I(19M) started dating my ex(19F). We had known each other for around two years as we went to the same college and had similar backgrounds. We only started dating when I went to university, making it a long-distance relationship when we see each other once every 2-3 month.
I want to be clear: I cheated on her, and there is no excuse for it, and i fully accept that i was the asshole in the relationship. The breakup was entirely my fault and it was my first relationship.
The issue now is what happened after:
While we were dating, my mom became friends with my ex’s mom. Even after the breakup, they still facetime everyday. This has made me deeply uncomfortable, especially because it keeps pulling my ex’s name back into my life.
One example: my mom asked me to come with her to an event after I finished work. Only when I was done working did she tell me that my ex’s mom and my ex herself would be coming with us. I was given a warning on the way to the event. Being around my ex is extremely uncomfortable for me, and situations like this cause me a lot of streess. After the event, my mom asked to drive them home and we ended up staying there for more than 4 hours.
I brought this up with my mom multiple times and even my dad said that this is not normal. During our last argument, she brought up my past mistakes, judged me for cheating and used it as a reason why I do not get to set boundaries. She says that it totally down to her who she is friends with.
What also feels strange to me is that my ex’s mom is still very friendly with my mom despite how badly our relationship ended, and she still asks my mom for favours. The dynamic makes everything feel even more awkward in my point of view.
I told my mom I’m no longer comfortable being around my ex or hearing about her, and that I’ll remove myself from situations where that happens. I have also told my mom that I will not feel comfortable sharing personal details about my relationships or friendships going forward, since those details seem to circle back to my ex’s family.
I’m not trying to control who my mom is friends with. I’m just choosing to remove myself from situations that affect my mental well-being and make it harder for me to move on.
So, AITA for setting these boundaries and distancing myself, even though I’m the one who caused the breakup?
NTA
Yes you fucked up ROYALLY but it seems highly inappropriate for your mother to make you suffer for that. You should be working on whatever part of yourself made you think cheating on your partner was a good idea and if your family home is making that linger over yourself constantly you’ll probably start to swing between “hating yourself because you love your home and your actions are painted all over the walls” and “hating your home because you love yourself and your home is constantly torturing your emotions”
I think setting boundaries and trying to remove yourself is the most grown-up thing you can do and your mother will have to learn that she will get less of you as time goes by, which will become more prevalent as time goes by
18-25 is a messy age because this is where your parents loosen the grip of control they had to have over you as a child, I’m not gonna lie it’s not pretty and I do feel for you and hope you can still do some healthy work on improving yourself and your behaviour. Therapy when you can afford it is probably a good option
NTA
OMG do I feel you so hard. My husband now but boyfriend back then broke up for a year and my mom stayed friends with his family and it was horrible. I was just a few years older then you. Now we got back together (unrelated to their weird friendship) and got married and now as adults my husband is pretty estranged from his mom but she is still friends with my mom despite the estrangement. Advice going forward? Stay your ground with those boundaries and do not encourage friendships with your parent and your future partners parents. It will become a headache.
It feels painful, considering that I have been open with my mom before the whole situation but I think you are right
I’m sorry you’re going through that. But I definitely feel you. It’s not fun.
Setting boundaries around yourself is perfectly acceptable. She does not get to force you to be uncomfortable. Youre not asking her to stop hanging out with your ex and her mom, youre saying you wont be involved when she does.
I do think its weird your mom thinks because you cheated you can’t have boundaries. I also think its weird she seems to almost trick you into coming with by leaving out info till the last minute.
I think if I were you, I’d put mom on an information diet about your life and dont go to things with her if your ex might be there. Make it clear she is allowed to do what she wants with her life but you will not be involved with anything having to do with her. If she tries again ( youre stuck in the car and she last minute tells you they’re coming), have a back up plan of Uber or someone else to come get you. Do not put up with it. Just leave the situation.
I do wonder if she thinks you’ll get back together if she keeps pushing them on you. That some day your ex will get over it and you’ll ‘mature’ and be back together. Her behavior just seems weird but idk your mom, so not sure if its unusual or how she is. But NTA.
nTA. Anyone would be uncomfortable in that situation. Your mother is not being empathetic to you. Ask her to imagine herself being enlisted to go places with an ex-boyfriend and his mother.
ESH – You shouldn’t have cheated. No excuse for that. If you want to see other people, break up with her first.
But that said, neither of you should have agreed to a long-distance relationship when you’re at separate colleges. College is a time to meet new people, explore new interests, grow and change. Being tied to a long distance relationship just isn’t well suited for that.
You can’t dictate who your mom’s friends are. If your mom and this other woman hit it off and have formed a good friendship, great for them!
But your mom should be reasonable enough to exclude you from joint activities with this woman and her daughter. Tricking you into going to these events together is just weird and wrong. Is your mom trying to get the two of you back together again? Because she would just LOVE it if you were in a relationship with a close friend’s daughter.
NTA. You’re handling it appropriately. Sorry your mom is so shamey and belittling.
Both the mothers are the AHs in this, doubt your ex is comfortable around you either and you’re not little kids anymore, your mums don’t need to take you wherever they go!
They can be friends that’s fine but you are uncomfortable around your ex and she can’t be having much fun in these situations either! Let them have their friendship but they need to stop dragging their adult kids with them!
NTA
You are not trying to control who your mother is friends with. On the contrary she is trying to control who you are friends with by trying to force you into situations with your ex even though youve told her you are uncomfortable. She is projecting her actions onto you when she says you are trying to control who she is friends with.
She is being EXTRAORDINARILY disrespectful for you by continuing to do this after.youve made her aware of your feelings. I’d like to think that she has good intent and thinks that if she creates situations where you will be around your ex that you two will get back together, but even if so it is still wrong of her, and forcing you to remain 4 long hrs at their house. That is way way out of line.
You have to take a very firm stance here because your mother needs to take a big step back.
The best thing to do is tell her you want to have an important talk with her and your father. Your father is your witness. The talk should be face to face then followup with a txt documenting your conversation.
Tell her you do not want to be around your ex anymore period that you have been clear about that. You dont want them to “unexpectedly “show up if you are out somewhere alone, with your mother, or with friends. And if she arranges for this to happen even one more time, you will no longer go out in public with your mother or do anythijg else with her, nor tell her where you are going, to assure you are not forced to interact unwillingly with your ex. Tell her this remain the case until you feel comfortable the issue is resolved, be it weeks, months or years.
Tell her if it happens a third time that you will not involve her at all in your future relationships for fear she will do the same thing again. Tell her you understand she likes your ex and her mom and she is free to keep interacting with them, albeit bizarre behavior, but that you are an adult and will not allow her to force you into uncomfortable situations with your ex. And that her future choices regarding this are going to decide how much of a relationship the two of you have in the future.
Ask her if ahe understands. Then thank both your parents for listening and do a little summary via txt thanking her for hearing you and agreeing not to involve your ex in your life anymore.
NTA. You didn’t tell her don’t be friends with her, you just said you don’t want to hear about it or see them. I think it’s perfectly normal especially when you feel guilty about what you did. Seeing her won’t help you move on, it’s something you have to do in your own time. And I think it’s fair not to want your ex to know every detail about your relationship.