This morning, as my boyfriend was getting ready to leave for work, he asked me a succession of questions (Do you have a USB-C cable I can borrow? What am I cooking tonight? Do we have beef? Is it going to rain today?). He was in a rush and I was having breakfast at the table, from where I can reach the under-counter fridge. After the ‘do we have beef’ question, I just shrugged like I didn’t know and opened the fridge so he could see inside. He went ‘okay, cool’ from across the table and then asked me about the weather. I said ‘I don’t know, I’m not your Siri.’
He went ‘I’m just asking you a question’ and I went ‘You’ve asked me lots of questions’ and then something like ‘people ask their mom or their secretary things like this’. He got annoyed and said I was being weird, then left saying ‘you’re just angry cus I asked you to turn off the light in the bedroom’ (we disagree over what counts as ‘wasteful’ use of electricity – I don’t think having one small lamp in the other room lit so I can see where I’m going when I walk in there in twenty minutes is wasteful, he does).
This was all sort of joking, but I could tell he was annoyed. For context, we’ve been together over six years, we moved in together nine months ago, and we’ve spoken many times before about gender roles/division of labour/partner expectations, including in couples therapy. I know he has good intentions and that he was in a rush. I could’ve answered his questions and told him later to please check these things for himself and not leave the mental load up to me. On the other hand, these are the moments where I feel it’s most productive to call out the dynamics I want to avoid. AITA for being snarky and telling him in the moment?
TL;DR Longtime boyfriend asked me four questions in a row as he was rushing out the house and I told him not to treat me like his secretary, which he thought was weird and unreasonable.
NTA. The issue isn’t that he is asking your questions, it’s that by asking you questions he is making you responsible for the answer. All the things he asked, he could find out / take ownership for himself.
FWIW my partner used to do this to me and we’ve had a few conversations about how it makes me feel responsible for everything (and yes, carry the mental load). It’s still a work in progress, but I remind him he is a smart guy and can figure it out.
Yes this is annoying. My husband used to do the same. Including “how do I cook the chicken” and “what temp do I need to wash this shirt at” and my answer was always “I don’t know, you’re holding it, what does the label say?”
Calling it out is one thing but it’s going to cause friction. You need to make it harder to ask you the questions than to look it up himself. If he’s genuinely in a rush, reminding him to bring a rain jacket is helpful, but it is dead lazy to assume another person will do your logistics planning for you.
Women tend to be very good at organising and planning and while we all like to be helpful to loved ones, it can get to be too much when it’s just expected.
Thanks for your thoughts and validation. Like you say, I don’t mind helping out and sorting things out for him when he’s in a bind, it’s more the expectation that I found irritating.
I don’t know how I feel about ‘making it harder for him to ask the question than to look it up’ – at that point, I feel like I’m gentle parenting him, which I shouldn’t need to and don’t want to do. He’s an adult too and I’d like to he able to rely on him as such, you know what I mean?
>‘making it harder for him to ask the question than to look it up’ – up’ – at that point, I feel like I’m gentle parenting him, which I shouldn’t need to and don’t want to do.
You’re right. You shouldn’t have to do it, but you also don’t have to answer his questions
Next time he does these that require you to look and don’t know the answer, just say “I don’t know” and don’t look for the answer. And his response will probably be “can you look?” – which then you respond with “can you?”
It will cause friction, but that’s because he’s used to you doing the labor
NTA – my husband does this all the time too. It’s annoying AF. It does get overwhelming after a while (I’m AuDHD and too many questions can flood my brain). I’ve even had to remind him more than once that he has an engineering degree and is a smart man, that he can figure things out on his own.
A little bit of snark can happen in relationships after a while.
NTA my boyfriend does this and it’s annoying. he always asks me if it’s raining when we’re both inside! like why would I know if it’s raining more than you? he ALWAYS asks me for a charger or where it is as well. we each have our own chargers, and I never touch his, so I never have any idea where his charger is. I’m like, wherever you last were using it? then hell make like a groaning noise and go look for it.
I know it’s silly but he does it every day and I never know. he asks a lot of questions I wouldn’t know any better to him. if he asks me where his charger is, I’d have to go up and look for it, just like he would, just like if it’s raining, i’d pull the weather app on my phone just like he could do or go look out the window lol.
so no I don’t think your the asshole because I also find it annoying, however, I’ve never brought it up to my BF or told him to stop because it’s a very small thing lol, so he doesn’t even know i find it annoying.
if i did tell him to stop, hed probably just laugh at it but I dont think hed be mad.
All the women who have experienced this know you’re NTA.
He’s not “making small talk” – he’s asking you questions he could easily answer himself and shifting the mental load to you.
This issue was magnified for my husband and I after our first child. I would already have my own set of 100 questions running through my brain (did my son eat enough, does he have clean bottles, when will he nap today, do I need to change his diaper soon, where did I put xyz, etc.) If my husband said something like… “Do I need a jacket, is it cold outside? …it was enough to make me flip. We talked about it and he stopped asking me questions he could easier find out the answer.
You are smart to call this out now. Maybe your tone was poor, but overall NTA.
Yes! Omg, these comments….
As if “be grateful he isn’t farting and grunting at you” is the bar we should be held to!
Thanks for sharing! I often think about how having kids would affect our relationship dynamic. I’m glad you could talk it out and your husband was receptive to it!
My boyfriends does the same to me, and I get annoyed because he could look for whatever he’s looking for himself. And then I felt bad for being annoyed.
I never thought of it as he shifting the mental load onto me, which explains why I get annoyed. But from now on I will, thank you internet stranger!
Yeah NTA. My fiancé used to tell me eg – on Monday remind me that I have bla bla and then remind me to that. After a few months of this I flat out told him I wasn’t going to that anymore (I too have a lot on my plate) and that he should write things down in a calendar, like me. Thankfully he got it and this hasn’t been an issue for quite some time.
Yep. This is the dynamic I have with my partner. 17 years. I’ve had enough of being the project manager for both our lives. I’m actually ending things with him for this reason. He’s a wonderful person, but a mediocre partner, and I’m done.
TIL: me exporting portions of my brain to the women in my life, they most probably don’t like me doing it, and I’m going to have to stop – kinda sucks when you learn you’ve been doing something potentially annoying.
Nice for you to have this moment tho— not sarcastic. Having someone using you as a no-labor external brain is so fucking annoying and its hard for the person using you as such to see it, because if you respond to a casual “what’s the deal with the beef” with “fucking look yourself, you’re standing next to the fridge” after 20 similar secretarial questions the person gets defensive and you look hysterical. So much better to hear from a third party, and you have the power to change the dynamic for good and without conflict. A+ internalizing