Basically my band has a concert coming up soon. It’s important, as it could decide the trajectory our musical career could lead in the future as traditional musicians, there is 1 problem though. Our bandmate who is on the spectrum didn’t learn the songs properly throughout the many rehearsals we had. We don’t want to take any chances and as the lead singer I told him that he currently didn’t reach the standards required for this concert. We still view him as a band member, it’s just we can’t have him lower the quality of our performance this time.
Whether or not he’s on the spectrum doesn’t matter at all, if he didn’t learn the songs he shouldn’t be playing out with you. NTA
NTA for having standards for your band members’ ability to play songs. But yta for implying being on the spectrum has any relevance.
NTA. It is what it is, he can’t bring his A game that’s not on you nor fair on the other band mates
NTA but you’re kicking him out. Have a replacement ready
NTA. Tough decision to make, but that was the right call. If he’s not carrying his weight or committing to his part, that’s the end of the story, and being “on the spectrum” doesn’t change that.
NTA. Actually knowing the material is a pretty standard bare minimum for being in a performance of any kind. His neurodiversity has nothing to do with anything.
YTA for straddling the fence. Either you want him to be a member in all areas or you kick him out of the band.
Learning the material is a basic requirement for ANYONE engaging in public performance.
Their autism has nothing to do with the situation; do not use it as a reason/excuse, and don’t allow anyone else to do so.
NTA – if you want to leave the door open for his return, tell him that he’ll need to demonstrate his knowledge of the material.
INFO: Is your band trying to establish yourselves further and turn this into a career?
If that is the goal, and this guy isn’t good enough to meet that goal, then YTA. Not because you exclude him from a performance he isn’t ready for, but because you’d be stringing him along by viewing/treating/calling him as a band member, but not giving him the opportunities and respect that the other members are getting. If he isn’t good enough to play with you, then you should drop him from the lineup.
If this concert is more of a one time thing, you are more of a jam or garage band, and you aren’t really looking for other professional opportunities, then NTA. He just isnt ready for this concert and should sit it out, but continue to play the music when practicing.
NTA — Being on the spectrum is an excuse, not a justification for keeping him. If someone can’t meet the playing standards needed to advance the band’s career, they need to be replaced. It’s the same as if your bass player shows up stoned and consistently screws up or you start singing off-key.
Once you make the leap from “garage band for fun” to paid performances and growing a fan base, it becomes, as they say in “The Godfather”, strictly business.
NTA
If he can’t ‘do the job’ then you have the right to say no.
However…I’d obviusly be looking for another bandmate, you can’t just keep treating one as a benchwarmer and ‘less than’. They’re either in or out.
NTA.
But how is it that you have someone else that can fill in that has learned the music?
If you have serious aspirations to go somewhere as a band, then you should probably sit this person down and explain they must learn the material or they can’t be in the band.
The hard part here isn’t talent, it’s how much risk you’re willing to absorb for the sake of loyalty. Right now you’re carrying the consequences of one member not meeting a standard, while also trying to be fair. That’s why it feels heavy. By saying he’s still a band member but not for this performance, you’re separating identity from execution, which is emotionally difficult. The reality is is that the band’s trajectory now depends on reliability, not intentions or history. Until that’s named openly, it’ll feel personal.