For context – I(33F) am still living with my grandparents(70+) and my divorced mother(55). I am paying my monthly rent+groceries combo, when something breaks down I am the one to pay on the spot because I have the savings but I often argue with my mother about her grocery spendings.
Yesterday evening I booked a dinner for me and mom with the intention to go there have a nice dinner and go home (the "go home after dinner" was mentioned multiple times.) Mother (extreme extravert, likes to go out often) works from home and usually dips to shop during working hours, I (very introverted, prefer to stay at home and play computer games) work long/short weeks and like to have things announced in advance so I can mentally prepare for them (most of our arguments start because I become grumpy after unexpected or unannounced things happen, and I explained the issue to her which she obviously disregards). I like to have things planned and I like to have some time for myself at home away from people. The moment we get out of house with the car grandma calls with a request which I shut down before she could start since weren’t going shopping and we were already late for the dinner.
Everything was fine during the dinner and I assured my mom that I already explained to granny that I we weren’t there to shop so she won’t be "the bad one" but at the end of the evening my mother insisted calling her to ask what she wanted which was bakery things which are at that hour sold out where I come from. We started arguing but it was more or less good hearted. She kept insisting that we need groceries so we should stop at Lidl (dunno about other countries, but where I am, shit it sold out there by 6 o’clock) which I mentioned with a jab at her, reminding her that we just went for a big shopping trip last week and we’ve got enough groceries at home.
This became a bigger argument and long story short: the things grandma wanted were sold out, we were delayed for an hour and my mother still managed to buy something to eat despite us having enough at home + cherry on top: my mother off handedly mentions she’s going to the city tomorrow anyways again since she’s going to the cinema (draw your own conclusions why this made me annoyed even more) More spending comparisons in the comment.
So am I the asshole for wanting to go straight home and admonishing my mother for her spending?
Just an insight to the grocery spending difference between me and mom:
I buy things for myself once a month (around 30 euros) on top of what we already pay in the big trips but that’s mostly snacks for when I’m gaming and some extras that I am in the mood of buying in the heat of the moment like pomegranates or other fruit that I snack on after work.
My mom goes for small trips worth around 20 euros every 3-4 days or so (I know this because last year we received extra cash cards from my company for 300 euros which I gave to my mom for the big trips but when I checked the app where I can see the spendings I see the small amounts being ticked off every week. I know that most of the foods she buys are for her because I’m lactose intolerant and she buys a lot of milk related things which I don’t touch and veggies don’t cost 20 euros)
Bonus about the dinner: our initial deal was switching for the bill – but I paid twice in a row because first time they didn’t have the items from a special menu which we wanted because I didn’t book them so I covered the bill, the time after that I covered the bill because it was the second time we went that month and I really wanted to go and I made a deal with her so that I would cover the dinner and she would the cinema a few days after that – at the cinema she told me off so I paid for myself to not make a big deal out of it. This is the third time we went together and I intentionally asked who’s paying to which the reply was “well it’s your turn isn’t it”
I made her pay this time though.
You’re NTA for wanting to go home, as that was the stated plan, and for wanting some form of heads up before things happen.
My issue is that you comment on her spending. You pay rent, bills, and cover your portion of groceries and unless those expenses suddenly go up out of the blue, how your mother chooses to shop or spend her money really isn’t your business to be minding. Unless you subsidize her financially, stay out of that.
It’s also worth noting this seems to be a habit for her and your grandmother. Going random places, being more fluid with plans… so why do you keep making explicit plans with them that you know they’re going to try and change last minute? Arrange to meet them places, manage your own transportation, and then you can have your plans with them and go home after, even if they want to do other things.
Point taken and the maximum I plan for us is once a month at most .. That’s why I was so annoyed because the one time I make plans it gets changed. But you’re right. I will just have a dinner by myself next time
Sorry but who are you to complain about your mothers spending when you still live at your parents home even if you do pay rent you are fully aware that you have not invested enough to have a complete housing situation and dont attempt to change that cause living with extra cost is much more than just your rent and groceries. Perhaps you should tone down a bit
Okay valid point but does your opinion change when I tell you I give her money for her yearly holiday trips (around 700 euros) which she doesn’t have saved up? She writes it off from my monthly stuff but my issue with her is that she doesn’t have any savings for bad times.
And I pay for things around the house when it breaks down (new microwave, new TV, new car)
NTA but you’d be happier with your own apartment.
Tell her to take an Uber and you go home.
Damn, you sound like my twin spirit doppelganger person or something 😂
Eyyy introvert h5
You’re 33 and still engaging in these power struggles with your mom? And conducting a close accounting of … gift cards that you gave her? What’s really going on here?
It seems I’m too concerned about my mother having no savings and constantly spending then borrowing money from me for things. After reading the comments maybe I shouldn’t be so concerned about my mothers spendings so much. One point of it was “well you still live with your parents so what opinion can you have” but technically she does too and monthly expenses on housing are laughably low here so I mostly nag about grocery spendings because my mom can’t save money if you held a gun to her head. So yeah…. Maybe I really shouldn’t be concerned about that. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way it’s just that I’m maybe too concerned about money
Stop letting her borrow money if that’s the issue. I do think you need to learn how to hold your boundaries there (or create them), but you need to let the rest go. It also sounds exhausting …
Thank you for the advice 🙂