My (35M) Mom (68F) recently asked me why I don’t make my kids (12F, 10F, 8F) write thank you notes. It’s not the first time that she has brought it up and you can tell that she has…feelings, about it. Growing up, my parents made both my sister and I write thank you notes, but the last time I chose to do this of my own accord was for my partner’s (37F) and my wedding in 2012.
This had been an intentional choice on my part. Gratitude is nice and both my wife and I seek to always say thank you, and have trained our kids to do so, for everything, whether it’s a home cooked meal, Xmas presents, shared lodging on a trip (all of which have been “gifts” given by my parents), but I struggle with the ethic of thinking you are “owed” a thank you note for gifts. In my mind, a gift is a gift, and if you give it with ANY level of expectation back, it cheapens the spirit of loving gift-giving.
Of course, in this moment, this is, most recently, about Xmas. We exchanged gifts with my parents, with us buying gifts for them and my Grandfather, and them buying things for us and the kids. My parents wrote a thank you note for our gifts (years ago, I told them I did not feel they need to do that but they continue to do so).
I want to believe that this is just a difference of social etiquette beliefs, in which case they can feel how they want and I can feel how I want, but I want to make sure I’m not, you know…
In short, my Mom’s multiple “requests” to write thank you notes has been rebuffed. Despite her persistently bringing it up, I continue to reject the premise that I ought to write, or make my kids write, thank you notes, instead opting for verbally expressed gratitude.
Does that make me the asshole?
Edit 1: I’m really glad I posted this. Even in 10 minutes, seeing people’s responses is helping me think through this!
At Xmas, we opened gifts all together in person. Thanks were given by kids, wife, and me (and parents) in person, both before and after gifts were opened, and in closing before we left.
NTA
It’s a difference in social etiquette
I wrote them for my wedding shower and wedding. I’ve written one or two for particularly kind gifts when I was going through a hard time. Otherwise it’s not a normal thing for the current generation
Obviously NTA, they are from a different generation and expectation. It would be a nice gesture since it means a lot, its a lot more personal to get a handwritten card than it is to get a quick thanks.
All that being said, they are not owed to have their wishes met for their gift. I personally would oblige since I would know it means a lot to them, for the simple reason that I like doing things that make people happy and feel seen.
My grandmother has saved every card I have written since I was a tiny lad, and to her the memories from the cards help her remember she is not alone in her old age.
NAH. I think your mom is a bit wrong etiquette-wise – I was always taught that thank you notes are not necessary where the gift is opened with the gifter present and gratitude is therefore expressed in person. If you get a gift in the mail though or don’t open it until you get home it’s definitely rude not to acknowledge the gift (whether via note, email, text, or phone call).
On the other hand your mom is saying this is important to her and it’s fairly easy to do. It would be a good lesson to your kids that sometimes you do different things for different people depending on their preferences, including writing thank you notes to some people from older generations.
Yeah, that’s where I’ve landed.
If she’s doing it, it’s nice to reciprocate, and it doesn’t sound like she’s asking you to do it for everyone.
Doesn’t seem like a massive boundary breaking thing to be like “Your nan likes thank you notes, so we do it because it’ll make her happy with little cost to us”
NTA If saying thank you isn’t enough, I don’t want the gift.
THIS. I cannot stand unspoken expectations. It’s good to teach children to be grateful, but expecting them to write out thank you notes makes gifts a chore and honestly less enjoyable to receive.
It’s always good to teach kids that if it costs them nothing, it’s nice to treat others they way they’d like to be treated.
Since the presents were opened in everyone’s presence, I don’t see the need for thank-you notes. If they weren’t, of course some kind of acknowledgement must be made.
This is how I think of it as well. I’ve never in my life written a thank you note for Christmas presents from family members as I also get them gifts. So I feel like communal gift giving is about being together and being generous with everyone involved – therefore, no formal thanks needed.
For occasions where just one side is getting a gift (birthdays, weddings, etc.), I feel it’s customary to send a thank you note, not just to express thanks but to also acknowledge you got the gift (esp. if you didn’t open it in front of the giver).
As a kid I would send Thank You notes at Christmas to relatives who weren’t there (my family is spread across the country and we have never spent a Christmas with both sides of the family there, but aunts and uncles would still send gifts), but not to the relatives I opened presents with. Nowadays I simply send a Thank You text, or sometimes a phone call.
This is what I was just thinking, like we all have phones now… what a waste of resources to buy a card, envelope, and stamp then waste mail truck gas to send a letter that will be then thrown away 30 seconds after it’s opened.
On the other hand, it’s nice to get mail that isn’t a bill or junk mail. I have all the notes and cards from my friends, even thank-you notes up on my fridge. I think of my friends each time I walk by it. One of my friends is an artist and I support her via Patreon (and buying her art) and getting that little card and patron gift is the mail highlight of my month.
And they aren’t “wasting gas” delivering it, they’d already have to come down my road to deliver the aforementioned junk mail to me and my neighbors. At least the thank you cards have some value.
Some manners book I read years ago (we all have weird phases ok?) said that thank you notes are for when you can’t say thank you in person
As far as generationally, I’ve gotten thank you notes for every graduation party I went to, and didn’t have to prompt my kid to write hers (and we never had her write cards out, and only occasionally promoted texts)
I was raised that you send thank you notes if you do not open the gift in front of the person but do not if you opened it in front of them and thanked them then. The exceptions were major events like weddings, or showers in which case you wrote a thank you card to everyone.
ETA Fun little note, my wedding reception was crashed, and we didn’t realize it until we went to send thank you notes. A woman who looked to be in her 70s came, ate at the buffet, went around and talked to everyone. She danced, had wine. She gave compliments. She left us a $100 check. I asked my husband for her info to send a thank you and he thought she was from my side. There was no address on the check so we went around and asked everyone. Literally no one knew who she was. She wasn’t on anyone’s guest list. She wasn’t anyone’s plus one. And we asked everyone we could. We think she just wandered into the reception and stayed.