I was with a group of friends, five of us including me. We’d been hanging out well for a year until a new guy, let’s call him B, joined the group. At first, I didn’t suspect anything until B. started getting aggressive with me. One day, we were talking, and when I tried to say something, B. started shouting me down, not letting me say anything, etc. A little while later, the conversation turned to relationships, and B. started telling everyone that I was ugly and making jokes about my appearance (note: I’m a white man with long hair and a beard, I look like Jesus, I’ve never had a problem with my appearance, and the so-called beauty privilege has always worked in my favor). Everyone started laughing at his jokes. Then I decided to confront him about it, and he started telling me to my face that I was ugly, and as proof, he cited the fact that everyone was laughing at his offensive joke about my appearance. Then he started going on and on about how I felt out of place in this group, etc., and finally said that he was just being straightforward and telling people the truth without hesitation. When I started complaining about this to five other people in our group, they started making excuses for him, saying that I was taking everything too personally, etc. A little while later, I couldn’t take it anymore and left the group. Then I started badmouthing them to other mutual friends, telling them what assholes they were, etc. After a while, I decided to talk to one of these guys who was the least to blame, and he once again said that I was taking everything too personally, that I should have gotten used to B., and that I was being mean when I started badmouthing B. and his main bootlicker behind their backs. AITA?
You don’t not have to endure abuse. You do not have to allow others to belittle you.
However, once you are free of the abusers and their supporters you do not engage in “bad mouthing”. It invites the abusers to do more damage or to seek you out. Instead, place your attention in positive places. If others bring up the abusers or any of the supporters you respond shortly and end the topic.
“I don’t not get on well with (insert name). They are abusive towards me and others. I won’t discuss them further. Have you seen the recent (insert thing).”
The best method for dealing with assholes is to live freely and live well. Make new friends if you must but surround yourself with positive people doing worthwhile things you can support.
You are NTA but don’t invite negativity in.
Yeah … you’re NTA, but stop bitching about them. They’re really not worth the energy your brain uses when you think about them.
And btw, while B was obviously the utmost AH of all time, your old group of “friends” were not your friends. Give casual but polite greetings in passing, but otherwise forget them.
“saying that I was taking everything too personally” how the fuck else are you supposed to take your ‘friend’ calling you ugly point blank and saying you’re “out of place” in the group (basically saying you don’t belong or they don’t want you in their group) ??? if you are being mean by talking shit about this guy (presumably read: telling mutual friends exactly what he said about you) because of his direct actions, what does that make him?? sounds like that group just can’t take what they dish out to others, you should tell them that they’re just taking it too personally. nta lol