I (18M) am part of a larger friend group. For simplicity, I’ll name three people involved here: Jake, Ella, and Jone, but there are other people in the group as well.
Jake has a very sarcastic sense of humor. Most of the time it’s fine, but sometimes his jokes unintentionally touch on people’s insecurities. Because of this, Ella and Jone would often vent to each other about Jake’s jokes, sometimes with me present. Over time, it stopped being just venting and turned into making petty jokes about Jake behind his back, which started to make me uncomfortable.
I also have a sarcastic sense of humor, so I empathize with Jake. I know how easy it is to hurt people without realizing it. If I were in his position, I’d want someone to tell me directly rather than have people talk about me behind my back.
So I decided to talk to Jake privately. I told him that some people in our friend group (not naming anyone explicitly) found certain jokes offensive and that he should be more careful going forward. I didn’t single out Ella or Jone in any way. Jake took it well, apologized, and even asked if I could pass along an apology since he didn’t know exactly who had been hurt.
After that, I told Ella and Jone what I did. They were upset. They said I should have asked them first and that they wanted to handle it themselves when they were ready. They also said that from their perspective, what I did made them look like backstabbers to Jake, as if they had been venting and making jokes behind his back instead of communicating directly. On top of that, they felt like I was trying to make myself look morally righteous at their expense, even though I never named them.
That wasn’t my intention at all. I genuinely thought I was doing what would reduce tension and stop things from escalating. I couldn’t sit comfortably knowing my friends were making fun of another friend behind his back when honest communication could fix the issue.
Now Ella and Jone are upset with me, and I’m wondering if I overstepped.
So, AITA?
NTA, those two were never gonna confront jake in a healthy manner, if at all. they were continue to talk shit about him behind his back. you handled it privately, maturely for your age, and gracefully.
I agree with this.
Honestly this is one of those situations where everyones logic makes sense, but only one person actually did something productive. You didnt name names, you didnt weaponize their feelings, you just told the dude “hey, heads up, youre crossing lines you dont see.“ Thats called being a friend. Ella and Jone wanted to “handle it themselves” but their version of handling it was….not handling it. Venting + making petty jokes isnt a communication strategy, its a pressure cooker. If anything, you saved them from eventually exploding on Jake or nuking the groups vibe. They’re not mad you overstepped, they’re mad you didn’t let them procrastinate the conflict on their terms.
I agree with this. You are a good friend to Jake letting him know that his jokes were offending people. You didn’t mention names so the other two have no reason to feel you were backstabbing them. Just know you did the right thing and this too shall pass. Eventually things will go back to normal and maybe Jake will be a little better for it. NTA!
YTA: don’t get involved in situations where you are the bystander. It doesn’t work out the way you think it will. People are allowed to vent just to blow off steam.
Not TA for saying his jokes are offensive. Possibly TA for throwing *”some people in the group”* under the bus, and not saying that *you* think they’re offensive.
Unless you don’t think he’s offensive, in which case, probably TA for an offensive sense of humor yourself.
I understand and respect your point. Just to clarify, my humor isn’t being offensive just for the sake of being offensive. it’s sarcasm and friendly banter, which is particularly prone to landing wrong (offensive) when in crowds you’re unfamiliar with, but when handled correctly, can be completely innocuous and funny.
Never get offended on someone else’s behalf.
Yes and no at the same time.
NTA = Your friend has no self-awareness, and you helped, as you where the only one to tell the truth
TA = none of your business talking about other people’s experience when conflict is involved. Yes, those people were talking behind his back and are cowards.
However, since they are prone to gossiping and talking behind other people’s backs, you are the subject of their conversation this week.
One does unsavoury jokes (according to you), and you listen to people talking behind his back, and instead of confronting them, you play white knight. Now they are mad at you and talking about you.
Change your actions and/or your circle of friends.
This is the price to pay in order to mature.
NTA – If two friends were talking about another behind their back and engaging in the same hurtful behavior they were complaining about, it does not sound like they intended to address it in a positive manner. You were being a good friend to Jake by helping him to see a different perspective on his sense of humor and giving him the opportunity to remedy it.
From how you described it (not using specific names) and Jake’s reaction, it does not sound like you were trash-talking Ella and Jone (oddly specific spelling for an alias..). Maybe there is more to it than that, but they come off in this scenario as seeming somewhat petty and easy to offend. I wonder if Jake even owed them an apology in the first place.
YTA: NOT because you said something to your friend. BUT because you wanted to let your friend know he may be too offensive. but didn’t check your friends that were making petty jokes behind his back.
NTA, though in the future it’d be good to at least encourage people to talk to the person directly instead of behind their back. You did what I would have done at your age, though, and it’s way better than just griping about the jokes and building up resentment.
Neurodivergence makes typical social interactions difficult, and I’ve hurt feelings by trying to be ‘mean in a funny way’ since I’d seen others doing it. I didn’t understand that it only works with certain people and depends on their personal relationship to the jokester.
I had people come and tell me in private that I’d hurt someone’s feelings and I greatly appreciated it, especially because they knew I hadn’t meant harm.
Soft YTA because you’re young. This is a live and learn thing.
You threw your other friends under the bus and hid behind them as a shield to protect yourself from a negative interaction with Jake: “*I* don’t have a problem, *I* think your jokes are great, because I’m super cool and chill; but *some* people who aren’t as super cool and chill as me are getting offended…”
I was 18 once and you just started WAY more drama than what was already happening. Now, Jake is going to be running around asking everyone if he heard anyone saying anything. And when he gets to Ella and Jone, they will be embarassed and deny it. And when he asks the friends who didn’t say anything, they will go searching for that tea as well, until everyone goes full circle. Not uncovering anything and then mistrust will be unleashed. Or, Ella and Jone will feel safe confirming it was them to another member of the friend group, and that friend might make a report to Jake who will then be upset that Ella and Jone weren’t honest and if Ella and Jone find out the friend they confided in leaked the deets to Jake they will be upset with that friend. And people will start taking sides, and not trusting, etc. You basically just started a friendship shit storm.
IMO, you should have a) let Ella and Jone talk to Jake on their own terms, even if that is never – and disengage yourself from their negative conversations if they make you uncomfortable. b) if you felt like it was an issue that Jake needs to address, you should have protected your friends, stepped up and told him that YOU personally have an issue with it and worry his jokes might be hurting others in the friend group. And that’s not a lie. Even if you don’t have an issue with the content of his jokes, you do have an issue with their impact.