My daughter (28) wedding is tomorrow. The problem is that my wife’s dad is in the hospital. He has always been frail since he was moved into a home and it took a turn for the worse and now he is in the hospital. They don’t think he will make. My wife sister say it looks bad and she also isn’t coming up for the wedding anymore.
The original plan was for him to fly up for the wedding today ( with the help of my wife’s sister), but he was hospitalized yesterdays and he is just getting worse. My wife has been distraught and she made the decision to go fly down ( she is leaving tonight)
It was tough decision because she will miss the wedding. I told her I will FaceTime her in for the ceremony and anything else but to go be with her dad before he dies. I also now she would be miserable if she was at the wedding to begin with. ( I doubt she would be able to put on a happy face and pretend everything was okay).
We called our daughter to explain and she did not take it well. She called her mom a lot of names. My wife has been crying since. She started to span both our phones. I got into another argument with her and I told her she is being self centered and cruel about mom not being able to make it. That her father is dying and all you care about is your big day. I didn’t raise her to not have any empathy.
She told me that wasn’t fair and I told her it was. I told her to apologize to her mother.
She told me I shouldn’t come to the wedding if mom isn’t there.
My wife is very distraught and I am suppose to drive her to the airport in a few hours.
Are we in the wrong… my daughter 100% thinks we are in the wrong. My wife is distraught.
edit: I don’t get why some of you are acting like she is flying out get lunch. he is dying, she wants to see him one last time before he is dead
multiple asked- we have four kids in total, yes she is her grandfather on my wife’s side. my wife’s mom already died 7 years ago
A horrible situation all round. Your daughter’s reaction and behavior are totally unacceptable though. Does she not care than her grandfather is dying?
Definitely not the asshole.
NAH. This is an unbelievably emotionally charged situation for everyone involved. It’s a day your daughter may have been dreaming about her whole life and her mom not being there is really upsetting. I understand her reaction. Obviously your wife needs to be with her dad in his final moments. It’s a terrible situation, I’m very sorry for you and your family.
Everyone is upset but it’s justifiable. Your wife is doing the right thing. You should go to the wedding. Your daughter is understandably upset but she’ll eventually understand once the shock and stress have worn off.
NTA
This is a difficult situation all around.
I recommend you go to your daughter’s wedding. Your wife has her sister to comfort her if their Dad passes during the wedding day. You can join your wife after the wedding.
If your daughter turns you away from her wedding, or chooses to not have you give her away, that is her choice. But, as a parent, it’s important that you show up.
The only NTA that makes sense tbh
I recommend mom do whatever she wants to do
If she want to see her dad one last item before he is dead then do that
If she wants to go to wedding then do that
This is mom’s decision
People need to stop trying to guilt her for wanting to see her dad alive one last time
I would personally would want my parent to say goodbye to their parent and wouldn’t give a flying fuck if they missed my wedding because their parent died
I agree. That’s why I said NTA. The daughter is an asshole for calling her mother names. It’s understandable that everyone is stressed out, but that’s no reason to be nasty.
I do think the OP should go to the wedding, even if his daughter is currently saying he isn’t invited, because his daughter could literally change her mind right before the wedding. If he chooses not to attend, his daughter will remember it as being abandoned. If he attends and she asks him to leave, then it was his daughter’s choice.
Your daughter is being cruel by calling names, but I imagine there’s nothing she can do about the wedding at this point. Guests are arriving, and the venue and food have been paid for (no backing out of that now without losing everything).
While she should have more empathy for her mother, from her perspective, her MOM is suddenly missing her wedding. That’s a big deal to many children.
There’s really no winning here – of course, it’s terrible your wife is losing her father, and now she’s also missing her daughter’s wedding. What a horrible situation. With so many emotions running rampant in a tight window, I have to say NAH.
I think this is a bit NAH.
You got two massive life changing events competing with each other and its totally emotionally charged. And unfortunately, I do think no one is in the position to come out with a happy solution.
Most adult children who have a healthy, happy relationship with their parents imagine them being there for their wedding. And I’d argue that this can be especially true for mothers and daughters. For you to chalk it up to her being self centred about an event that *is* about her and one she has been looking forward to for a long time doesn’t acknowledge the hurt your daughter must be feeling about this. Even if she is being irrational and mean with the name calling.
Your wife is stuck between a rock and a hard place in supporting her daughter in a big life moment and her father passing away. And she probably would have been feeling that way even if your daughter had handled this perfectly. There will potentially be even more fall out if your FIL doesn’t pass away in the short term because it will fuel your daughter’s feelings that her mother should have found a way to be there.
If your FIL’s care team thinks he will make it another few days, then I would have your wife fly out immediately after the ceremony rather than going tonight.
Edit to add: you also have mentioned in a comment that your FIL does have a good relationship with your daughter, so you also have to consider that this is a hard situation for her as well. She, like your wife, is having one of the best and worst moments of her life concurrently.
Just be prepared to have, at most, a limited and strained relationship with your daughter once this all blows over, if any at all.
As for a judgment, I have no idea. Your daughter has every right to be upset that your wife won’t make it to her big day. Your wife is upset because her father is dying. You seem to be prioritizing your wife’s feelings over your daughter’s, which it is what it is there. I will say, out of everyone involved, arguably you are composing yourself the worst, simply because both your wife and daughter have a right to be upset and you’ve just resulted to insulting your daughter.
I think I am gonna go a very tentative NAH simply because emotions are high. Just know, you and your wife risk losing both your FIL and your Daughter all at once.
Look, not to be crude, but your daughter can literally get married more than once. Your dad literally dies once.
And after the wedding, you can make it up to your daughter, assuming she’s not a spiteful, resentful, entitled, and un empathetic little shit.
After your dad dies, that’s it.
I disagree with you entirely. The daughter is 28 years old. Time for her to realize she isn’t actually the center of the world just because she’s getting married. She’s just a woman in a nice dress, and as a woman, I’m here to say a lot of us have nice dresses.
Yeah some of these comments are crazy to me. Her daughter was cruel and rude, he should care more about his wife’s feelings. Like she’s losing her father. She’s also devastated to miss her daughter getting married, and instead of her daughter being sad and even expressing it sucks but she understands (even if she’s angrier on the inside of to her husband as to not put more on her mother) she’s outright cruel and degrading. Her wedding is important but does not supersede death. If she can’t understand that at 28, then she had a very sheltered life.
I would clarify for your daughter that she is right, that it isn’t fair. It’s not fair for her whose mom is going to miss her wedding, and that sucks. It’s not fair to grandpa, it’s not like he chose this moment to be dying, and that sucks. It’s not fair to your wife who was so happy and excited to see her daughter get married but now instead of that happiness she plans to be grieving her father, and that sucks.
It is unfair, but that doesn’t mean anybody is at fault. Sometimes the universe is just unfair.
Yup, this just blows all around. No one wants to miss their child’s wedding, especially not to be there when their parent is dying but you kind of have to be. This is just a shit sandwich and everyone has to take a bite. I’d say NAH here because everyone is perfectly valid to feel how they feel and be where they are. Sometimes life just sucks that way.
The daughter does suck for calling her mom names and being rude about it though. I would be devastated in this situation, but I can’t imagine calling my mom names over it and telling my dad he shouldn’t bother to show up without her.
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