About a year and a half ago, I moved out because of my mom’s drinking. I shared a lease with a friend, but it didn’t work out, so I’ve been living with my parents for about a year.
My mom was in the hospital around Christmas time, and she has a lot of health concerns that have popped up over the years. Now she has an oxygen tank, and while she’s (somewhat) recovering, she isn’t in the best shape.
I love my family, but both of my parents were extreme alcoholics, and my dad was very abusive towards my mom throughout my childhood. It’s a classic case of my parents not owning up to the stuff they did (or making jokes), and it really makes me feel bad about myself all the time. Anytime I try to bring it up, it gets dismissed, so I’ve stopped trying.
The past couple of months have been extremely hard for me, and losing my job was like icing on the cake. I decided to take a few weeks to enjoy unemployment before the semester started to try to emotionally ground myself.
I did not get to ground myself. Since I have been unemployed, every day has been me driving someone somewhere or helping out with a favor. I try not to complain about stuff like this, but my family has been irritated with me, and I have been on edge lately. My dad constantly guilt-trips me about $1,200 he owed me 6 months ago, my brother does not do his chores, so it falls on me, and as much as I love my mom, when I try to talk to her for an extended amount of time, I get unreasonably frustrated and want to be alone.
I know that living here is making me more of a bitch than I usually am, but I also feel like if I leave while my family needs help, not only will I feel guilty, but they will never let me live it down. My mom talks about my leaving being one of the worst things that happened to her, so I feel an even bigger obligation to stay.
I feel like I’m in hell and can’t escape.
You’ll never be the ah for leaving as long as you don’t need their money to do it. It’s not like you’re leaving her to live by herself, and you can still check in on her/help with her health without having to look after the whole house.
Why set yourself on fire to keep them warm?
NTA. You owe it to yourself to live your own life, and to not stay somewhere where you know the continued dysfunction is bad for your mental health. I’d say this is especially true when your parents haven’t even *at least* acknowledged the harm they did to you and apologized/worked to do better.
Also, to be blunt, it would be wild of them to blame you for not being a perfectly above-and-beyond daughter/son when they couldn’t even be good parents/give you a good childhood. I understand alcoholism is a disease, I’m not trying to be cold, but it’s just a fact that children suffer with alcoholic parents. Pretty rich of them to get angry at you for not wanting to continue bending over backward for them when it’s not good for you. I would start planning to get out of there, and also start saying no more often. Having to give them a ride or whatever a few days a week is one thing, but it shouldn’t be every day of the week. Same for doing your brother’s chores – if it’s something like dishes literally molding in the sink, maybe go ahead and cover it, but anything that’s not absolutely dire, just don’t step in for him. Leave it for him to do.
If they’re angry at you for literally just living your life, that’s their problem. Don’t let dysfunctional people tell you how to live your life.
Also, grown adults guilting their children for making them pay back money that was owed…or guilting their *adult children* and telling them that them moving out was “the worst thing that’s ever happened to them,” is extremely dysfunctional. Sounds like your parents might be codependent. If you haven’t before, you might want to look into adult children of alcoholics meetings (I forget if that’s the exact name?)
Dysfunctional families/dysfunctional people are often huge on using guilt and trying to keep someone stuck. Please, please don’t let them control you, and please know that you matter and deserve to live your own life that’s good for *you*.
“You can’t heal in the same environment that hurt you”
It seems like your parents have made a choice to not do or be better. That’s on them, and you have every right to protect yourself and your mental health by moving out.
Ask yourself this: if your parents didn’t understand on some level that the situation was horrible for you, do you think they would have to keep resorting to guilt trips and manipulative tactics to try and force you to stay?
NTA.
NTA. Please, please, PLEASE locate a nearby Al-Anon chapter. This is a group that helps people who are in a relationship with an alcoholic. I promise you, they will welcome you and support you.
Yes! This is completely true.
NTA!!! Leave
You are the hero here, the strong one, and you are in an awful bind.
HOW TO SURVIVE
You are not going to feel good if you bail, so you have to find a way to survive. In situations like this, I find a key word is “PAMPER.” Pamper yourself.
FIRST, you deserve it. So give yourself the grace of recognizing it.
SECOND, pampering is smart. It enables you to find your power so you can act. It is soothing, which helps you to keep it together and think. If you can think, you can find solutions. If you can solve, you can resolve.
ALSO, meditate to calm your nerves, your body, and your soul. I thought meditation was hard and too trendy. But it’s easy and natural.
*Sit with your legs crossed in front comfortably. Or sit in a chair with your knees in front of you and slightly apart, again comfortably.
*Close your eyes.
*Take 3 deep, slow cleansing breaths—
In slowly, hold.
Out slowly, hold.
*First, consider the pros.
*Next, consider the cons.
*Listen to/feel your gut as you do each.
Your gut will give you distinct messages for each option. It will be either agitated or calm. Act accordingly.
That’s it: Quick, easy, and accurate.