My husband and I (30s) have been married for 3 years and recently bought our first house together. It’s a 4 bedroom house and 2 of them are guest rooms for now. We’re at a point in our lives and marriage where we want to start trying for kids and I know it’s going to be rough because we both have some health and other issues surrounding that, and we both have stressful jobs. My husband immigrated here from another country for graduate school and his uncle supported him by giving him money for part of his tuition fees, which he paid back later.
Husband has a cousin back in his home country, the same uncle’s son, who he has always been close to though he’s considerably older than my husband. When he spoke to his cousin recently, he told him his daughter wants to pursue her undergrad education in the US and was accepted at a school 40 mins from us. He also told him how he’s under a lot of pressure financially because he purchased some property recently. My husband’s niece hasn’t confirmed yet where she wants to go but they’re heavily leaning towards the one close to us because it’s close to us. He asked my husband if she can stay with us if she chooses the school close to us. He mentioned a lot of “family helps out family”, and brought up that his dad gave my husband money when he was coming here for higher education, etc.
I thought my husband were definitely not very okay with this given where we are in our lives right now but when we spoke after this conversation, he told me that he’s not entirely comfortable with this but also doesn’t know how to say no to his cousin, it is his niece after all, that we have a big house, and she wouldn’t even be home most of the day. I told him it’s not a dorm, that she would be home at night so its definitely going to put stress on our marriage since thats the only time we get to spend together. We’re going to be expected to cater to her for 4 years, house, feed, drive her around (we only have one car), probably also pay for whatever she needs, deal with any behavioral issues. Possibly for longer if she’s not able to get a job.
Mind you, I’ve never met his niece but MIL has told me enough about her to know that she’s very entitled and doesn’t really think about other people, or really think through situations either. She knows her dad is under a lot of stress financially but has still insisted on going to school internationally. She would be getting a loan but he is signing as her guarantor and will be on the hook if she’s not able to get a job. She also doesn’t seem very aware of the current state of immigration in this country. Given that and how scarce entry level jobs are in her field, she’s very likely not going to be able to get a job.
Husband saw my point but said we would be AHs to tell his cousin no despite having the means for it, knowing it will put extra pressure on him to pay for her living expenses.
This is going to cause so much family drama no matter what happens
😔
NTA?
NTA – They are not asking for a few weeks to get startet, they are asking for 4+ years.
Your husband paid back his loan, you are not obliegend to host somebody for college.
I hope, your husband is able to communicate this.
NAH. I see both sides and your husband is in a really tough spot given that uncle loaned him tuition money. Either way people are going to be unhappy and feelings will be hurt.
Husband also paid back that tuition money. He no longer owes uncle.
It doesn’t matter if it was paid back – the uncle did the favor by loaning it to him which helped him get through school.
Does the school near you have on-campus housing? She can live there. Your home is not a dorm, and the niece would be better suited living on campus, around classmates.
Hubby’s uncle was very kind to help with tuition, but it does not obligate you to do the same.
NTA.
NTA…this is too much to ask. Your home is not a hotel for relatives.
NTA simply because you BOTH are contributing to the house.
Assuming you are in the USA (given what you said about immigration) I wouldn’t be encouraging her to come, never mind live at your house.
I understand he finds it difficult to say no, but it’s not only up to him.
I would let your cousins Dad know that you are unable to house her but are happy to include her for holidays at your home. You’ll be sure to check in with her at the dorm and offer to take her to the grocery store once a month or so. Basically tell him what you are willing to do.
NAH yet. Cousin is asking and may well accept being told no.
Perhaps there is an option that would be expensive but stress the family bonds less? If OP and husband have the means to do so, perhaps they can offer funds (just like Uncle did) to house niece on campus?
Maybe it can be presented as giving niece a superior support system as they work long days and won’t be able to drive her around and prepare healthy food etc., while niece gets easy access to her classes and the dining hall, library, tutoring, campus clubs, etc.
There would be an additional benefit having niece on campus because she would be forced to consider other’s views about sharing accommodations. Family might feel compelled to inconvenience themselves. Fellow students might not.
Good luck
NTA. You live 40 minutes away from the university? Who is driving her to/from to school? That is a MAJOR commitment.
I’d politely say not thank you but we’d happily be a place she could visit for holidays, or help with laundry on the monthly basis, or do the occasional dinner / shopping out.
NTA 40 minutes is a very far commute for college. She should live on campus. You should offer to let her stay with you for holidays and some weekends.
Oohh if this is an Asian country you will be expected to include them and pay for EVERYTHING once they’re in your household!
I don’t understand why anyone would want to come here with what’s happening right now. I think this is just the beginning of really bad things yet to come.