Hi, my heart’s been a bit heavy all day and I wanted to know if I was in the wrong. My husband and I have been married for 16 years, we have a 15 year old son and a 12 year old daughter.
My husband has always placed a very high premium on book smarts, I know this because when I was first pregnant and relatives had asked whether we were hoping for a boy or a girl, he had joked at the time that he didn’t care about the child’s gender as long as they were intelligent. It was a joke and I probably found it amusing at the time but it’s seared in my mind and I still bring it up to him when we argue about the following issue.
Our son gets average scores in school when it comes to science and math. He scores well in english thats his only 80%+ mark, in the others its middling scores. He’s a great kid, and he does try, and my husband used to sit with him too, but he just struggles with it. My daughter on the other hand is consistently top of her class. My husband and her bond over studies, and they’re really close (which I obviously like, who wouldn’t want their husband to be close to their daughter). But he’s just become a bit aloof and distant now when it comes to our son. He’ll want to go to school for her parent-teacher meetings but for his I’m the only one who goes. Even though I’ve said that his is more important because there’s actual criticism, for my daughter its just the teachers saying how great she is.
This partiality has been seeping into other stuff too. If it’s a grocery run, it’s her he’ll ask to accompany him. If he’s watching a show or a documentary it’s her he’ll ask to stay up with him. I hate saying this but I sometimes get a bit uncomfortable that their closeness is coming at the expense of his relationship with my son. Earlier this week both of them got some test marks back, hers was a 100, his was a 72. I told her we’ll tell daddy over the weekend about her mark as a surprise, just because I didn’t want the comparisons to be drawn. Although when I told him about his, he was nonchalant which in a way hurt more.
Today when she shared her test, he lavished her with praise, and took her out for lunch. Later I told him all this probably makes our son feel bad. He said I was imagining things that it was just a treat for her for having done well. I told him it wasn’t just this, he’d totally become distant with him, as if he only had a daughter, and that he was being a bad father by doing so. He took offence to that said I was very wrong for saying that, that he’s a father to both, and has his own dynamics with each kid. I couldn’t really take the conversation any further because he was stuck on what I said. AITA?
NTA, there’s no way your son is not deeply aware of this. Your husband sucks.
Also, anyone who thinks getting good grades in school is about intelligence and not ability to show up in the right place at the right time holding the right collection of items is….not as intelligent as they think they are.
Yeah, I think it’s probably time for OP to have a talk with her son and see how he’s feeling with all this, and probably get him into therapy. It seems like it’s been building for a while and I suspect her son is acutely aware of being the less favored child.
He’s not acting out, which to me suggests he’s possibly internalizing a lot of this, and may be blaming himself, or feeling he really isn’t worth as much as a person because of his grades. That’s why I’d say therapy for this kid should be a priority, because even if the dad changes his behavior eventually (and that’s gonna take him recognizing that it’s even a problem first), this will leave lasting scars.
Poor kid. And as someone who excelled in school and did the right things and got the degrees, you are 100% right about your second paragraph. I have taught so many college students who struggled for various reasons, and rarely is the reason a lack of intelligence. I’ve seen incredibly smart people who just could not package or repeat information in the way the academy expects, or who were excluded because their background, their culture, their way of learning or the way their brain worked didn’t fit into the fairly narrow confines of what’s academically rewarded.
In short, I’ve got all the degrees that signal “intelligence” to someone like OP’s husband, and that’s why I know academic excellence is *not* a reliable way to gauge intelligence. I find his way of thinking absolutely appalling.
NTA, it’s harsh criticism, but if you’re noticing it, your son probably is too, or if not now, he will. There’s absolutely good in rewarding a child for good behavior or performance, but there’s a line between that and favoritism and it seems like your husband is crossing it.
Where I think you might have erred (in a practical sense) is the “bad father” label because people naturally rebel against being labeled as anything bad even if the behavior matches, like when someone will say the most sexist things, but if you call them a sexist they suddenly get angry. You might need to walk that one back a bit, because it doesn’t seem like he’s willfully doing it, and you need him to hear the feedback rather than just fight it.
Reminds me of when I was growing up. My parents always bought my older brothers whatever they wanted, but never me. One day when I got home from school, my parents had this pink guitar waiting for me. They said it was a gift for doing so good in school.
More info needed imo. As you said, he claims he has his own dynamic with y’all’s son. Is this true? Do they have other things that they bond over? Has your son expressed feelings about this to you, does he feel neglected? Have you addressed why your son is doing poorly? I don’t know where you’re located, but at 72 is on the verge of failing in the US, that’s something that needs to be looked into. Have you seen if your son has a learning disability or an attention disorder? Those aren’t something to be ashamed off, they’re something to be treated. There are so many different variables here and there is a world where you would be justified in saying that to your husband, so that you would be a massive asshole.
NTA your husband is an asshole and the scars will follow your son from childhood all the way to adulthood. There isn’t much you can do about it, though, because it seems like he refuses to see why he is in the wrong. I usually don’t advise people this, but I personally wouldn’t want to be married to a bad father
I’m gonna go with NTA
I have a father like this who is constantly obsessed with grades. It was very damaging to my mental health growing up. He is showing clear favorites, which can be clearly shown in only attending his sisters conferences. This is something that needs to be said, and props to you for standing up for your son.
NTA, but your husband is. I would give your husband a little bit of time to course correct. But if he doesn’t you need to have a conversation with your son. This is his father’s failing, not his. Shit like this causes deep wounds that will shape a person.
Nta this stuff can be harmful to kids. This constant pressure on grades and rewarding high grades with special treats and time with a parent can lead to perfectionist personality traits which isn’t a good thing, also creates relationship issues between siblings. As long as a child tries their best, and you know if they do, then that is a reason to be proud of them. Lavishing praise and rewards on someone who just won the genetic lottery over your other child is messed up.
« You and your siblings do not get the same parents nor the same childhood. »
There’s a reason stuff like this is said. It’s okay he has more in common with his daughter but there’s also no reason to not spend time with son doing the things he likes. All this has nothing to do with grades. He’s a donkey.
A lot of people are smart, not many are intelligent. Ignorance is bliss & also a choice.
NTA.
NTA but your husband is. I’m assuming your husband has a high IQ, graduated near the top of his class and had a couple of advanced degrees? ‘Cause I do and I can’t imagine putting that kind of pressure on my kids. Your son is going to resent the crap out of your daughter, so husband isn’t only destroying his relationship with his son, he’s destroying the relationship between his children
NTA! This isn’t about grades, it’s about presence. The kid who’s struggling is the one who needs *more* attention, not less. Intentions don’t matter if the impact is your son feeling sidelined. That kind of favoritism sticks with kids for life.
NTA. The favoritism that he’s showing to your daughter is just unfair to your son, and I promise you your son notices it and feels it. It’s great that your daughter does well in school, but your son also needs to be celebrated for who he is. He’s at an age where he needs to feel loved, valued, liked, and supported.
NTA ALL THE WAY. Praising achievement is fine, but withdrawing attention from the child who isn’t excelling is damaging. Love shouldn’t feel conditional on grades, and your son is definitely picking up on the difference.