i (35F) was engaged a few years back. My mother, who really had been pretty uninvolved in anything for me financially since high school, offered to pay for our wedding venue. i was shocked when she offered because, again, hadn’t received much of anything from her in the way of helping with life since leaving home. but she insisted especially in the absence of my father (he passed away years prior). She said it was a gift to me and my then-fiancé. She also paid for my wedding dress on my birthday, calling it a gift.
fast forward a few months before the wedding, my fiancé ghosts me. literally have not seen or talked to him since. We lived together, i was on the hook for moving his stuff and my own. i found out he hadn’t been paying the rent (that i sent him money for every month). I’d also covered deposits for other things: wedding photographer, etc…it was a crappy situation. my mom couldn’t get her money back for the venue ($10k) and the dress ($2k) would either have to be resold or donated.
i went to stay with my mother in the time immediately after (5 months in total) and she brought up the money she lost. in my mind, it never occurred to to me that she thought I should pay her back for a wedding that 1) never happened because i was ghosted 2)that she said was a gift at the time she paid. in the years since, she will weaponize that against me whenever i dont do what she wants me to do. be it, cosign a loan for her, force my sister to do something, etc…
i literally have never, ever heard of a parent demanding to be repaid for a wedding if the relationship dissolved. not to mention, constantly being reminded of one of the most hurtful times of my life in an effort to guilt me into paying you feels cruel and ugly. most recently, she told me she still has the wedding dress (from 7 years ago!) and thinks I should be helping her to sell it. Still. Almost a decade later. It feels like she’s holding on to it, in order to have something over me. she also has begun saying that I didn’t give her anything for when i stayed with her after the aforementioned fallout from my ex.
she also wrote about this situation on a public forum, but said that she “lost $10,000 on me” and not that she paid for her daughter’s wedding and after said daughter was ghosted decided she wanted to be paid back…not by the ghostee but by her daughter! 🫠
AITA in this situation?!
It sounds like both of these things were given as gifts for your wedding. The wedding didn’t happen, by no fault of yours, why would she make an already shitty situation for you even worse? Sure, she’s allowed to be bitter that the money went to waste, but she’s souring the relationship with you by demanding it back like this.
NTA
I am curious how much the venue cost if the wedding had happened because 10k is a lot to pay for a deposit.. and if you cancel months out the contract should have a refund of At least part of it
I think by that time she’d paid a deposit and maybe one more payment towards the final. This place had a strict policy on refunds. The wedding was cancelled three months out. But I do remember emailing and making the case and them just sending over the clause in the contract.
NTA, but you could also take your ex to small claims court to recoup half of the lost money. You should be helping her to sell the dress. Either at a consignment shop or on Facebook marketplace, Kijiji or eBay.
I do not know where he is. The last I heard he’d moved to a different state. That was 7 years ago though. Certainly not sure now.
I’ve listed the dress but it never sold.
You could hire a private detective to search for him and serve papers.
Might not be worth it though
You have to take it in person to a consignment shop. You may feel better donating it. There are orgs that provide free or discounted wedding dresses to lower income people, first responders and teachers.
A gift is a gift. NTA. Channeling what my super formal etiquette grandma would say about your mother… Your mother’s behavior lacks propriety and grace.
While I acknowledge that there’s no expectation to repay a gift, I wouldn’t be comfortable carrying on as usual knowing my mom was out 10k. I know it’s not your fault, OP, but that would eat me alive. I’d come up with a payment plan so I didn’t have to deplete my savings, but I couldn’t just do nothing and let someone else swallow the whole loss.
If your wedding is canceled, it is common practice to return the gifts you’ve received.
I think this situation is a bit different because it’s a parent funding a child’s wedding, but in general, wedding gifts are returned if the wedding does not take place.
The mom was out 10k either way. OP getting married was not going to change that.
The money was spent either way. Unless we view OP getting married as some kind of reward for her mom this doesn’t really make any sense. As a mother she should be more concerned with her daughter’s well-being after being ghosted in such a traumatic way.
NTA
She said it was a gift. You don’t repay the gift giver even if the gift goes unused. If they expect to be reimbursed then it wasn’t a gift in the first place.
NTA
If she wants her money back, she can go try to get it out of the immature turd that ghosted you.
I’m unsure on this one, putting myself in your shoes with my parents I would feel terrible regardless of if it was a gift or not like you said the wedding didn’t happen so your Mum is out £12,000 for nothing! Of course it’s not your fault but I would feel terrible and I would absolutely offer to pay my parents back, I don’t believe they would accept but I would at least offer.
Maybe that’s what is missing here, you seem to have no sense of at least wanting to reimburse her and that seems quite shitty to me, you said it didn’t even occur to you?!! Like at all?! Not once did think you should or want to pay her back? Especially since she took you in after and you went back to living with her for 5 months. Maybe that’s why she keeps bringing it up (which yes she is doing it in a rude way) but maybe she’s just in disbelief that you genuinely seem to not have had the thought even once to repay her, it seems quite dismissive and entitled.