I’ve been part of the same gaming friendgroup for years. Almost every night we played together, hung out in voice chat, and it was basically how we stayed close. It was routine and something I really valued. A few months ago, I started working on my own game project. What began as a small idea slowly became serious. I began spending most of my free time learning new tools, planning features, and building the game. Because of that, I stopped playing as much. I still joined voice chat sometimes, but I was quieter, joined late, or left early. At first, my friends joked about it: “Too busy for us now?” or “Guess you forgot gaming.” I laughed it off at first, but over time it started to feel constant. Every declined invite turned into a comment, and every short appearance became another joke about how I never played anymore. It stopped feeling like teasing and started feeling like pressure. One night, it boiled over. They invited me to play and I said I couldn’t because I wanted to finish a milestone before the weekend. Someone said I “always had an excuse,” and another asked what the point was of me even being around if I never played. I snapped and told them it felt like they didn’t respect what I was trying to do. That turned into a full argument about priorities and how I had “changed.” Voices were raised, people talked over each other, and I eventually left the call feeling angry and guilty.
I keep wondering if I handled it badly, or if it’s reasonable to prioritize something important to me even if it means less time gaming with friends.
So, AITA?
ESH, you all should have talked this over like adults instead of starting screaming matches.
I’m going to lean a little to yta. But only a little.
It does sound like from their perspective you have changed. You haven’t been spending time with them, you don’t participate in the same activities anymore with them, it’s normal for them to feel frustrated by this.
People generally are bad at communicating, and they may have made these little comments that grind your gears as their way of reaching out/communicating their frustration, annoyance, disappointment, instead of just having a clear conversation.
Are you actually still spending time gaming with them sometimes or have you basically disappeared? It doesn’t sound like your putting effort into spending time with them gaming anymore at all, but have just dropped it to focus solely on your new project. If that fizzles out don’t assume you can just go back to joining them like the way it was when it’s convenient for you. All relationships require work and sacrifice and negotiation.
I mean, yeah-ish.
I understand where you’re coming, currently going through something similar in college. I can’t hang with my friend group anymore because I’m focusing on building a future(using freelance webdev to power a residual income model), and I frankly don’t have the time. Naturally, they joke about it, jab about it and all. Think of it from their perspective, you withdraw from them, rarely show up and when you do, you’re always quick to leave. You’re not an asshole for being busy, but I don’t see the need to lash out on them for missing you.
They don’t understand why you’re busy, that’s fine. They can’t connect to what you’re building and it’s okay, it’s your dream, not theirs. Just learn to set priorities and a schedule if you can , eventually, they’ll get tired of the constant jabs and know when to expect you and when not to
I’ve been a game dev for 16 years, you need to strike a balance. Today it’s to be present for your friends, tomorrow it will be for your family. Learn to strike this balance now otherwise game dev could start to slowly take pieces of your life away, pieces that really matter to you, which would be a shame as it is a cool and challenging thing that you’re doing. So treat it, yourself, and those that care about you with respect, by balancing them all. Note that I included yourself in that list too. Without that balance you’ll burn out anyway, so take this as an early warning sign
>another asked what the point was of me even being around if I never played
This says it all. They are a group for gaming.
You don’t game anymore.
So leave the group.
It seems pretty simple and straight forward.
Did you heard of loneliness epidemic? This is how one becomes a case. I really mean it, specifically programmers forums of my generation flipped from “I code 12 hours a day, those who party are lazy” to “I am lonely it is society fault” in my lifetime. Do not repeat their mistakes.
\> I still joined voice chat sometimes, but I was quieter, joined late, or left early.
You are not an asshole, but word of warning – you are withdrawing and you will loose them. You are kind of lucky they actually want you around and are giving you feedback.
Real life equivalent of what you are doing is coming to a meetup with friends in a cafe, opening laptop and mostly ignoring them the whole time while you work. That would be seen as widely rude back then when people met in person to socialize.
\> if it’s reasonable to prioritize something important to me even if it means less time gaming with friends.
Strike a balance. If you want to keep friends, give them some of your time. It does not have to be every evening, but you need to actually engage some times. The way you wrote this sentence, the answer is yes. But the way you describe the execution