My friend Nancy planned a trip to Asia in February. She sort of planned everything by finding the hotels and accommodation. In passing, I was telling my other friend Jacob that I was going on the trip. He sort of volunteered himself to come, but I slowed him down and told him that I would talk to Nancy about it since technically her plans. Jacob and Nancy do not know each other.
Now, it’s important context to know that and Jacob just lost his dad. He’s planning on moving cross country so there’s a lot on his plate.
A few days went by and then I decided to let Jacob know that it’s best that he and I go on a separate trip together. I also mentioned I don’t think him and Nancy would really get along (in hindsight that wasn’t necessary to mention as that’s not necessarily for me to determine but I know them both very well. I am Confident they wouldn’t get along. )
The major issue was I told jacob The trip has become less of a vacation and more of me traveling around to see whether or not Asia is a place I can live in semi-permanently, I’m going for a month and will be doing a lot of running around. So he’ll have to find time to do things on his own some days. Not even Nancy and I will be attached at the hip half the time. I also said that if with all those parameters he still wanted to go, he was free to.
After I sent him this text, he text me back “i dont have any friends.” I wasn’t sure where that was coming from. I asked him what he meant by that and he referred to my previous text to him. I haven’t responded to him because I am not sure what to say.
I feel kind of awful about the delivery of the message. I figured I would be doing things in Asia, that I don’t think a grieving person on vacation would find interesting. However, he probably didn’t just wanna go on the trip to vacation but just to have company. But still, I wanted to be honest with him.
I’m definitely going to apologize for making him feel like maybe he’s been demoted or being isolated. He just lost his dad so he’s probably feeling extra vulnerable right now. But I still think he and I need to do a separate trip together.
Was I the Asshole?
ETA:
Let me clear some things up
1. I DID tell Nancy about it. She wasn’t super comfortable with it because she doesn’t know him. She seemed gracious about me asking and hasn’t made an issue of it. And I apologized for springing that on her at the last min.
2. I agree I should have shut it down at the beginning. I’ve apologized to him for my delivery.
3. I never made ANY promises! I didnt tell him yes or no. I said I would ask Nancy. It took her a few days to get back to me. We eventually talked, the parameters of the trip changed for us both, and then I responded to him.
NTA – He can’t just invite himself on a trip especially since he doesn’t even know your other friend. If I had travel plans with a friend I wouldn’t want a (for me) stranger to come along. Even if Nancy is okay with it, you don’t seem to want him on this trip. You offered going on a seperate trip even.
Idk if you are an arsehole or not, but really should have shut it down when Jacob first asked. You could have said “Let’s do a trip ourselves” without all the other words. You kinda shot yourself in the foot.
nta. he wasn’t invited. he invited himself, and when you didn’t just let that slide and change your plans completely on his say so he hit you with a guilt trip.
that’s not cool.
NTA. Maybe bring up other trip ideas you could do together? Get him thinking about a positive and not just a negative.
sorta ESH, more of YTA.
He was wrong to invite himself, but in grief people do all sorts of things that are not always right. You are a much bigger AH for saying “I need to ask Nancy” than not asking Nancy and deciding for yourself.
You used Nancy as the scapegoat and minimized your own (the only) voice saying no, stating they won’t get along and that it needs her approval.
They certainly won’t get along now.
I’d reach out. You shot him down after leading him on about the trip, then left him on delivered/read. Tbh, I wouldn’t feel you were a good friend at that point either. I’d apologize if i was in your shoes and make the effort to see him before you go, it sounds like he needs support/a friend
If its a two person trip, asking the other person is a must, not scapegoating.
Its much better to address potential issues and frictions right away instead of going on a trip and dealing with constant conflict.
OP didn’t want him to come tho. OP just don’t want to be the one who say NO
Her initial response “have to ask the other person” is totally reasonable. I’d feel blindsided too if someone just tried to invite themselves to a trip I’m planning with another friend they don’t even know.
This Jacob guy created an awkward situation and now he is blaming OP for getting rejected. He is also trying to guilt trip OP and make her feel bad. I see why she didn’t want him to come and tried to let him down easy.
NTA because you never invited him or agreed to him going in the first place. He has no entitlement to go with you and you don’t even need a reason.
If you’d already agreed and then used his grieving as a reason to change your mind, that would be different.
I think ESH. He’s an ass for inviting himself and you are for the way you told him no. You should’ve shut him down from the beginning. You wouldn’t be wrong for doing that. This was Nancy’s trip that she invited you on. It wasn’t “yours” and it sure as hell wasn’t his.
He’s a way worse AH than you though. Like someone else said, guilt tripping you because he didn’t get his way is shut behavior
YTA for throwing Nancy under the bus. If you don’t want Jacob to go, be clear and tell him. Stop making excuses for it.
YTA. Not for suggesting you two take a separate trip, and indicating he shouldn’t come on this one. But for the odd way that you allowed him to think he could just join a pre-existing plan that someone he doesn’t know initiated and carefully planned out already. He doesn’t even know Nancy or understand her choices about the trip.
Was Nancy ever even consulted about the possibility that he was coming on the trip?
YTA for not letting her know he was thinking of coming along. You made yourself so important by “deciding” that they wouldn’t get along and therefore shouldn’t come, all the while Nancy was completely unaware of this discussion.
YTA also for letting him think he could come for awhile, and then discouraging him with suppositions that he wouldn’t get along with Nancy, and also changing your “parameters” about the purpose of the trip, and the activities you would engage in while there (again, without Nancy being even aware of this discussion!).
YTA for then telling him that if he could accept the new parameters you alone put in place, he was “free to go”. You changed the terms completely. And Nancy still didn’t know!
Nancy planned the trip, and it’s just a few weeks away and this is a major trip. When were you planning to spring this on Nancy? You seem to be less than brave and direct in your dealings with friends, and it may end badly.
ESH except Nancy. You for continuing to entertain the idea of adding him to Nancy’s trip which she didn’t want him on, him for putting the Eeyore guilt trip on you.