\*\*Sorry, this post might be abit over the place\*\*
My (27f) sibling (30m) is having a medical operation and family thinks I should’ve escorted him to the hospital and back home but I think it’s extremely unfair that they would ask me that considering how they’ve treated me in the past. The family (excluding sibling in question) and I have just had an argument about it and thinks I’m selfish for refusing to escort him. If it were a couple years ago I would’ve been happy to help but now I think it’s ridiculous to ask me after finally coming to my senses and seeing the family dynamics objectively.
Firstly, when I was in nursing school (20yrs) I used to work full time unpaid placement across the city and come home late at night at around 11pm – 12am on average. I used to often ask the family including the sibling to pick me up from a local train station because it was late at night, but they irritatedly ask why I “couldn’t just make way by myself” and things of the sort. So I just stopped asking. In the last 3ish yrs, I’ve wanted to leave which was discouraged by family because they wanted me to ‘save up’. There came a point where we had a full blown screaming match (I actually retaliated). I stayed in a hotel temporarily, and the sibling in operation told me was living with his gf atp and told me I had to find a temporary accommodation? The fact he told me that instead of offering me a place to stay has always been at the back of my mind since and has made me think he and the rest of the family genuinely dgaf about me. Now that he’s in operation (not a major one btw) and they expect me to escort him and call me selfish that Im not willing to, is really bothering me. He’s already flown out the country for a cosmetic procedure by himself. For context I’ve already moved out the first week this year, but I’m staying at the family house until my online orders have come through so I can officially leave at once. He also lives by himself now. AITAH?
EDIT:
\*\* I understand they’re entitled to their boundaries & don’t need to help me.
The main issue I have is the family expecting me to help or have no problem accepting my help despite them not reciprocating.
I’m asking to see if I may have blind spots in this situation because I feel it’s disrespectful and they’re adamant I’m selfish
NTA your family can be his taxi service for the day.
Just like OP expected them to be for her on a regular basis after midnight? Do you think the brother is “entitled” because he expected a small favor of support, like OP expected him to house her “temporarily”?
They didn’t provide any of those favours and made it clear favours weren’t going to be available. It’s perfectly fine to match levels of effort.
This is the effort that they think is appropriate.
Plus, the brother in question was already staying with someone else, it’s not like he had his own house.
ESH
You’re holding it against them that 1) they didn’t get up and go out at midnight to pick you up (you said you asked them to do this ‘often’, meaning it was a recurring thing that you *knew* was going to happen, yet instead of being an adult and figuring it out, your solution was to call and ask them to come get you); and 2) your brother didn’t offer to let you stay with him when you moved out (he’s not obligated to take you in, you got yourself into the situation and he was well within his rights to tell you that you needed to find something).
You’re not obligated to go with your brother for his procedure, but they also weren’t obligated to be your midnight ride home or to take you in when you leave home without a plan.
ESH.
>2) your brother didn’t offer to let you stay with him when you moved out (he’s not obligated to take you in, you got yourself into the situation and he was well within his rights to tell you that you needed to find something).
Plus, the brother was staying with someone else. It’s not like he had his own independent housing that he had full control over and could allow OP to stay in, especially indefinitely.
NTA – keep running and never look back.
YTA. Your schooling was an ongoing thing, I’m sure your family had to get up in the morning for work. You weren’t asking for ‘once’.
NTA.
It’s always amazing to me how family can decide that someone needs to do a thing for a family member, but it’s never THEM. If your parents or whoever thinks your brother needs to be escorted to the procedure, then they can do it themselves.
You’ve made it clear where you stand on favours. Now get on with establishing yourself into the independent person that you should be. If you’ve become a nurse, you should by now be heavily into building a career for financial independence. Your brother has options. He has friends. Heck ..he has parents. And if that’s not possible, there are services you pay that will pick you up and remain with you for the procedure and take you home afterwards. Move your attention back to yourself and your career.
This was something you *couldn’t*do or *wouldn’t* do? Seems petty that you were punishing him for something that you blame your whole family for. So by not doing it, you’ve proved that you’re just like them. Hell, I gave my *neighbor*a ride from her surgery. But go ahead and nurse that resentment.
YTA?
You acknowledge that your brother isn’t really part of the problem, just your parents. Yet you’re punishing him because you’re mad at them?
YTA. So you’re mad because your family wouldn’t get out of bed and come get you at midnight? And your brother, who was living in his girlfriend’s place wouldn’t let you stay with them when you flounced out of your parents’ house? You are the one who sounds entitled. Everyone is so quick to say the family is in the wrong, but the family is acting normal.
INFO:
> The main issue I have is the family expecting me to help or have no problem accepting my help despite them not reciprocating.
> I’m asking to see if I may have blind spots in this situation because I feel it’s disrespectful and they’re adamant I’m selfish
What help have they been asking you for? Other than this one time to help your brother?
*Everything* you’ve listed is *you* constantly asking *them* for *massive, long-term* favors with no end date. Picking you up constantly from the train station at 11 pm or midnight. Housing you in a house that isn’t even your brother’s, for an indefinite period of time.
You’re even casting them telling you to keep living with them to save up money, instead of moving out, as being a bad thing.
Absolutely none of this is help they have asked you for. And the favors you asked of them are not comparable to them asking you the favor of taking your brother to and from surgery on a single occasion.
So yes, I’m seeing some pretty major blind spots on your part based on what you’ve said. None of wat you’ve listed has been disrespectful of them.