I’m in a moral dilemma here, my dad had cancer surgery two weeks ago, I went to see him with my mum and sister when he woke up and also collected him from the hospital the following day to take him home.
I spoke to him on the phone 3 days later then again after another 7 days after he had an appointment with docs to have catheter removed etc. I also arranged to go out with him and my mum for a meal to celebrate my mums birthday in 1 weeks time.
Fast forward 4 days and I receive a message that parents are very disappointed in me for not being in contact that he had been home two weeks and I’ve not been to see him and barely called. I was on call with work over the weekend and my kids were ill and it genuinely slipped my mind.
For context I have a very busy day job and two young children aged 4 and 1, the 1 year old was ill over the weekend and we had the in laws over for mother in laws 60th birthday.
I apologised over the phone to dad and received a response from mum via text doubling down their disappointment. They said my priorities were wrong for not checking in enough on his welfare.
AITA for not checking in over the weekend? Have I used my kids and my own work as an excuse?
Edit:
Actually went through my call logs / messages:
Monday 5th went to visit in hospital
Tuesday 6th picked him up from hospital
Wednesday 7th phone call
Sunday 11th face timed with kids
Thursday 15th messaged first thing in morning separately then mentioned about going to the pub for lunch for Mums birthday. Also spoke on the phone after appointment
Friday 16th spoke to Mum on the phone
Sunday 18th tried to call Mum but no answer
Info: this really depends on what type of relationship you have with your dad. Like, if the roles were reversed, would you only expect him to call you once a week?
ESH- you should have set yourself a daily reminder to text and ask how he was doing. Shaming from “everyone“ is also crappy though.
Yeah. We are all busy, can you imagine what he is going through?
YTA
I understand that you are busy, and if your kids are sick it is good not to visit and possibly expose him to illness while he is recovering. However, a daily phone call is the bare minimum – to check on him to see how he is doing and to ask if your mom needs anything.
Edit: My response assumes that you have a good relationship with them. I didn’t consider that until someone else mentioned it.
He had cancer and surgery not a cold. Did you really forget to check on him and your mom (who is presumably his caregiver) for a week? Apologize and do better!
Not to pile on, but when my stepdad recently had the flu, I checked on him more than OP did for their father who had cancer surgery. I am not saying that to toot my own horn, but to show how sad it is that OP treated her dad like an after thought (“it genuinely slipped my mind”).
He’s going through something really serious. A phone call or even just reaching out by text to check in would go a long way while taking very little time out of your day.
NTA as someone who had cancer, the last thing I wanted was people coming to visit me, because even after the surgery I was in a lot of pain and recovering, I had my husband at home and that was the only person who I wanted to be around at that time. It’s not like your father is by himself he has his wife at home with him.
Sorry. Yeah, you are on this one. I say that as I recognize that about myself as well. It only takes a few minutes but it requires getting out of your head to do it. Good luck and keep working on it.
YTA. All I read here are excuses. ‘I’m soooo busy in my life I can’t possibly check in on my parent with a short text even.’
Id have to go slight YTA over ESH here. I get you had a lot going on but I can see why they were hurt when all that was required was a 5 minute call to check up and how your dad was doing. Slight YTA because you did apologise but I think there was genuine hurt on their end.
INFO: What kind of relationship do you have with your dad?
Has he been a caring and involved father? Lukewarm and sort of there? Neglectful, absent or abusive?
NTA. You knew he was getting proper medical care, and you DID stay in good contact. You have a job and your own family – they are being unreasonable.
I had a surgery a few years back, not cancer, but surgery. A friend who lives out of town called or texted everyday for almost two weeks just for a quick check in to see how I was doing.
I felt so loved and cared for. It was really a generous and considerate thing to do. I still cherish knowing they cared enough to make a point of checking in.
I don’t think you were awful, and yeah, life is busy. Cancer surgery is super scary and a little extra effort could have gone a long way. I’d consider apologizing and specifically expressing your love and concern for your dad.