AITA: background of the situation: Me and Husband are both gamers. He games significantly more than I do. Husband works the late shift and doesn’t get home until 11pm or midnight most nights. I work an early shift and get up at 6 am. Some nights I am asleep when Husband gets home and some nights I stay up watching tv or gaming. Husband and I have our gaming set ups side by side in our bedroom.
When husband games with friends he wears noise cancelling headphone with a microphone. I think he is very loud. He often can’t assess his volume because the noise cancelling headphones prevent him from hearing himself. He laughs, sometimes screams or makes noises or surprise. He has a good time which is great, but it either keeps me awake/ wakes me up OR it’s so loud that I can’t hear my game.
Last night he was gaming with a friend and I was gaming next to him. I felt like he was loud at times and I asked him with a quick hand motion to lower his voice volume which he did. But after me doing that about 3 times in the hour, he was frustrated that he can’t just relax and game. I dont expect him to stop talking, but I just wanted a lower volume.
He desperately wants and has asked on multiple occasions to move his gaming set up to our basement to preserve my sleep and also let me game in peace and I have strongly resisted this. I barely see him for an hour a day 3-4 times a week because of our opposite schedules. If he moves down to the basement to game I will see him for less than ten minutes a day 5 days a week. I will see him 1.5 hours with our kids on Tuesday and 9 hours partially with kids on Saturday since he comes home and games until the wee hours of the morning when I’m sleeping.
Bottom line, am I the asshole for not wanting him to move downstairs but asking him to keep his voice at a reasonable volume?
I’m sorry, but unless you can think of another solution besides “just relax and be quiet,” you either need to put up with the situation as is, or let him move his gaming to another space. YTA
i fear that YTA.
purely for the fact that he’s offered you a solution and you hate the idea of it. you’ve told him to be quieter, which, with his noise cancelling headphones, he can’t reasonably understand his volume (i understand this heavy as someone with SPD who is “too loud” without headphones because i can’t assess it).
he then said he can move his setup downstairs to the basement. you’re not happy with that either because you therefore won’t get to see him. he’s in a situation where he can’t win. he can’t go downstairs, can’t stay upstairs, or has to remove the noise cancelling headphones to not disturb your sleep.
you’re not a major AH because you do want to spend quality time with your husband, but i think you need to brainstorm ideas that work for the both of you
NAH but honestly you’re not being practical. He’s not going to be quieter, and you’re going to continue being frustrated.
You should prioritize getting good sleep, and he should cut back on the amount of gaming so that he goes to sleep sooner ie wakes up sooner ie spends more time with you.
Light YTA. If the concern is that you want to see him more during the day then voice that concern and figure out something you can do together when you’re both awake to make more time.
what if you both moved to the basement, then the times when you are sleeping he can game downstairs. and when you game together you can be in the same space. I feel if youre awake and gaming yourself, you cant really complain about his gaming noise. YTA mildly for being unwilling to compromise.
The real problem isn’t the noise – it that lack of time together which is entirely different.
Express that – and there can be solutions to both. Now if he doesn’t want to do anything about you spending time together, then he would be a. AH for that – but he’s not because he wants to relax and play his game.
I think a gentle YTA makes sense here. The obvious solution would be to keep your bedroom a bedroom, and move BOTH your gaming setups to the basement if possible – this would allow you to have a dedicated “gaming space” and a dedicated “sleeping space”.
Since he gets home at 11-12, he’s likely feeling stifled by the gaming setup being in your bedroom as a whole, but trying to be nice about it, as you need to go to sleep pretty much when he’s starting to play at the absolute latest. He’s being reasonable and trying, but it’s unrealistic to have his gaming time become “quiet gaming time” every single workday. He deserves the opportunity to let loose and enjoy games with his friends without policing his volume, and has put forward a solution that does work.
Y’all should have fun building yourselves a new gaming space that caters to both your needs rather than keep this setup in the bedroom. You’ll see him when he takes breaks and when you both make the time to game together, and he will most likely be glad to spend the hour after he gets home with you before you go to sleep, since when you do go to sleep he’ll still get a fulfilling 3-4 hours of actual gaming in – you can mention this to him and see how he reacts. I’d also recommend you both rethink your choice of workplace though because this time split just doesn’t seem sustainable in the long run.
YTA. You whine because hes too loud but you won’t let him move? Why not move both desks downstairs and when u can game together your still together. But u also get to sleep at night.
You’re being selfish and self-centered.
Your husband wants to relax and play games after a long day at work.
He’s trying to fix the situation by moving his gaming somewhere else to cause less noise to not disturb you.
You’ve made no compromise or provided any solutions yourself to fix the situation. All you’ve done is complain about not getting your way..
YTA.
So he wants to solve the problem and you want to keep on fighting? YTA what a silly question.
YTA. Moving his system solve both of your issues. You want him to change and subdue the way he plays meaning that he’s going to spend a lot of his time trying to be conscious of not disturbing you which just isn’t a fun way to play a game.
Gently, NTA but you need to meet him halfway.
Why can’t you move both setups together into the basement?
I would also say have him only use one ear on his headphones. My husband did this when I pointed out he was very loud – opposite ends of the house – and he realised how loud he was.
This doesn’t make sense, let him move his setup to the basement. You’re trying to sleep, he’s trying to game, that’s not quality time. He’s trying to compromise so you can sleep and he can game without having to tiptoe around you. His solution is reasonable.
YTA and not in a mean way but this is one of the most solvable issues I’ve seen.
I think the problem is that maybe he should be prioritizing spending time together? I get it that gaming is a hobby you both like, but do you even game together, or just side by side?
Don’t sacrifice your sleep just to be near him. Let him move the rig. then figure out how you guys can spend more time together. You said he games much more than you do, so how would you say the household chores and parenting duties are split up? Is it the case where his schedule gives him a convenient excuse for gaming more – I mean, no one else is up anyway, right? he doesn’t have to go straight to gaming when he gets home, he can spend some of that time with you.
Look at your schedules and home duties and make sure there is a good split of responsibilities and carve out some time for each other. How much time does he have with the kids and how much time do you have alone?