hi there! im 21f and my mom is 43f. we were at the eye doctor’s office today so my brother can get his yearly check up. we were discussing a recent bill we had due to an accident that happened this past thursday to which my sister broke her hand. we are in a bit of a financial crisis right now, so this additional bill was going to be hectic. my mom could not put anything on her credit cards, so i had to open up a new credit line just to be able to pay it.
at the eye appointment i expressed my worry for my credit and she pretty much told me to shut up because i wasnt going to be paying the bill for my sister (i did say i was going to help her and we’d just split it. i ignored her comment and then she said that i never help her with bills or any expenses. i had then told her about a time when i had recently given her some money to cover the last bit of bills, and she flipped. she said i was throwing it in her face and that i was trying to pretty much use it as leverage. i responded, saying she was throwing not helping with bills in MY face even though i have helped her before. then she started listing all the things shes helped me with, being her daughter, and it felt like she was trying to mellow out the help ive given her
im honestly confused by her reaction, but then i had some guilt after. should i have just stayed quiet? was that a jerk response? please let me know if im ta.
NTAH. Honestly, when you’re in a crisis, whether it’s financial mental, medical, etc. everyone acts out of character from stress and anxiety. I do think it was rude for her to throw it in your face and say you’ve never helped when you clearly have give it a few days or a week or so and see if she apologizes
I would try to have a conversation with her when y’all have had a chance to cool down
Definitely NTA. You were telling the truth and your mother doesn’t want to face the reality of her financial failure.
NTA. She was the one who complained that you never “helped with bills or expenses,” you simply corrected her. Also I’d argue opening a credit line is also an example of helping even if you won’t be the one paying.
Edit: but I also admit that this is sad all around and I’m sorry your family is going through this.
thank you for your comfort. everything feels so closed in right now and i just wish we could go back to how things were in 2024
NTA. You’ve never said she never helped you, so her listing things she helped you with is just her panicking at being caught lying
oh my gosh i legit said exactly what you typed to her!
NTA – I am sorry that she snapped at you and that minimized your contribution. She is financially strapped and stressed.
Most likely she feels incredibly guilty for depending on her daughter.
You were out loud processing your fears, which likely increased her fears.
While you were in the right, for sure, unless she is a terrible mom give her some grace.
NTA. By incorrectly (*maybe* a tad manipulatively?) accusing you of never helping she’s the one that created the need to set history straight with a specific example. NTA for stating facts.
For more info, you mention yourself, a brother and sister, how old is everyone?
It sounds like everyone depends on mom, which can be very stressful, but she also had kids so has to carry the motherly burden. Is there a dad in the picture? You yourself are an adult so if you’re still living with your mom at 21, you should very much have a fulltime job and be contributing in some way to the bills? I don’t agree with how she said it to you but I think you’re both in the wrong not discussing this in private and taking about it at the eye doctor, it’s not really the place. It probably embarrassed your brother and was uncomfortable for staff around. It sounds like you were having a high stress conversation in an inappropriate place and you both said things you shouldn’t have. While I don’t agree you should have to help fund your sister’s medical bill, you should be funding your own and your living expenses as a fully grown adult. I think you and your mom need to have an adult conversation about finances and what everyone contributes to the house and if the above mentioned brother and sister are adult age as well how eveyone can help in some way contribute to the household so it’s not all on mom? Stress brings out the worst in people, and money stress even more so, and it sounds like it brought out a bad side in both of you. I think some adult conversations need to be had and some planning for the future going forward.
i gave the ages on myself and mom. brother is 16 while sister is 11. i do have a part time job as im a university student. i help her out whenever i can and dont have other expenses like my car, school, etc.
NTA. Your mom made an incorrect accusation and you corrected her to defend yourself. She was probably stressed about the situation and didn’t like that you “talked back” so she flipped out on you.
NTA
She said “you never help me with bills or any expenses.”
You said “I recently gave you money for the last bit of bills.”
You would not have said that if she didn’t say what she said. This is not “throwing it up.” This is simply telling her that she is wrong. She didn’t like that. You said nothing wrong AT ALL. Say no next time. You don’t have anything to give, and that’s the truth.
Watch your credit. That bill can’t be late. Who cares if she gets mad at you, protect your credit. Credit cards are more important than medical bills for your sister. I think it would be wise for you to talk to someone about credit. Your mom seems to swaying your financial decisions to think certain things have importance than others. Medical bills shouldn’t be put on credit.
NTA I’m sorry ur dealing with this