I earn a good amount of money so my husband has been bringing up our small children for the past couple of years. The smallest is now in school and so he decided to start working, he took a cleaning job which is 3 hours a day. It pays well and has been really good for his mental health.
We are talking about extending our mortgage to buy a bigger place and he is against it because I would be a bit stretched to cover it and all the rest of our bills and expenditure without £500 from him. We share all of our money so his wage goes into the pot same as mine but he doesn’t want me to relay on him working to make ends meet and thinks we should stick where we are instead.
I told him any small job would pay £500 a month so he could literally take anything. At current minimum wage he would need to work only 10 hours a week so I couldn’t understand why he was flagging it as risky.
He told me he is not going to take a job he hates for a bigger house and I explained I wasn’t asking him too but also explained that a lot of people don’t get that luxury and most people work at whatever pays to pay their bills.
He said that his life was such that no one would want to swap with him. I explained that many people would indeed want to only work 10-16 hours a week as well as being responsible for out of school hours childcare and still having a good standard of living. For many that is a pipe dream and he is acting spoiled to think otherwise.
Edit: just to be clear. There is no need for any additional working hours or additional funds to what is already coming in. My husband just doesn’t want what he currently brings in to be factored into the mortgage payments.
Info: I do travel for work. I think most jobs where you can live on one wage require some travel. I didn’t include it as it didn’t seem relevant to me due to not asking him to do anymore than he is doing currently and possibly even less.
NTA. Very reasonable ask imo, and any extra money can go into savings and the like. And yes, many people do work jobs they hate because well, that’s life.
He’s not willing to work ten hours per week when all the kids are now in school? That seems like a very reasonable ask.
>The smallest is now in school and so he decided to start working, he took a cleaning job which is 3 hours a day. It pays well and has been really good for his mental health.
He does has a job though.
This is about him being worried about how they would pay the mortgage if he ever lost his job.
INFO: Is the bigger house a *want* or a *need*?
I can understand why he may be hesitant if there is enough space as is and no more children are on the table. Mortgage rates are still pretty bad, and moving often means changing kids to a new school, with new commutes, and new neighbors (who can come with their own issues). Moving itself is a massive task for adults, adding small kids into the mix makes it much more work.
If you guys need the space, then you might have a point (insults against one’s spouse are rarely productive though). If you don’t, it’s a lot of work and stress for what he sees as very low payoff.
It’s a need but he wants to extend instead (which would be slightly cheaper). There would not be a need to change school, commute or even neighbourhood. The house we are considering is across the street
I don’t understand why this is even an issue now that the kids are at school. What is he doing with his free time while they are in school and you are working? A part time job, in literally any field of his choice doesn’t seem like a big ask at all, and the social connection with other adults would probably be really healthy for him.
Why do you need a bigger house?
YTA. It doesn’t sound like he’s resisting working or contributing to finances. It sounds like he doesn’t want to move into a more expensive place.
Right now, his job is ‘extra’ money for the family. If you move, things become tighter and he HAS to work. It’s understandable that he would be uncomfortable with the instability.
Not only that, but it will become more of a challenge during the summers, when the kids are off school.
I also think it’s highly unfair to call him ‘spoiled’ when he was the primary caretaker for multiple children until they were ready for school. That’s not an easy job.
NTA – I get people saying YTA for the possibility of the unnecessarily stretching beyond your means and the concept your husband might be more minimalist in some sense or that his priorities are not work/hate life for material things
But
I am assuming your kids might be, 5? 6? … how old are y’all? what about your forever future? What about retirement and college and older kids expenses… it is NOT realistic for any adult with kids in school/growing up to just ‘never work a real job’ for the rest of their life and put everything on their spouse WHEN it is clear the 1 income may not be able to support EVERYTHING AND THEN SOME for the family/family future needs (including rising expenses of kids as they grow, costs rise and retirement/savings, plus a little extra for fun…and to enjoy life a tad)
( never bashing stay at home parents, but if in school for 7-8h a day… it is reasonable for that parent to work even lightly part time, but consistently)
YTA you can’t afford a bigger house *right now*.
Give your family a year to save, to adjust to having all the kids in school. Give you spouse an opportunity to find something part time and meaningful, as opposed to afraid not finding enough gig work will cost the their home.
Moving isn’t just the change in mortgage. Physically moving costs money, plus you get new furnishings, need to paint, pay for inspections, etc. If $500 a month stresses you out, it would seem financially unwise.
“Many people would indeed want to work only 10-16 hours a week as well as being responsible for out of school hours childcare…”
What time do you get home and do you take on childcare tasks when you get home? Or is your husband expected to permanently both have a day job while the kids are at school and also handle all childcare until they go to bed?
INFO: Is there a need of a bigger place? Are you all sleeping in the same bedroom? Are your kids stacked in bunks in the same room?
Now is a horrible time to buy/move to a new mortgage unless I’m missing something. It might be better to stay where you are and build up your savings/financial situation as much as possible for now. You don’t elaborate on *why* you want a bigger space so I have to assume this is lifestyle inflation and I urge extreme caution.
Everyone saying he’s a “bum” or “refusing to work” I think is missing his point of the debate entirely. He already has a full-time job raising your kids and maintaining your home. He is currently working because he enjoys it and both of you reap the benefits. It is probably the type of job where if a kid is sick he can take time off easily; most homemakers are forced to have a job like that. Forcing a situation where you *need* that income is a totally different scenario and is definitely living above your current means. The fact you guys can handle life on one income is incredible; why are you so keen to change that?
If he does jump back into the workforce full-time, either because your financial situation changes or because he wants to, the situation is different. But if your financial situation is secure as-is and your house is fine, then why are you in a hurry to be massively in debt and living at the limit of your means?
NTA – “but he doesn’t want me to relay on him working to make ends meet and thinks we should stick where we are instead”
That tells me that he wants to reserve the right to quit his job at any time. And go back to being full-time unemployed. A luxury that you don’t have, because you’re the sole breadwinner. It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that he could work part-time to contribute to the finances now that the kids are in school.
And you’re right, most families need two breadwinners in order to make ends meet. So your whole family is fortunate that you can afford to have a stay-at-home parent. But if you want him to take some of the pressure off of you, even if you don’t increase the size of your home, I think that’s a reasonable ask.
As long as you’re willing to adjust how the chores are done at home.