Context: Me and my significant other are college students looking for a job for the upcoming summer. Before that, we had worked together at a different job paying minimum wage, and i thought it had gone pretty well, and they did not seem to have any problems with me working with them during that time. The relationship is pretty serious at this point, as we’ve been together for a while now (High School Sweethearts.) Now, we are studying the same major, and are on very similar life paths.
I was browsing for jobs so I can save for the upcoming year and I remembered one of their relatives telling us about a summer student program they were doing at their job. It paid great (compared to minimum wage atleast) and seemed like a great opportunity, so I applied. Later on, when I told them about it, They got upset with me because it seems like I have just copied everything they have done up to this point (same majors, same university, etc.) They have gotten some "heat" from their family about this, although I thought it was only in a joking type of way. For me, I applied because it paid great and has nothing to do with them whatsoever. I can see how everything up to this point may have come across as me copying them, but I think it is 1.) purely coincidence, as we’re very similar in terms of what we want to do with our lives, career-wise. and 2.) not such a big deal if we end up working in the same job again. I understand that they don’t like those jokes that their family makes, but I don’t see why I should have to give up a great opportunity. I don’t really want to work for minimum wage again, as I need the money for rent and other living expenses when I go back to school next year.
Edit 1: Thank you for the comments. I realized that there is lots of missing context here that I should’ve added. We have had conversations about the copying thing before but they’ve always ended in a stalemate, with them defending their family and me defending my own. They says that it isn’t helping my case with the family that I seem to be copying everything, because I apparently am on their "bad side". However, I thought I got along well with them as I’m good friends with my SO’s siblings, and I thought it seemed like their parents liked me as well, as we acknowledge each other whenever we see each other, such as in public settings or gatherings. I do understand that it comes off weird that I seem to be copying everything that they are doing, but that really isn’t the case. While I can see that it seems that way, all of my decisions came independently from theirs and they had very little influence over them. For example, I chose my major as it is versatile with what I can do with it, not to mention that it is what I personally enjoy. I chose my school as it was my first choice, and is relatively close to my family back home. I figured that I didn’t want to deprive myself of what I want to do just because they beat me to it. But up until this point, we’ve just agreed to disagree. I do think that that is as far as the similarities go, as our plans after our degree become somewhat different. I think I want to move back home and work from there while they want to stay and work in the city.
another fact is that this job doesn’t have anything to do with what we’re studying (totally different fields). At the time, my SO’s relative presented the job to both me and my them, so I thought that nothing’s wrong with applying. I have also expressed my interest of trying out that field before I commit to my major and applying before (I figured, nothing wrong with varied experience), but I don’t think they remember me doing that. Right now I’m faced with either pursuing this job, but there being potential problems down the road or pursue another job with less pay, but would stop the copying issue for now.
Thoughts?
NTA
For one thing, there is no guarantee either of you get that job. But it doesn’t sound like they are defending you to their relatives or that they are actually actively complaining about you.
Did you know they didn’t want you to? If so, I say yes, YTA, because not everyone wants to work with their partner. If not, NTA, but since they’re upset I’d reconsider hard if you’re both hired. I’d also find it weird if my high school sweetheart did the same major and job as me. It just seems like your lives shouldn’t be essentially parallel. Not for any reason though, I’m sure it works for some people, but it sounds like it’s not entirely working for them.
I had a friend who copied everything I did. Her parents copied everything my parents did. Franchised the same company as my parents, moved to the same state as mine, bought the same car, all of it. It was weird.
NTA, it makes sense you applied for a good opportunity, especially for the pay. Sounds more like a communication issue than you doing anything wrong.
NTA, you should follow up with them and ask how much of their issue is that their family is teasing them.
Might be awkward though if they don’t get the job they applied for and you get it instead. Still, better one if you gets a good job then neither.
One person does not own the opportunity to work at a job or internship. I understand your SO’s annoyance at you possibly copying everything they do but they can get over it. You need to do whatever pays better and is better for your career prospects. NTA
But why not talk about it with a significant other before applying?
Does your SO actually think you’re copying their life? If seems odd because if you’re in a serious relationship, you’ve presumably spent time talking about your common and respective interests, and it should be clear that you’re equally interested in the area you’re studying. What’s missing here?
YTA
You have to have a conversation about it if youre going to try to work with your SO
Also, you say “with” but is it actually the same job youre applying for? So only one of you will get it? And it was based on his family’s connection?
Idk, i do think its pretty weird you both do the exact same thing and have no space from each other whatsoever personally or professionally. It truly does seem like one of you copied the other at some points. I’d take a step back, go to therapy, and make sure i was making my own decisions
YTA for not discussing it first. I wouldn’t want to see my so at work, home, and social events. Having free time from each other is a fair ask. Seems like you doing give them the opportunity to say no.
How many summer positions are there in this program? Minimum wage jobs are plentiful, and at the time I’m sure it didn’t really matter if you both got on at the same job. When you start going after higher paying jobs there’s more competition. It sounds as though the numbers in this program are limited so rather than both of you getting in, you are competing with each other to get in. It sounds like you haven’t thought about if you got into the program and she doesn’t. And it sounds like the only way you knew about this program is through her family member so it’s potentially going to feel unfair that you got in and she didn’t. Maybe she wouldn’t get in regardless of whether you applied, but if you’re in a relationship it’s important to consider their feelings. Why did you wait until after you applied to tell her about it? Is it possible you care more about getting the position than your girlfriend? Since you’re looking for validation on AITA, instead of trying to work things out with your girlfriend then that seems like that may be the case in which case I tend to think YTA.
To point #2 – What if you get it and he doesn’t? Doesn’t appear you’ve really considered this idea. Not sure if it makes you an AH but I can definitely see where it’s causing problems and could potentially cause more if you end up getting a job over him that you both applied for when you found out about it through his family.
If his only reason for being upset is because his family is teasing him then yeah, he needs to suck it up a bit.
ESH
Oh dear glory, if it’s this bad at this point I am terrified at you getting jt.
YTA, not because applying for the same job, but because of not talking about it with your partner, if this is a serious relationship, why go behind their back?
NTA but do you think that the real problem might be that your SO feels suffocated? Like you need to be attached to the hip or something. It seems it’s a deeper issue than just you seeming like you’re copying everything. Do you have your own hobbies and friends outside of your SO?