Since January of last year my grandma (82) had been in and out of the hospital for pneumonia and then an infection in her knee.
In April, when she finally got released from hospitals/rehab centers my mom (54) decided that she would stay with us for a few weeks.
Well weeks turned into 10 and still counting months that she has been living here.
My mom works, though misses a lot of time for appointments and other things, so I’ve been taking care of my grandma while she works. I’m burnt out. I can’t take care of myself.
My mom refuses to put her in a home or have her back living with my aunt because she has COPD and “won’t take good enough care of her.”
My grandma lived with my aunt before any of this happened and had been for 10+ years. My grandma lives here with us but pays for the mortgage/rent, internet/tv… everything where my aunt stays and my aunt just rots in a chair not trying to better herself and abusing her pills. My mom checks on her almost every other day as well because she can’t drive.
I told my mom before the new year that I was burnt out and didn’t want to do this anymore. She said it was her problem and to let her know if she should quit her job, passive aggressively. I can’t even pay my own bills. I want a life, a job, etc.
Fast forward to Monday. My dad (58) had a routine scan done and a large nodule was found in his lung. 50/50 chance that it may be cancer.
I’m devastated. My dad is my favorite person in the world. I already have bad anxiety on the daily so it’s taking everything in me to hold it together.
Because of my grandma there is A LOT of added stress in the house for my mom, my dad, and I.
Today my mom found out that she has 0 sick days and 0 vacation days for the year because she’s missed so much time. She’s scared she’ll lose her job and I know she loves her job. But she won’t put my grandma in a home.
My dad works from 6:00-4:00 and then on top of it does side work til 7:00-9:00p every weekday. He only takes Saturday’s off.
I feel like my mom always chooses her family (her mom, her sister) before us and they give nothing in return. Just suck her dry physically, emotionally, and financially.
It’s not fair for my dad to work so much to support us and then my grandma and aunt on top of it.
I’m beginning or already have resentment for my mom because she chooses to keep her mother here and therefore my mom, dad, and me are like prisoners to our house and can’t do or go anywhere.
My grandma is so needy. So particular. Only seems to think of herself. I want her out. I don’t want to leave myself because I cannot financially and I really love my dad and want to be there for him.
My mother will resent me if I ask her to quit or she gets fired for missing time. I’ve been forced to take my aunt to doctors, courts, probation, grocery shopping, etc since 2013. And some for my grandma as well.
Am I the ungrateful asshole here? I don’t know what to think or do at this point. Any insight would be appreciated.
NTA — that money your grandma is paying for your aunt 100% should be going towards a caretaker. I’m from a Hispanic family so I get the whole “family first”, but when our relatives lived with us, we had part time caretakers in the house helping out. It was a little pricey but cheaper than a home and we all chipped in.
I’m sorry your mom is being so passive aggressive rather than acknowledging the fact that she’s making your sacrifice for you as the primary caretaker. I’ve also lived in my parents house when down and out so I get that touchy dynamic that you realize you are in a vulnerable position but this is absolutely unreasonable. I’m sure, at the very least, a recognition of how much this is costing you physically and emotionally is in order.
Caregiver burnout is real! Your family should be looking into at least part time home healthcare if grandma needs that much care. Her money should be going towards her care not your aunt. NTA
NTA I would check to see if mom can get FMLA days for taking Gramma to appointments & ask Gramas doctor to put in orders for caregiver hours. Most insurance will pay for a certain hours a week with a doctors order.
Life would be easier if mom could take days off work as needed and someobe came in 3x a week for a few hours to do gramma related cooking, cleaning, bathing, and erands.
i know you said you can’t afford to move out financially but in this situation i think you don’t really have a say in what goes on since you live with your parents, no offense. i get it bothers you that your moms family is sucking her dry and it’s hard to watch but living under their roof comes with dealing with whatever goes down in the house. until you can do that maybe try talking your mom into putting herself first, but frame it as you trying to help and look out for her.
Your aunt and grandma both sound like they might need to be in a care facility, maybe look into them and present some options. Having info might make that conversation easier, and they will have resources for how to have that conversation with your family and the loved ones that need the care.
Also please don’t judge your aunt for “rotting and abusing pills” it sounds like she’s struggling too. If your mum won’t make the call to put her into a facility you need to tell her when you will stop doing these tasks once you have a job as you need to focus on getting your own life and health on track. Get a job, put that first, and get out of there.
You’re 30 living at home? Get out. YTA because you’re doing it to yourself.
Your mom has lost her life to these people because she refuses to allow herself to be selfish. You are doing the exact same thing. You are making the choice to stay, sacrificing yourself for their choices. You are actively choosing to do this, and no one is making you but you. No one can stop you from leaving. You are as free as anyone else on earth.
In USA, A decent ‘home’ to put your grandma in costs $3-5000 per month. It doesn’t sound like your mom can afford that, especially while still supporting you
This is so dysfunctional. You’re only 30 and have been running around after your family since you were 18. Your mum should be ashamed that she’s allowed this to happen. You only get one life. It’s time to take care of yourself. Get a job and go back to school part time. Start living for you
NTA burnout is common among caregivers, so don’t feel bad. Sit your mom and dad down and talk with them about your feelings and how the stress is affecting you. Find out if your grandmother’s insurance covers home health care and help your mom with getting that set up. That should help you get some time off and you can look for a job. Save and get your own place. Hope this helps you.
I’m so sorry you are burdened with your Father’s health issues as well as Grandma’s. Being a care giver is emotionally and physically hard! Here is a question to think about. How will you feel and what will you do when your parents are disabled or old? Put yourself in your Mother’s shoes. She knows her Mother can’t live with your Aunt and can’t afford a care facility. She knows her Mother won’t be around for many more years. Out of love, she has accepted the burden and is doing the best she can. Unfortunately, much of that burden has fallen to you!
My advice would be to find a Social Service agency that can advise your family about resources and options. Your parents are struggling to financially support you, your Aunt and Grandmother. There needs to be a path forward that provides the best outcome for all! Time for difficult decisions.
It seems to me you need to find yourself a job and start supporting yourself. Then you will be at work instead of available at home to your family to do the caregiving. Your family are supporting you right now so taking care of grandma is a way to pay them back BUT I know from personal experience how hard it can be and how little downtime there is.
You are still young. Go find yourself a life!
You’ve mentioned you can’t financially live independently, could you do so with room mates? It sounds like the situation at home isn’t working for you, at 30, it’s time to move out on your own. It seems like there is some context about yourself here missing, do you have a job? Financially contribute to the household? If not what are the reasons? It’s a hard situation to judge without those details.
If you’re able bodied and living at home at 30 and otherwise not financially contributing to the home… it’s not unreasonable for you to be caring for your grandma as your contribution so others can work.
Your grandma *pays mortgage, etc.* Fully supporting your aunt, but mom won’t let her live with your aunt anymore? What a waste. Grandma should live where she’s actually paying to live. (Aunt’s house).
THEN, while both grandma and aunt live together, get in home care. 3 or 4 hours a day, whatever grandma needs.