I’m a trans woman (17) who was assigned male at birth (I think I’m a woman but I’m still figuring that out), and I’m currently a junior in high school. Back in freshman year, I met someone we’ll call Amy (17F). She’s pretty direct and she’s a nice person. She would talk to me during group projects or in class whenever she occasionally sat next to me.
For context, I am very shy and I don’t really have any friends. I rarely speak to anyone unless they speak to me first, and even with Amy I’m still generally timid. Me and Amy were never really close, but eventually I trusted her enough to come out to her. We never talk outside of school, and during school we only talk if we share a class and sit next to each other, but she’s still pretty much been my best friend for all of high school. High school has been very lonely for me so far.
We were both in the STEM program which kept us in many of the same classes for the first two years, which is why we ended up bonding. I left STEM at the end of sophomore year because it was too stressful, and now I have no classes with Amy. As expected, we didn’t talk all year until a couple months ago when we ran into each other at a school event. She walked around with me while talking to her friends. I’d been wanting to open up to someone, so when I got home I messaged her.
>Me: “Why do you hang out with me I’m not very fun to hang out with”
Amy: “What”
Amy: “You’re funny”
Amy: “You okay?”
Me: “No”
Amy: “Yap to me all you want”
Amy: “I’m here for my girlypop”
Me: “Idk I just feel like I’m not a very good friend”
Amy: “You’re wonderful”
Me: “I don’t even say anything”
Amy: “You put up with my shenanigans and when you do say stuff it’s hilarious”
Me: “Sorry”
Amy: “What?”
Amy: “Why are you sorry?”
Me: “I don’t want to impose I guess. I don’t know”
Amy: “You’re not imposing”
Amy: “I hang out with you because I enjoy your company”
Me: “I wish I hadn’t left stem. I feel like I always run away from people because I’m scared of messing it up. But I want friends so bad”
Amy: “We are besties, man”
Amy: “You just gotta let me know when you’re free and we’ll hang out”
I’m not proud of how I handled that. Afterwards we tried planning to hang out several times, but she always seemed busy so it never happened. I suggested lunch instead. We met at lunch twice: the first time she brought me to her friends so I didn’t talk at all, and the second time we sat together but I couldn’t get a single word out even though I wanted to vent so badly.
After that I asked if I could vent over text. She said yes, so I sent the longest text I’ve ever sent about my problems. It felt nice for a bit, and she again suggested we hang out, which still hasn’t happened a month later. I feel like she doesn’t really want to hang out with me and I should have taken a hint, but I feel bad for assuming that and I feel like I handled this poorly.
Have I been being an asshole?
Venting by text to someone else isn’t healthy. Is there any way you could vent to someone directly? Even a phone call would be a better way to vent than typing out a message. Heck, you could make a journal to write down your feelings if that helps.
I’m not going to call you an AH, but there are better ways to manage your feelings here.
NAH but you need to work on building a support system. I know it’s hard to make new friends sometimes but you can’t depend on only one person for all your social needs
NAH Because you are young and figuring things out. I really suggest getting a therapist. Putting all that on someone out of the blue isn’t very fair to them.
NAH. You’re looking for a friend and she’s saying she’s one, but the actions aren’t really there. It could be because she is busy. It could be reasons nothing to do with you. But it sounds like she just wants fun and you want an emotional friendship. So keep looking for that group that you fit in that supports you emotionally. It can be hard to find. Journal your feelings in the mean time and try not to be too hard on yourself while looking.
NAH please talk to a doctor about social anxiety because that’s more than shy, as someone who has it.
She wants to be your friend. You need to trust when people communicate with you, she asked you to be her friend, and hasn’t given you any reason to think she’s cruel or messing with you, so trust her!
And work on the self deprecation. It’s really really not good for you and it’s not helping you make friends.
NAH.
That said, it sounds like you might benefit from having an outlet to speak about this stuff where you’re not worried about social judgement. Look into therapy! It’s a great tool to give yourself room to work through stuff. And could also help you feel more comfortable in social settings.