My husband (30M) has a full time salary job that basically requires him to work every day. He also basically has a second full time job volunteering at a school for a sports team that is year round with fundraisers, off season competitions, recruiting more students, etc. He is the lead so he does everything including administrative. There are adults that can take over. But he doesn’t trust them.
He wanted a dog, I did as well with conditions, which was for him to be home more. I no longer work due to an injury that has causes pain. I can managed with a lot of of appointments, but there are some days it’s hard for me to get out of bed. We got a dog because we wanted a companion especially since I am alone most days and will help keep me active. However, he turned out to be more work than just companion. I’m stressed out with his reactivity and training from early morning to night time. Taking him to doggy daycare is helpful, but he wants to take him less to save on money.
I told him I wanted him to take a step back for now, but when we want children in the near future I’d like for him to come home after his full time day job and not go to his full time volunteer job. Since I’ve known him and even after getting a dog he leaves to go to work at 5AM, leaves at 5PM to go straight to his volunteer job and comes home at 10PM-11PM every day. EVERY DAY. He comes home to get ready for bed. The only times I see him is to say good morning and good night. He has expressed to me,”He will never give up volunteering and taking a step back.” I told him then we will not have children considering I get zero help and support with a dog that I don’t trust he will be there when we have children. He said he would limit days he goes. I say,”No, you will not be doing it at all if you want to be a father.” I don’t get to have hobbies and do things that I enjoy. I do all the house work. Updating of house projects. Maintaining the fort and some days I need his help with certain projects I physically can not do around the house. The idea of starting a family sounds depressing and severely concerning to me when it once was a dream to have kids. I don’t want to be coupled up alone with them all hours of the day and night not getting time to do anything. Especially not having my husband around every evening after work to spend time as a family. He makes enough that I don’t have to work and he doesn’t need the volunteer income to rely on in general. We are very lucky in this regard, but am I the asshole to wanting a typical family routine of going to work, coming home to your family?
Nta. You don’t get to be out for 12 hours a day with dogs and kids, why does he? Would his kids even be able to know him like that? No, his ‘limiting his time volunteering’, do you get to ‘limit your time being the only one taking care of everyone’ when he does? Get to go out and do whatever you want while he’s alone with the kids? Somehow, I don’t think so. You’re nta, but I think he is. Don’t agree to have kids with him. It’s bad now, but things will only get worse if you add more responsibilities.
he wants to live like a single guy, maybe time to let him. Probably need to get a plan in play for some kind of job. sorry, he clearly doesn’t care.
In short, NTA
Get out
NAH you guys just suck at communicating and compromising.
Him: I will never give up…
You: you will not do it AT ALL if you want…
I would strongly encourage marriage counseling as well as individual therapy. Therapy is really awesome! It is so nice to have someone to vent to who does not have a personal stake.
NTA
Does your husband understand that he’s married?
He’s literally only home long enough to sleep…*every day of the week*?!?
I get that those volunteer positions are incredibly demanding, but are you sure that’s where he is all those hours?
Are you *really* really sure?
Do you have a vehicle?
Have you ever dropped in on where he’s supposedly at at 930pm when there isn’t a game scheduled???
Because if you can’t work due to physical disability, you’re totally screwed if this man walks out on you for a girlfriend you never knew about…
Don’t have kids. They are far more demanding and dependent on you than a dog is. Unfortunately, if you are struggling with the care and responsibility of a dog, the care of a child is not going to go well for you. Don’t have kids.
You sound exactly like two people I know. She has a chronic condition and couldn’t work, he worked full time and had a full time volunteer job… they are now divorced.
She resented the lack of help, he refused to give up his volunteer work even after having kids.
Worth noting he gave up volunteering for his second wife, even though they never had kids or pets in the house.
If he wanted to, he would.
NTA
I’m trying to be empathetic, but you knew his routine and who he was before you got with him, before you married him, and before you got a dog.
What in Earth made you think that would change after you started dating, got married, or got a dog?
It won’t change now or when you have children.
What exactly does he offer you in this relationship aside from a good morning and goodnight? You’re basically single now. Might as well separate and find someone who actually wants to spend time with you and isn’t a massive avoidant toward you, his marriage, and responsibilities at home.
NAH just severe, severe incompatibility.
Info: was he already doing this volunteer job on top of full time work when you got married? Did you have a problem with it then and were expectations discussed?
I’m not sure if anyone is the asshole but definitely don’t have kids.
Volunteer income? If he’s getting paid that’s a second job. Some volunteer programs offer VLA stipends or reimbursements, but the legal definition of a volunteer is someone who offers their service freely.
This is going to make me an asshole and I know they will come for me, but I literally stopped when you said you were thinking of having children. You can’t work because of pain. Some days you can’t get out of bed. You cant/wont spend time with the dog to work on its issues or can’t deal with his issues, either is a problem.
Don’t bring children into this mess. You don’t seem like you can care for children if you can’t care for yourself or a dog while you are home full time.
Telling him what he can and can’t do is not it. YTA for trying to force him to give up something that is clearly so very important to him that he has been doing it since before you were together. This is who he is.
YTA
That’s a fair point. Honestly, bringing a dog home when you can’t get out of bed some days is a bit selfish too.
It honestly just sounds like you two need to separate and do what makes you both happy. You’re both on different paths rn