I (24F) got engaged to my fiancé (25M) last December and we’re beyond excited. We’ve been together for 6 years and are in the process of moving in together. Before this, I lived with a roommate Bea (24F), for 3 years.
From the beginning, there was a large income disparity. I’m self-employed and make a good living for my age, so I was fine purchasing most of the furniture and kitchen stuff since Bea didn’t plan to live here beyond a few years. When I met her she worked two jobs, but slowly she worked less and less, even turning down job offers and saying she didn’t feel like working more. She would stay home for days at a time while I worked 40+ hours every week.
Early into Bea moving in, Jessica (21F) became close friends with Bea. The three of us were friends, but they somehow became the duo in a trio despite Jessica being my cousin and one of my best friends.
At the beginning of last year Bea stopped paying her share of the WiFi and electric bills. Tension built. What started as passive aggression escalated into yelling, insulting, and demeaning me. I admit I enabled some of this early on by not setting firm boundaries. By the time I grew a spine, the damage was already done.
Last September, I told her I was done living with her. She claimed I couldn’t kick her out because she was on the lease, so I threatened to move out instead and leave her with all the rent and bills. By the end of the month, she moved out, but not without attempting to steal some of my stuff along the way. During the move, I ran into Jessica’s younger sister (18F) helping her move things to her new apartment.
Neither cousin reached out to ask my side. Bea left owing me over $3k, and I’m in the process of taking legal action. Conveniently, neither cousin is able to tell me her new address.
After getting engaged, wedding planning began and the topic of bridesmaids came up. About a year earlier, I had told both cousins I wanted them in my bridal party. Obviously, I was starting to have doubts.
Over the holidays, I explained everything to Jessica. The unpaid bills, the mistreatment, and how badly I was hurt. She apologized but said she was “staying out of it” and chose to remain friends with Bea, despite knowing the full story before I even talked to her.
After thinking it over, I decided I didn’t want either of them to be bridesmaids. I told Jessica that I loved her and wanted her at the wedding, but that she would be a guest and not a bridesmaid. I wanted bridesmaids that I felt had my back, and were truly supportive friends.
She said she has the right to choose her friends, and I agreed, but maintained my boundary.
Now I’m torn. I’m proud of standing up for myself, but I’m sad and worried I may regret kicking them out when I look back at the photos years from now, and that Bea really got the last laugh by getting between me and Jessica.
So, AITA for removing two bridesmaids for staying friends with Bea, or did I overreact and should I keep them in the bridal party?
NTA your cousin has no loyalty for you. She’s a coward who avoids conflict. Why would you even want her in your wedding party?
NAH You can obviously fire your cousins as bridesmaids, but it’s not their or Bea’s fault. *You* decided to let your disagreement with Bea come between you and your cousins.
They may be your cousins, but they don’t have your best interests. They don’t sound like people who will be as supportive as you need through the wedding. NTA.
What best interest does OP have in them staying friends or not?
Bea owes OP money, that has nothing to do with the cousins, its not like if they stopped being friends with bea it would make her give OP the money.
The cousins can support OP and be friends with Bea, why does OP need them to validate her choice?
NTA. They may be your cousins but they’re not your friends. Why would you feel bad about not having them on the photos ? Especially Jessica who knew the full story before that. And don’t expect Jessica to ask you to be her bridesmaid
She has the right to choose her friends AND you have the right to choose your bridesmaids. Simple as that.
NAH. You can establish whatever criteria for the bridesmaids you’ll invite to stand next to you during your wedding, and your cousins are also fine for not getting involved in this conflict you’re having with a mutual friend.
NTA. Your wedding is about you and your fiancé, and it’s completely fair to want people in your bridal party who genuinely have your back. Jessica choosing to stay close with someone who wronged you, even if she apologizes, is still a boundary you’re allowed to set. You can still have her celebrate with you as a guest without putting yourself in an uncomfortable position. Weddings are emotional, and it’s okay to protect your own peace.
Bea disn’t get between you and your cousin. You did. You chose to cut her out for remaining friends with your ex room mate. Your decision is valid, but put the responsibility where it belongs – with you.
You can set any criteria you like for your bridesmaids. If you’ve decided that the the support you need from your bridesmaids includes them severing ties with friends if the friends have taken advantage of you, that’s your prerogative.
It does seem to me that Bea has her revenge on you by isolating you from your family, but if you weren’t very close to your cousins anyway, that may not be a thing to worry about.
Have you asked your cousins for all of the story they had from Bea? It may be that the version they heard differed just enough in tone from yours that they are not clear on who the bad guy is in this situation. Clearly, you see her as having taken advantage of you and your better job and income. She may have spun it more toward you filling the shared space with tension while she was having a hard time and stressed about not being able to make ends meet. Your cousins may well have heard this side well before you told them your version of the facts. First impressions are hard to shake and could be a factor here.
I think your emotions are valid on this.
NTA. Standing your ground feels aggressive when you’re not used to it. Don’t let them live rent-free in your head and have a glorious wedding.
NTA. You deserve people by your side that have your back. Keep your boundary and your peace. Congratulations on your engagement!