I (27F) has been working with my friend Alison (25F) in my other friend’s small business for a year. Overtime she started complaining a lot. Sometimes it’s valid, like if our boss is giving unreasonable amount of work or had bad planning. Then she went through a hard time from her relationship and family, so she was always in a bad mood and I was always trying to comfort her and listening to her. She would be crying or arguing on the phone at work, and I tried my best to be there for her.
However, I can’t deal with loud voices and even if she’s not complaining about me, hearing someone angrily complain 5 days a week was exhausting. Most of her complaints is just about regular stuff she needs to deal with on her job. Her main job is to drive, but she’ll constantly complain about how she doesn’t have enough time, how she’s making really far trips for nothing and how we aren’t letting her go home at the correct time and there was traffic. She’s paid for all the time and gas was covered full.
I was always on her side and thought that she really had trouble with job because my boss didn’t plan well. I mediated between her and my boss a lot because she’ll just tell me she can’t make it and expect me to talk to our boss because he’s my friend. Not that I’m stupidly nice, but just… her complaints were hurting my brain and I really want it to stop. I tired to be dismissive about her complaints or telling her I need to focus, that loud voices hurts my brain, that I can’t solve her issues, many times. However she’ll keep going as long as I reacted.
She left for a vacation last month and the people who covered her shifts never had issues. Also, my brain has cooled down and I’ve never felt so calm and peaceful in a long time. After she comes back, she kept complaining about the drives she needs to make and how she couldn’t make it, I told her other people had no issues and she should ask them how they did it. As usual, instead of asking others she just kept complaining to me. My brain started hurting again and I was so sure there was nothing I can do to stop her. So I just silently walked into another room, shut the door, and put on my airpods. But when I came out, she was gone on her drive.
Later my boss texted me and asked if I was fighting with her, saying that she has went to him and ask if I was good, that I seem irritable today and refused to talk to her and shut a door on her face. I told him exactly what happened and he told me he understands but I should talk to her. I refused because I really don’t wanna deal with it again.
I understand that I could’ve directly tell her to stop complaining to me, but she’s my friend and I really don’t wanna sounds like “I don’t wanna know ur struggles anymore”. I’ve talked to her many times and it didn’t make any sense she doesn’t get it at this point. But I feel like I could’ve still got more confrontational before shutting her off. AITA?
No I don’t think you are the ah. Your breaking point with her could have been way worse 😅 she sounds exhausting and completely unaware of how relentlessly she complains
NTA, she sounds like a nightmare
NTA. Your boss is weird for trying to ask you to mend it when it’s a relationship between you and your friend. Perhaps time away from each other is good. She always relied on you for self-soothing, which sometimes its just necessary to get through it yourself like an adult.
There’s a healthy amount of perseverance needed in tough situations to enjoy the less difficult parts in life.
I would just say “[Name], I know the work seems challenging sometimes, but it’s like that for everyone else. Plus I’m a little tired this week, let’s just get through this okay?”
Why is this person your friend? You described nothing positive about your relationship with her.
I get a little confused here: “I understand that I could’ve directly tell her to stop complaining to me, but she’s my friend and I really don’t wanna sounds like “I don’t wanna know ur struggles anymore”. I’ve talked to her many times and it didn’t make any sense she doesn’t get it at this point”
Have you spoken to her about the problem or not? I’m guessing that if you have, you were probably a little I direct, meaning you haven’t actually said what the problem is. Telling her repeatedly you have to focus *should* communicate that you don’t want her talking to you all the time, but it’s not.
I get you don’t want to hurt her but, as her friend, you may have to be completely honest. Maybe something like “I really care about you and want to know when things are bothering you. But what’s been happening is you complain about the job a lot, and I’m finding it really hard to listen to it every day. It’s NOT that I don’t care, it’s just that it’s hard when I can’t do anything to help you. And as your friend, I don’t think I’m helping you by not saying anything about it. If you hate the job, find something you like more. If you want to stay, it doesn’t do you or anyone else any good for you to always be complaining.”
However you put it, it sounds like she’s making you miserable (for good reason) and she’s showing no signs of stopping. She probably won’t like hearing it, but I think it would be a good thing for her to hear. I can’t imagine no one else minds.
NTA , find better friends she sounds actually miserable.. and well misery loves company so don’t let it be yours.
YTA because you acted rudely as a result of letting it get to a point it shouldn’t have – it sounds like you were pretty passive about communicating your needs for a long time. It’s hard yes but it needs to be done. “Alison, I value your friendship but it is very draining for me to hear so many complaints about the same things regularly. It brings me down to hear negativity and affects my mood and my day. How can we come to an understanding where we are both getting what we need out of this?”
NTA for being exhausted by her complaining. Just for not dealing with it for too long.
I understand the problem with this woman at work. Honestly, even if she’s a friend, you are not her therapist. You need to talk to her and tell her that you can’t help her emotions anymore cause you’ve got enough trouble with your own.
Your boss being a friend should be more understanding especially when it’s work and not a social activity.
Even if this woman is your friend and you don’t want to hurt her feelings but look what it’s been doing to your emotions. You need to shut it down before the stress makes you really sick. If you haven’t got any GI issues now that is what will happen next.
I like how you did that. Talk about Debbie Downer. nta
Yta
If you can no longer handle a behaviour you have previously been ok with, you need to communicate that.
You are avoiding the awkward conversation and that is 100 times worse than her complaining.
“I can no longer handle this complaining Janet (important to use her name), and I will no longer be listening to it. “
NTA. NTA. NTA. NTA.
At my last job, there was a girl who moaned constantly about everything, and it sucked the life out of everyone else, turning it from a lovely place to work to somewhere we all dreaded being in the room with her.
She moaned mainly about being a single mum (of 1 kid), despite *literally choosing* to be a single mom, knowingly sleeping (unprotected) with a married man, and hoping to baby trap him, despite him clearly having no intention of leaving his wife even before the hassle of a kid. Meanwhile, several other women in our team became single mums (to 2-4 kids) due to male partners who left 95% of the parenting to the women until they inevitably split up, or some due to straight-up domestic abuse.
She also moaned about never having any money – partly because she didn’t put her child’s dad on the birth certificate, partly because she would often spend her wages on crap, and partly because she only ever worked the maximum number of hours she was able to before her benefits would start to be tapered down.
She also moaned about her work hours being bonkers and not fitting well around school times, but *actively chose* a mix of long days and short days, and just refused to work 5 days a week because she just liked like having a day off each week without the kid around, rather than just working 9 til 3 or 9 til 2, like some other mums did.
The real kicker was that she moaned about how hard it was to have 1 parent with cancer and 1 with dementia. This was an *extremely valid* complaint, obviously, but literally 2 of her immediate colleagues *had cancer themselves* during this time, and one was going through it while also caring for 2 older parents with dementia and other issues. A few others had big health scares themselves. 2-3 others in the team of about 10 people had parents with cancer. The moaner *never* asked about any of the rest of us or our parents.
After nearly 4 years of listening to this self-interested plank moaning constantly (usually about things she had caused), it was the sweetest feeling in the world to immediately delete and block her everywhere on my last day.
You *have* to protect yourself from these energy vampires.