Hello, so I am very new to this even though I’ve had this reddit account for some time now. English isn’t my first language and this is my first time actually using reddit, so I’m sorry if I make any mistakes going through this. I want some outside info about a situation I am in.
Let me give some general info:
Three people are involved. Me(16F) and two others, lets call them Lena and Layla(fake names, both 16F). I have been best friends with Lena for nearly 8 years now, and I had been close friends with Layla for 2 years until she spread some rumors about me which I don’t want to get into here.
Now let me get to what has been happening. So it has been about 3 months since I stopped talking to Layla now, my best friend Lena told me she wouldn’t stop talking to her since she was not involved in any way. I didn’t say anything as it seems like it is her choice, and even though Layla really hurt me, I wanted to respect Lena’s choice. But a problem occurred not much time after we’ve had this conversation. Whenever they hang out or do something together, Lena tells me about it. after this has happened for a few times, I sat Lena down and told her that I didn’t want to hear about Layla anymore as she had hurt me pretty badly. She told me she understood, but pretty soon after that she started talking about Layla again, I told Lena that I already told her once that I didn’t want to hear about Layla anymore, and again she said she won’t talk about Layla again. I thanked her and thought we had moved on, but Lena has started doing it again once more for the last month. I waited some time thinking maybe she would stop, but she didn’t. And after school last friday, we had a fight about it. I told Lena that I felt like she wasn’t taking my feelings seriously and I didn’t want to hear about a person who hurt me every waking hour of the day. She told me I am vindictive and controlling. Then I said to Lena that she was a bad friend for even hanging out with Layla in the first place. She called me the equivalent of an a-hole in our native language and hung up. I tried calling her back but she wouldn’t pick up. We have been friends for so long and I don’t this to get in the way of our friendship or maybe I am just delusional. Help me please. AITA?
NTA. You not wanting to hear about someone you went no contact with is a super reasonable boundary. She’s doing it on purpose at this point.
NTA – she’s not respecting your boundaries which is a core requirement for a good relationship.
You didn’t get in the way of their friendship, you just stated a boundary: “please don’t talk to me about her.” And honestly, that’s perfectly reasonable. It *is* controlling to try to manage another person’s friendships, but you didn’t. She is the one who has consistently ignored your boundary, which are not the actions of a good friend.
>Then I said to Lena that she was a bad friend for even hanging out with Layla in the first place.
It’s fine to feel that way, but other people get to be friends with whomever they wish. She’s a bad friend for ignoring your boundaries and invalidating you, not for being friends with someone you don’t like.
Still though, NTA
Thank you for your insight, truly. I haven’t been sure about the part quoted, as I thought her being friends with Layla was her choice after saying that. Thank you for clearing that up for me.
Both – you are not the asshole for asking Lena to stop talking about Layla. You asked her a few times and she did not respect your request.
However, you don’t get any say about who other people are friends with, they get to make their own choices. So you are the asshole, for being mad that she continued to be friends with Layla.
You’re right. I went too far with that, that’s her choice. Thanks for your input <3
Genuinely…. Google: free will
Also: Good for you for hanging out with her so…no BUT can you stop talking to me about said hanging out.
Problem solved. Her continuing to share after that request…. Makes her the AH. U tried…now you have to decide if you wanna be friends with an AH
NTA ur just a kid who doesn’t understand life yet.
Thanks for your opinion on my situation, however I didn’t understand the part about googling free will. Could you maybe elaborate on that, please?
YTA for wanting to curtail your friends’ friends! You don’t own or control anyone but yourself!
NTA, she crossed your boundary
NTA for telling Lena not to talk about Layla but calling her a “bad friend” for still hanging out with her kind of makes you an AH. Just because you had a falling out with Layla doesn’t necessarily mean Lena can’t hang out with her.
Info
What were these rumors? Without that context, we can’t really determine if Lena is a problem or not. She doesn’t think the rumors are enough to terminate her own relationship with Layla. Lena sees Layla regularly and seems to have a positive social relationship with her.
Meanwhile, you’re burning relationships with two friends. Two. You are a common thread in these friendships
NTA and I’m sorry. When my best friend was disrespected by our friend (we were also a trio) I completely cut out the other girl. Loyalty is rare but if someone is a bad friend to my best friend, they are not a good person, even if I wasn’t involved.