I’m(24F) living with my bf(25M) in a rented shared home with my BF’s granny(80F) & my BF’s dad(50M) which is also granny’s son (Im going to call him BFD)
We all pay rent equally & we moved in at the same time. My name is on the lease.
I came from a violently/emotionally abusive home, I left to live with my bf & was welcomed into my bf’s home under the guise of “we are a family, you can talk to us when something is upsetting you”. At first things were good.
One day I noticed that BFD was leaving butt stamps on the bathroom seat; so I asked BF to talk to BFD about it; just wipe the toilet seat when you’re done? Well I guess that was the start of BFD’s resentment because after that he started saying “I don’t like the way she looks at me” to BF. Whenever I have had an issue with the bathroom I would just text him but I guess that came off as demeaning so I knocked that off too. I took to putting up signs for granny for a separate issue (her memory is bad) & he assumed they were for him..so those got taken down and BF got an earful about how much BFD doesn’t like that I’m “treating him like a child”
BFD has never made an attempt to sit down with me and talk about what I’m doing that bothers him. The reason I send my BF is because I’m used to a home of screaming matches. I’m scared & I don’t want that anymore.
There have been times when I’m so extremely frustrated that my boundaries are being crossed that I’ll slam a door or come down to my room to vent to my bf &when I vent I get pretty loud. Bf told me that BFD is assuming I’m yelling at BF to do something about it & he “doesn’t like the way I’m treating BF”
The boundaries I’m talking about? I asked him to wipe the counters in the kitchen when he’s done, wash his dishes himself,& wipe off the butt stamp. Never all at the same time & never face to face.
I have 2 dogs & I try really hard to not yell when I’m around them because they are sensitive to stress, in the past there have been times when they were in the room. I guess BFD is assuming I’m yelling at them too; he’ll say “I don’t like how she slams doors around them” to BF
Through bf talking to BFD (BFD won’t get therapy and uses his own son like a therapist & is aware) I’ve learned that BFD can hear me whenever I’m speaking normally in my own room to BF & will eavesdrop on us. Usually I’ll vent about how I’m frustrated at BFD & I’ll call him a man child. BFD talked to BF about how the dogs would cower and flinch when he tried to play with them..and he blamed me for it. Then he expressed “I don’t want her here anymore”
Lately BFD will come home angry, slamming doors, stomping. Whenever I come out of my room BFD will literally drop whatever he is doing to RUN to his bedroom & slam the door. He also started asking bf to get him things whenever I’m using the common spaces..he’ll also ask my bf to let him know when I’m no longer in the room.
Am I the asshole for all of this? I know I want to move, it just takes time to save the money.
YTA. You are not nice to these people and expect them to be nice to you regardless of your behavior.
YTA
If you are waiting for BFD to make the first move to talking about the situation and he is not doing that, then it’s on you to try talking to him. For one thing, you’re an adult and don’t need to go through your BF for every issue that comes up. Talk to BFD like an adult and try to smooth things over. You have come across to him as someone that is critical and cannot handle your own problems.
Understand that you have had issues in the past but you know you’re out of that situation now. Grow up and act like an adult.
ESH you can’t be upset that bfd doesn’t speak to you directly when you don’t speak to him directly. And bfd should not eavesdrop on you but him venting about you to bf is no different than you venting about him to bf.
And while I agree that the issues you requested from bfd are small things, that also means they’re too small to be this upset about that you’re venting to bf and slamming doors! They are also NOT boundaries that you’re setting. Saying that you will only clean your own dishes is a boundary, asking someone else to clean their dishes is not a boundary.
NTA….Your requests for basic hygiene are reasonable, but using your BF as a middleman and venting loudly has created a toxic cycle of passive aggression. Focus on Grey Rocking (being emotionally neutral) and keep your venting private to avoid giving him ammunition while you finalize your move.
Tysm! This comment was extremely helpful and I’m going to begin immediately! I realize that I don’t want to use my bf as a therapist either..that’s not his job and it’s not fair
ESH
1. u made valid requests but you did it through text. u say BFD never sat down with u and talked about what bothers him, but have u tried doing the same?? also why are u yelling and slamming doors, and then complain about BFD stomping and slamming his door??
2. BFD is immature for the lack of communication on his end and his petty reactions to valid requests, i assume its sexism or bc youre young or maybe both
3. tbh ur BF should be mediating this but he just lets yall vent at him without doing anything useful
YTA. What the hell is a butt stamp?
Can you elaborate on why? :/ also a butt stamp is a ring of dead skin and dirt left on the toilet seat..it happens when people don’t wash correctly. Sometimes if it’s there long enough it dries onto the seat..it’s a very unpleasant thing to scrub off
YTA.
when you live with people you use your words and talk to them. you don’t use a proxy, then loudly badmouth the person you should have been talking to behind their back.
You slam doors when your pissed instead of talking. no wonder your dogs cower.
it seems you took all that passive aggressive abusive behavior, internalized it and use it as your main strategy of communication – putting up signs, delivery messages through your BF, and being a general asshole. now dude runs whenever you come into the house because you’ve created a toxic atmosphere.
The dogs do not cower around me, I couldn’t mention it in the post but BFD is the only person in this house that has experienced the dogs cowering around him.
I have neither raised my voice or slammed a door in about a month or two simply because I know he is around. BFD’s slamming of doors and avoiding me has just recently started
YTA you’re an adult act like it instead of loudly bad mouthing people where they can hear you
So:
* You’re only communicating through texts and/or asking your bf to communicate for you.
* You’ve been screaming in the house, and you’re surprised that they don’t react well.
* With only four people in the house, you put signs in the bathroom instead of talking to people.
* You’ll call BFD a “man child”, but you won’t even speak to him face-to-face.
YTA for all of that – you don’t seem ready to live in a shared home.
ps> Telling other people what to do is NOT “setting a boundary”. One sets boundaries on one’s own behavior. It’s the difference between “you need to wash your own dishes” (telling someone what to do) and “I’m not going to wash your dishes any longer” (setting a boundary).
ESH
Boundaries are about what YOU do. When they relate to others, like cleaning the counters after use, they become rules. You have rules for these people. This is an important distinction. A boundary would be “I do not live with people that do not wipe down counters.” The onus is then on you to leave the situation or adjust your boundary.
I know you want to move out and I agree it is the best thing for you. Your desires are likely good for them too but you can’t control other people. Just you. Save up and move on.