When I (25M) was 9 I played one season of peewee soccer with my mom as the coach. Through the team, I met this kid Blake who was my age. My parents became fast friends with Blake’s parents, and my mom especially has been close with this family ever since.
I stopped playing soccer after that season, and my mom quit coaching, but she remained present in Blake and his sister Becca’s lives. She always showed up to their big games and sport competitions, and has been publicly recognized by both of them as a mentor through sports and church events. Blake and Becca are both in their 20s now, and she remains in contact with them every now and then. For years, they’ve basically been a niece and nephew to her.
Mom always kind of wanted me to be friends with Blake, and we hung out a small number of times as kids, but it was clear from the start that we didn’t really vibe. He’s a good guy, and I don’t hate him, but we’ve always just been very different people. Blake stuck with soccer all through high school and is very much a sports guy/gym bro. I’ve always been more into camping, climbing, and backpacking- activities that Blake has told my mom that he doesn’t see the appeal in.
As a teenager, Blake told my mom that he thought I was weird. My mom just said “so what?” (I know about this exchange because she told me.) I get that she was sticking up for me, but it made me feel kind of… hurt? that my mom basically agreed with him. I don’t know what I did around him that was weird, other than just being different from him.
Anyway, my mom told me yesterday that Blake is getting married and the whole family is invited. I told her great, give him my congratulations. She reiterated that I was invited, and I told her I’d just sit this one out. I really had no desire to go because Blake and I are not friends. Mom said “you’ve known him since you were kids” and I told her that really, I don’t know him very well, and he doesn’t know me all that well either, and I really just don’t care much about him. I said it’s great that she and Blake are friends, and he’s a good guy, but I had no desire to go to his wedding.
My mom looked kind of hurt, as though what I said was cruel. She gently said “ok, your choice,” and that was that. But I can’t help but feel that I hurt her by saying I dont care about Blake. Since then, if the wedding comes up in conversation, she acts kind of sheepish, as though talking about it would offend me.
No, Blake is not “the son she wished she had.” My mom is the best mom in the world to me and we get along great. No, I am not jealous of their friendship- I think it’s awesome that they are friends, and that he looks up to her. I don’t have Blake’s phone number, I’ve never even MET his fiancée- I just don’t feel the need to go to this wedding. But I also feel like I was too harsh to my mom and that maybe I was a jerk for the way I worded it.
So, am I the asshole?
NTA
The connection is your mom’s, not yours. If she is offended or feels hurt that you aren’t going, that is on her. You weren’t rude, unless you said something more than what you posted. You can send a card, maybe add a few dollars to your mom’s gift if you want, but you are in no way obligated to, and you certainly don’t have to go.
NTA. I can’t see any reason why anybody would think you have an obligation to go to this persons wedding. I also can’t imagine Blake would care very much if you didn’t come.
NAH. Your were direct with your mom. She apparently thought he meant more to you, but you set her straight. He probably invited the whole family because he felt obligated and from the sound of it he likely won’t be disappointed by you not coming.
NTA – you’ve a perfect right not to go. It’s a bit late, but I’d have made up an excuse rather than just flat out say no, though.
One thing, though, if you’re mum wants you to go is there any reason you don’t, just to please her? It’s only a day out of your life and free food!
I agree on the NTA part, but I disagree with the rest of it.
No is a full answer, and OP is fully entitled to not going because he doesn’t want to go. He isn’t close with the guy, and that’s more than valid enough. He shouldn’t have to come up with an excuse or do it to please his mom. He’s an adult, so he can make his own decisions. Plus, going to weddings where you don’t know anyone sounds like hell.
At best, he can simply say to Blake “Unfortunately I won’t be attending, but I wish you and your fiancée the best”. But even that seems like a lot if they aren’t in contact at all, and Blake sees him as “weird”.
Blake absolutely invited OP causes he’s the family of a “family friend” i.e. his Mom made him. He’s not gonna give a rats butt and honestly will probably prefer to not pay for the food and be able to invite someone on his B tier
Nta and he probably doesnt want you to go anyways. Every guest is expensive in weddings. I find it weird your mom is so close to them. Did their own mom die?
No, she’s alive and well. Their mom and mine are friends. My mom and Blake have a lot of common interests (soccer being a big one)
I think you’re worrying too much. Everyone will be fine
NTA you guys aren’t friends and there’s no reason to go
NTA. She likely thinks of you as being closer than you are because she cares about him so much, and also is really excited about his wedding so it didn’t occur to her that it might not be fun for you or worth your time. Your reasons for not going are totally valid, and direct communication is more kind than beating around the bush, even if it surprised her.
NAH. Your mom said “ok your choice” as a mom should in this scenario, and if she feels hurt or sad because you weren’t closer to Blake, that’s perfectly valid if that’s how she feels, but she has to get over it, you have to live your life how you see fit like your mom said.
NTA but I think you misunderstood what “who cares” means and took it way too seriously and let it hurt you. I think she meant it like “what the fuck about it?” is used today, as in “why the fuck are saying this to me and I think it’s bullshit”. People usually say “who cares” to really mean “I don’t care and don’t give a shit what you think?”, rather than “I agree but it’s OK with me.”
Going NAH. Your mom has a connection to Blake and Becca which is cool for her. You’re neutral on the guy which is also cool. Good chance he’s only inviting you as a favor to your mom which also means that if you happen to have plans out of town his wedding date it really won’t be seen as a big deal by him.