Hi, I really would like to know if I’m the AH here. There are aspects of it which admittedly go against me.
We’re expecting our first child, a boy, and I’m due in March. My husband and I had gone over names. Our understanding was that the last name would be his, the middle name would be my husband’s name, and while we were both going over first names, he used to defer to my choice as long as he was ok with the name. And fortunately, my first choice was
one he was good with and that’s what we’ve decided.
Yesterday he told me he wanted to honor his late grandfather (my MIL’s father) by using his first name instead of his own as the middle name. He said his mother had suggested it, and that they were all close to him before he passed away of cancer that they had caught super late, so it was kind of untimely. I tried to be as diplomatic about is as I could but I said that I don’t think its a good idea to do that. His
reasoning was that the middle name was supposed to be his name, and he’s just choosing to give it away to his grandfather, its the same thing, and I said no its not. His name was something I was ok with, something that I wanted, I love him and by extension his name and want it to be a part of our son’s name. Not his grandfather’s whom I’ve
never met.
We kind of ended at an impasse. He thinks I’m being unfair, that he had been accommodating when it came to the first name (true) because
that was my call, while the middle name was his. I’ve told him that the middle name was supposed to be his name. AITA?
Edit: I’ve read the comments and thank you for the feedback. I guess the middle name being my husband’s prerogative makes sense. I don’t hate the name he’s suggesting and if its important to him, then fine. I sound dramatic I know but I need some time to mourn the complete name I had in mind. It was just the first name we chose followed by my husband’s name was just perfect in my mind. But I understand it’s a compromise. I’m just going to take some time to process it.
YTA
Unless the name is Adolf, let the man honour his grandfather.
I think think anybody is really an AH here. That feels like too big a label for what hopefully is a resolvable dispute. Is his grandfather’s name something you object to on its own? Or are you just upset that your husband has changed the plan? I honestly think honoring the grandfather is a lovely thing. But it should be something you agree on.
YTA
You were okay until the end–you got to pick the first name, he got to pick the middle name. That was the agreement, it would seem.
“I love him…not his grandfather who I’ve never met.”
So basically, you get to name your child and he gets to pick the middle name…so long as its one you approve of? Why not just cut out the nonsense and pick it yourself, since that seems to be the goal? The selfishness here is off the charts.
Either he picks the middle name or he doesn’t. Stop this nonsense.
Hey OP. I get why he would want that for his son! Why are so against it? Is it really an atrocious name?
Maybe you never met his grandfather, but he did and the child is also his child. And you said the baby would have his last name, so he is kind of already represented. No?
What if you wanted to name him like your grandfather and your husband vetoed it because he never met him? How would you feel?
Gently, YTA. You got to choose the first name subject to him being okay with it, why can’t you do the same for him on the middle name? Right now you’re effectively trying to choose all of it yourself.
Agreed.
Also, it helps to keep in mind this “man I never met” clearly meant something significant to the baby’s father.
Another possibility would be to give the child two middle names; your husbands and his grandfathers. Seems to me like that would be a win-win situation.
Having said that, your MIL should stay in her own lane. She got to name her children, you and your husband should be allowed the same.
Wishing you a safe and uneventful delivery.
Do you have a problem because it was suggested by the MIL?
Can the baby not have two middle names? They don’t get used apart from on official paperwork.
YTA bc it seems only fair that if you get to pick the first name he gets to pick the second (unless it’s an atrocious name). Honestly the middle name is always ignored anyway so just throw the guy a bone and let him have some say.
YTA
“His grandfather who I never even met…” What does you meeting him have anything to do with it? This is a beloved member of your husband’s family and you’re acting like because you never met him, he’s therefore insignificant. If you don’t agree about it the name because you don’t like it, that’s one thing. But this rationale is very selfish. I never met my husband’s grandfather who he was extremely close to and we’ve cried together about how much we both wish I could have known him. Meanwhile you seem completely uncaring about it.
NAH. A baby’s name needs to be a 2 yes vote. You two had already agreed to use your husband’s first name as your son’s middle name. Now your husband wants to change the plan. He can suggest changes, but you need to agree to them in order for them to replace the name y’all had already agreed on
> Not his grandfather’s whom I’ve never met.
Yeah, I’m gonna withhold judgment on the question — if you don’t like the name that’s one thing — but this right here is bullshit. Two of my sons have my wife’s uncle’s name (one has his first name and another has his middle name as a second hyphenated first name). I never met him — he passed away years before my wife and I even met — but I understand that he meant the world to my wife, and I was more than OK with him being honored like that. With our youngest boy, I had a different second middle name picked out of a list that included her uncle’s middle name. When I told my wife which one I had picked (it was not her uncle’s name), she asked me if we could use her uncle’s name and I agreed without even blinking. If you don’t have a problem with the actual name, why not go ahead and let it be?
The thing about not having met his grandfather is kind of a sick thing to say, like it’s just some stranger and not someone your husband had a relationship with.
I never got to meet two of my partner’s grandparents, but I’m still interested in knowing about and remembering them as people who shaped my partner and are part of my lineage too now.