I (33F) have a close friend, Sammy (33F), who has had a horrific year medically. She recently had major spinal surgery, then became seriously unwell with sepsis. I was heavily involved during this time. Sitting in hospitals, advocating for her, staying with her because she was terrified. Over a 56-hour period, I slept one hour total. I also have six children at home who still needed care. I ignored my own health issues because I believed she needed me.
After surgery, Sammy’s mental state changed. She became distressed, impulsive, and emotionally volatile. Despite being very unwell, she self-discharged from hospital against medical advice, refused pain medication and follow-up care, and went home alone. She made it clear she didn’t want anyone involved. At the same time, her messages showed she was spiralling and not coping.
Then she stopped responding.
Calls went unanswered. Texts were minimal or nonexistent. She refused to let anyone come to her house. I had no way of knowing if she was conscious, deteriorating, or even alive. I was utterly exhausted, trying to parent six kids, and terrified she was going to die alone.
Before escalating, I tried everything. I called, texted, begged her to let someone check on her, tried reasoning calmly, backed off and tried again. Nothing worked. I reached a point where I genuinely feared for her life.
Out of panic and concern, I called for welfare checks.
This wasn’t about control or punishment. It was because she was recently septic, unreachable, isolated, refusing care, and at real risk. From my perspective, someone needed to physically see her to confirm she was safe.
When she found out the police had been contacted, she exploded. She accused me of betraying her, violating her boundaries, making it about me, and being selfish. She insists she has capacity and that I should have respected her wishes even if that meant being alone and refusing help while seriously ill.
She now views me as the villain. The sepsis, lack of contact, my exhaustion, and the fact I was caring for six children don’t seem to matter. I’m left feeling guilty, drained, and questioning myself.
So, AITA for calling welfare checks when my friend explicitly didn’t want anyone involved, even though I genuinely believed she was at serious risk?
NTA – Sometimes we have to do the right thing to keep someone safe, even though it may damage that relationship. It sounds like she was/is in genuine danger and you had every reason to be concerned. I’m sorry that she can’t see that right now.
I can see how much you value your friendship with this person and that you are doing your absolute best to help her. One question, after she refused all of your texts and calls, did you drive to her house and bang on her door? That’s the only thing I can think of that I’d do differently before calling for a welfare check.
Your friend is sick and mentally unwell but she’ll come around and when she does she’ll realize how good a friend you were to her when she needed you most.
We tried but she had left the key in the lock locked up on the other side so we couldn’t get in with our key 😢 bit she’s not speaking to me at all
NTA. I dislike calling the police to check on anyone, particularly someone acting erratically. But it sounds like you were out of options and acting from a place of real fear for your friend’s life. I think you handled a bad situation the best you could.
NTA. You were the best, truest friend she could’ve asked for. Often friends back off when things get tough, a true friend gets involved, advocates and takes decisive action when necessary, even if it’s against their friend’s initial wishes. This is what you did. You were beyond your capacity and knew this so called for help, you did exactly what you should have done and were very courageous in doing so. Well done for being so brave, knowing when to ask for help and doing it.
When someone’s in crisis, they don’t always see or perceive situations clearly. Give her time. Continue being there for her, continue showing up whenever you can; and continue calling for help when you’re worried. She’ll thank you when she’s better.
I wish there were more people around like you; don’t ever change!
NTA. But don’t sacrifice yourself for someone else.
NTA a woman I know just became a widow in 2 days as her husband died of sepsis. I understand her annoyance but you did what you thought was right.
NTA….You acted to save the life of a friend who was medically compromised and unreachable, it is always better to have a friend who is alive and angry than one who died because you stayed silent. Please prioritize your own recovery and your six children now you have done more than enough.
NTA – You care about your friend and did the best you could to protect her even with everything you have going on with your own life. Anyone would be lucky with you having their back. As difficult as I’m sure it was, you did the right thing.
Info Why are you focused on this person more than you are in your own kids?
They seem to be an afterthought They should be your first thought. Let her go. She doesn’t want your help but your kids need it
NTA for calling for a welfare check. But now focus on your own family
You did the right thing, but now it’s time to leave that behind and concentrate on your own family.
She’s made it clear that she no longer wants any kind of relationship with you.
Remember this if/when she tries to restart/rekindle the relationship.
NTA.
NTA for doing it. However, now that she’s made it clear that she thinks you did the wrong thing, leave her to her slow-motion suicide. Alert her family if you can, but that should be the extent of it.
Take care of yourself and your kids and move on.
This is what welfare checks are for. You were being a good friend to someone who may or may not have deserved it, but you did nothing wrong.
NTA
The phrase don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm comes to mind. Maybe your friend was having a mental health episode following her traumatic hospital visit but refusing visits after self discharging and refusing to respond to you after you spent so much time and energy caring for her warranted a welfare check. Put her out of your mind for now, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. Put yourself and your family ahead of her from now on. In your 30s you are well aware when you are acting selfishly,your from knows the stress she out you under and how looking after her impacted your family life. I’m sure she will bein contact again when she has a crisis, might be worth blocking her number so she can’t draw you in again.