Hello, I am female, on my first year in collage right now and just about to enter end of term of holiday (my country did this around January to February).
I am still living in my parents’ house since my college is in the same city. Growing up, I tried to be respectful, I have two older brothers who were much older (12 and 15 years gap) and they along with my mom taught me manner as best as they can, and I highly respect them. I tried to be as respectful as possible, to be friendly to people and seldom raise my voice. I cursed, but it mostly to myself and never would I say it to another person much less my family.
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said to my mom. She is a good woman, also highly respected by people but my mom can be very…. involved with things I do? It is not to the point of being controlling but she expected to know everything I do since she once I said that I can’t trust anyone but her.
The thing is I don’t really like to share my thoughts, when I am with people I would just tell them good and ordinary things, not something sensitive or personal and the same thing I did with my mom. Honestly, I am kind of afraid of other people reaction if they know something personal about me.
A few days ago, I just got my grades for this semester. I failed at one subject that I thought I could ace, since I did all my tasks, exams, and my attendance is also good. It’s weird and I am very upset so I went to the professor responsible for it. It’s a bit of problem to prove that I indeed attend all my professor classes and without thinking I said to my mom that all of this kind of made me stressed.
My professor thought this is weird as well, since he clearly remember me in class so he said that he would look into it and his staff probably misplaced my papers or something. I am relieved and come home in quite a good mood but when I tell my mom about this, she was unsatisfied and said that my professor is an idiot, some names calling or that it’s probably my fault (I didn’t attend and I lie to her). She also said she would come to my collage to meet my professor.
Of course this made me upset and in turn I raise my voice at her, I told my mom that she made things worse and to stop doing things like this, this wouldn’t help me and this is the reason why my brothers put distance to her. She didn’t care for my brothers’ life but why she’s so meddling with mine.
She is pretty surprised when I storm off and now I am away from home. Usually when I am this stressed I would also be away to calm myself but this time as I drive from home, I have this urged to just ram myself to some car. I am scared with this feeling. I feel guilty to not handle this a bit better, I don’t want to feel this way.
What should I do? AITA?
NTA
Boundaries. She needs them. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Yikes!!! NTA. You have a lot going on here. First, your mom can’t come with you. This isn’t high school; this is college. Your professors will lose respect for you and do not look well on parental involvement. So she can’t come, you may need to put her on an information diet to keep her out of your business.
You may want to practice creating your own version of:
“I have no opinion on the matter.”
“I am still thinking/processing this.”
” I have the right to reserve my opinion.”
And use these types of lines when dealing with your mom’s intrusiveness on your thoughts.
It sounds like your mom is the very definition of a helicopter mom. It also sounds like you haven’t had thr opportunity to learn how to sit with your feelings so they can start to feel really large and too big for your body. So now you are thinking about smashing your car, please don’t do that.
I am sure there are books about being the child of helicopter parents. You may want to look into reading some for some tips. Also google emotional regulation tips and emotional defecit. You can find some tips there.
Everyone will recommend therapy, I don’t know if that is an option right now so I am recommending the topics to read about as a starting point.
On another note, you dealt exceptionally well and properly with your academic situation. Most parents would be proud. So in lieu of your mom saying it, I am proud of you. Problem solving like this is a workplace skill that employers look for and complain that newer generations don’t have. So bonus points for you.
Take a breath. Splash your face with ice cold water to get your vagus nervous system back in order. You will survive this.
You are becoming a young adult and probably are feeling stiffled from being who you are, thinking and feeling your own thoughts.
Your living situation will end sooner than later. You are your mom’s baby and unfortunately she is not adapting to you being an adult. A challenge most people have with parents during their twenties.
NTA. It sounds to me like you’re holding your feelings and opinions inside because you’ve never been provided with a safe space to express yourself at home.
That’s a really tough situation!!!! I personally know it well and my advice is- seek help outside of your family. Speak with someone at college about how you’re feeling or find counseling services (a therapist). I’m English so I’m not sure how it works where you are but I’d imagine your college has some kind of wellbeing support in place for their students.
In the meantime, please keep yourself safe. It may not seem like it now but these feelings are temporary. Good times are ahead, especially for someone like you who is clearly working hard to create a positive future for themselves.