I (24F) had a really good mom growing up. My mother strived to be present, understanding and supportive. She was loving and raised me to stand up for myself and others. She would often be referred to as the cool mom growing up. Not because she was allowing illicit behavior, but because she was nurturing, generous and understanding compared to the parents of my friends.
I by no means took my mom for granted for that. I told her often how much I appreciated her. I praised her on how she was a loving mother and how much I cared about her at every turn. I made sure to reward her the best I could with birthdays, Christmas, mother’s day, and any other surprise I could afford to show her my thanks. But recently, im starting to realize that my mother doesn’t know how to be a parent to an adult child.
This past Saturday ive noticed my mom had a sour mood. She had just got back from participating in an event to feed the homeless and came back visibly irratated (tone, body language and facial expressions). My God sister (24f) was over at the house that day as well and noticed our mother’s anger. She said little critical remarks to us before heading to her room and saying nothing else.
That next morning she was up at 7am criticizing my sister and I for being up all night and asleep during the day (among other things) and was angry that we weren’t ready for church. (Church didnt start until 10pm and the church was 10 mins away from the house)
Around 8am she came into my room again waking me out of my sleep asking when I would get out of bed and get ready.
I told her I wasn’t going to go. ( this might have been my fault. I meant to say that I would uber on my own and not go with her but once again I was half asleep when she asked). She started a tirade about how my aunt was speaking and if I didnt get up and go she would no longer have anything for me.
At this point I was confused because that was an absurd reaction. I said was I didnt like how she was speaking to me. Her tone was aggressive and berating and I didnt think that was at all nessacary.
After that I went to tell my grandmother and sister about what was going on. When she overhead me speaking to them, she came in repeating her speech in the same tone. I repeatedly told her that I heard her but I dont like how she was speaking to me. She responded by saying she didnt care. That she is, "the mother and would talk to me how she pleases".
I dont know what I can exactly say without the post being removed so ill keep it vague. But this eventually exploded into her making repeated threats and lunging towards me. My sister stood between us to make sure my mother wouldnt hit me and eventually told both of us she wanted nothing to do with us.
This happened a few days ago and my mother has not said a word to me since. I know she is most likely waiting for an apology but I dont think I should have to give one.
WIBTAH for not apologizing?
Could something be happening at your mom’s work or in her personal life that is causing her to be like this? Does she usually expect you to get up at 7 am to be at church by 10 am?
I’m 62F and I encouraged both of my kids to live at home as long as they wanted to, but I also did my best to let them do what they wanted without me questioning everything they did. If you’re still living at home, I think you should consider moving out as soon as you can, even if it’s finding a roommate. I don’t think you should apologize, but perhaps ask your mom if something is going on that she wants to talk about?
Thank you for this insight because I truly dont know. Outside of this and one other prior event my mom and I really do have a good relationship.
I will admit I wake up a bit later during the day but thats because I work afternoon to evenings and do school work at night (im a full time student completing a winter course). This was never a problem previously.
I help around the house with chores. I use to do household laundry twice a week to ease her burden and then random she told me I didnt have to and took over. I contribute to expenses and groceries. I pay for the Costco, Amazon and several streaming services. Its not like im just freeloading.
Info: have there been any other strange/controlling behaviors like this?
Based on what you’ve shared, NTA. But honestly, it seems like that’s irrelevant. By your own account, she’s been a great mom – something else must be going on. Either something specific about the situation that is triggering an abnormal reaction, or something a bit more chronic.
Perhaps when dust has settled a bit, sit down and have a chat sharing that you’re concerned?
The last time something to this degree happend was a year ago (23). I told her I wasnt feeling well and wasnt going to school and she literally dragged me out of my bed.
Later she claimed it was because she was afraid for me since I was already behind and she worried I wouldnt finish. So I didnt really get an apology there either.
Seems like “attendance” in general might be a recurring theme based on these examples?
If yes, makes me wonder if she’s had some sort of traumatic experience in her own past tied to something similar.
Yeah sounds like there may be a medical issue here
NTA, as of course you wouldn’t apologize. Is there any chance your mom is going through menopause or having early dementia symptoms? As that sounds like a very extreme personality shift, and menopause psychosis is a real condition and can be often treated relatively easily with hormones. Can you reach out to your aunt and see if she has noticed any similar issues or can shed any light on what might be going on?
I know she is going through menopause but she has been for a while. The last big freak out she has was about a year ago.
When it happened I told my uncle about it. He spoke to her later that day and said she seemed fine. She told him about the situation as well. From his words I could tell he empathized with me but he didnt say it directly.
My aunt currently isnt speaking to me since I missed her preaching. I texted her the day of to congratulate her and called her the next day but she never responded or got back to me.
NTA.
But if this change in behavior and attitude is as sudden as you’re describing, there’s got to be more to it than a single argument, or frustration over losing control as a parent… because it doesn’t sound like control was ever something she held dear.
How old is your mom? Some early-onset forms of dementia can start to kick in as early as your mid-40s or 50s. Or maybe she’s experienced some kind of trauma that she can’t talk about?
Truthfully I dont know. Had this been teenage me I definitely would have left stuff out. But my mom and I rarely argue. We talk everyday before and after work. We laugh together. She’s the same with my God sister. But Saturday and Sunday felt like a fever dream. Even my Sister said she felt like we woke up in a different dimension.
My mom is 53 and I know shes currently in menopause. I was thinking it could be a bipolar thing that might have come up but im not really seeing any consistent behaviors. The only thing menopause has really done for my mom thus far is OCD.