General Backstory: My mom and I have a super complex relationship. I am the youngest of two girls with a 11-year age gap. She’s always been hotheaded and lacking in accountability, but I have tried to keep a somewhat close and warm relationship with her despite that. I don’t talk to her that often, but because I live close and I’m still fairly young, I tend to have a little more tolerance for her antics (emotional outbursts over text or the phone when doesn’t get her way), and try to just set really firm boundaries to avoid conflict.
Now onto my dilemma: Just before Christmas, my mom asked for my address. I’ve previously avoided giving her this information because she’s shown me that she will drive by or attempt to visit unannounced. I recently moved in with my fiancé and I wanted to avoid a scenario where she makes him uncomfortable. That said, my fiancé’s mom has been to our house and this was revealed to my mom during the wedding dress shopping trip.
When she asked out of the blue, I asked "Why?" This set her off and the next morning, I received a flurry of text messages, saying that I had a lot of nerve, and that I needed to begin paying my own car insurance and return her house key. Neither of these upset me. When I responded to say I would do that, she called and told me additionally that I should take her name off the invite list to my wedding since "everyone else can do what they want to do," have my address and because she’s not allowed to bring a plus one.
Mind you, our wedding will have less than 50 guests including vendors. When I tried to offer a rebuttal, she replied "Fuck you bitch" and hung up the phone.
It’s been a few weeks since this happened, and although I know it would hurt her and that she didn’t mean it, I am inclined to make good on her request. This time it feels that this is way too far for me to excuse.
I do fear uninviting her would create additional conflict for me and my fiancé, because I think she could show up unannounced and make a scene (she has the info from previous conversations), which might ruin the day for the two of us. I know that he will support me either way, but I don’t want the day to be turned upside down because of my mom.
WIBTA for actually not inviting her? And if not, what can I do to make sure she can’t ruin our big day?
NTA. Pay your own car insurance, and give her the invite so she can be the one to not show up, that way she can’t twist this into a “my daughter is so horrible” bs situation. My mom is like this and I totally get it. Keep your boundaries. If you give an inch she’ll take a mile.
I know society and people in general stress the importance of family, but I’m a firm believer that blood makes you related. Love and loyalty make you family.
She sounds like a toxic person. Why are you even involving her in your life at all? If you’re not willing to give her your address, why are you contemplating allowing her to your wedding? If you ever have kids, would you want her around them? Would you went you kids to be treated like you’re being treated?
I know you probably want to keep a relationship with your mom because we feel like we need to. But don’t drink poison just because you are thirsty.
I’m not saying to cut her off, but maybe distance yourself from her.
NTA. Don’t invite her. Get security.
NTA either way – take a chance and invite, or say no and she may show up anyhow.. Decide if you want to give her a chance, or not.
Either way, hire security to be there to handle her if she shows up.
NTA. If you can’t trust someone with your address, how can you trust them to behave on a special occasion?
NTA. No one who calls you a bitch should not be invited to your wedding.
She meant it, believe her. She’s not going to change.
The only way to keep her from ruining your day is to not let her know the day, the time or the place. Or get good security.
NTA
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202202/8-types-of-children-scapegoated-in-narcissistic-families
NTA. Have a couple of people at the door that can turn her away. Let her know they will be there and she is not welcome. Then forget about her and enjoy your day.
NTA. I eloped purely because I didn’t want my mother at my wedding. It’s been ten years and she doesn’t have my husband’s phone number. She is kept at arms length and I don’t care how that makes her feel.
Parents have to earn the relationship they will have with their adult children. They are not entitled to anything. Full stop.
NTA
Change the venue or get people who will bounce her at the door and go NC
Itd be emotionally pruning this toxic element from your life
NTA. She’s put you in a tough position. It seems like she as purposely used your wedding to get a hold of the information you have tried to keep her form getting (your address). And then escalated things when you held your ground.
I think you would be fine if you either let her come or disinvited her. After all, she said to do it. And, if people ask, be honest about why. Anyone who would call you what she did certainly would deserve to be taken off the invite list. You are correct – this is a step over the line for you to excuse.
No mater what you do, make sure you have people at the wedding and reception to keep an eye out for her to make sure she does not make a scene. This will mean that you can relax and have a good time and not have to worry about it.
NTA. You know it will hurt her feelings and that she didn’t mean it? Well, she shouldn’t literally invite people to do things she doesn’t want, and she shouldn’t say things she doesn’t mean. Don’t enable her to spout off thoughtless bullshit and face 0 consequences.
NTA. I wouldn’t revoke the invitation but I would have security or someone to be security on hand to deal with her if she gets out of hand.
Sorry your mom never grew up