So my (33M) boyfriend (32M) are making a move to a cheaper state (my home state) from a big city. We have lived together for a few years.
He’s concerned about a likely pay cut and mine shouldn’t be so bad. We’ve talked about me potentially paying more if necessary.
Today we were chatting and randomly he says, “are you still willing to pay more than 50%?” I said “yes, if that makes sense.”
He got really upset at me for saying if it makes sense… all I was trying to say is that we need to look at the numbers once they’re final before we decide how anything is allocated. Likely I will be but I’m not just going to say yes before we know what we’re up against. I certainly didn’t say no.
Anyway, this became a big fight where I was called unsupportive and he wanted me to say yes even if it didnt end up happening even though I had only good intentions with what I said?
So, AITAH?
NTA. Pretty innocuous statement. Of course you’re gonna want to know how much each of you are making and what your expenses are first.
NTA saying “if it makes sense” is just being financially responsible not unsupportive you already agreed in principle and just want to see the actual numbers first his reaction sounds more like anxiety about the move and pay cut than anything you did wrong
NTA
NTA
Ever heard the saying “Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it?”
You’re smart af to not lock yourself in about paying more when neither of you know what your average paychecks will be.
This is something I think you should pay serious attention to. It’s important for your relationship. If this is how he acts, trying to guilt you into agreeing to something without proof, then what does your future hold?
NTA.
Maybe you should have said, “If you have to take a pay cut, then yes.” Your wording was vague even in the post. It comes off sounding like you’d prefer to weasel out of it.
NTA
Weird thing to fixate on.
I would have taken it to mean you were optimistic about his pay cut not being as bad as you think and/or worried yours might be worse.
And the expression itself simply means, “We will assess when we have all of the information.”
Seems he is really worried about this move, that it was his fear driving his reaction. The move sounds like a big deal. Maybe instead of discussing this exchange, ask about how he’s feeling about the move as a whole.
NTA- I think this was a hypothetical and it seems you don’t have the actual salaries and your fixed costs yet. You answered it as a hypothetical- if he makes significantly less then you will cover more of the expenses.
He is probably worried about having to change his spending or lifestyle if you don’t think it makes sense… maybe reassure him that you are a team and you want to work out the budget and financial decisions together when you find out more details?
He doesn’t seem necessarily like an asshole, but he could be if he doesn’t learn to communicate his fears and what he needs to feel secure in your financial future.
I will also be real if I’m changing states and living with someone and going through a massive life change, including salary and my SO answered like OP, I’d be rethinking.
If you won’t cover me unreservedly knowing my potential to earn less – not a move I want to make.
This doesn’t mean I don’t pull my weight but the financial dynamic has shifted and if you don’t make me feel confident – not happening.
NTA but this seems like he’s maybe a lot more anxious about the move and pay cut than he’s letting on. There’s a lot of potential anxieties that pop up with things like that. Making sure you’re OK paying a higher percent of the bills underlies other financial insecurity and anxiety.
My husband and I live in a cheap state. We’ve discussed moving somewhere bigger, and thus more expensive, because, even though our bills would go up, our salaries would increase quite a bit too. Even if we had no more spending money, the larger salary overall would mean more going into social security, retirement accounts based on % of income and matching, etc. Long term, bigger number is better, even if it means less fun stuff to some extent. The inverse is also true of moving to cheaper areas.
That’s what I’d be thinking in his position, at least.
NAH. The two of you need to have a very frank discussion. Reading between the lines, it seems that the move is more your idea and that he is having second thoughts. You both need to be clear about expectations and contingencies before you make the move. Log off and talk to your boyfriend.
OP, You gave a perfectly reasonable answer. You are not an AH.
Even though your bf’s reaction comes across as pretty AHolish, I think it’s worth considering if it’s coming from poorly expressed concerns (versus trying to extract a commitment from you regardless of what would be appropriate).
1. Bf may feel he is making a bigger sacrifice and feel he is entitled to some concessions from you in exchange. If so, he needs to be honest about that so you two can discuss. You aren’t required to agree with him about his perspective. But you both need to (1) be honest about your position, (2) try to understand the other person’s position and (3) try to resolve any differences in a mutually respectful and fair manner.
2. Just as you don’t want to commit to some that may not be necessary, I can understand your bf not wanting to commit to a financial sacrifice without having some assurance from you that it won’t all fall on his shoulders. Something more specific than “if it makes sense”.
3. I suggest you discuss with him what you can commit to right now. For example, that you are willing to commit to using a formula to calculate how expenses will be allocated. The most basic one is expenses are allocated in proportion to each one’s share of your combined expenses incomes. If he earns 30% of your combined incomes, then he pays 30% of your shared expenses.
It can get more complex… e.g., defining what is considered a personal expense, a person who wants to spend beyond the budget limit of the other also being fully responsible for the upcharge of that person’s preference. (Taking a larger or nicer or more central apartment, wanting to dine or travel in more luxury…)
I think your bf could express his concerns better and you could recognize the risk he is taking and address it better. I have no idea if this is just an honest difference in where you are each coming from or if one or both of you are being selfish. I’m going to give you both the benefit of the doubt and say NAH.
> All I was trying to say is that we need to look at the numbers once they’re final before we decide how anything is allocated
You didn’t say that though, you said yes and no without giving any context as to what variables would decide. Answering “Yes, if that makes sense” brings him no closer to understanding your mindset. At least if you’d “yes as long as the numbers line up” he’d understand what you were still waiting on.
Hard to say whether he’s an asshole or not given basically zero information here so I’m going with ESH. You both need to learn to communicate better and resolve disagreements more peacefully.
This might be a miscommunication due to ambiguity? You’re saying if the numbers make sense you are willing to still pay more than 50%, but maybe he’s interpreting it differently. Maybe the uncertainty is making him more anxious than he realizes. He might be trying to ease his anxiety by finding at least some things that are certain, but felt like the rug was ripped from under him when he found more uncertainty.
When you’ve both had a moment to breathe, calmly ask what he was feeling when he blew up. That will help you both figure out how to help each other through this.
NAH