As the title states my brother is an alcoholic, has been for just over 25 years. As you can probably guess this has caused some big arguments in our family. We’ve all tried for years to help him, get him into rehab etc but this has repeatedly failed.
His marriage ended and he barely see’s his child. He’s had it really rough and still drinks.
Everyone has now stopped trying to get him to stop, knowing that he has to want to do it himself and that time will never come.
On NYE I rang him and he was miserable, yet lovely as he tends to be. He’s in a place with no carpets etc, only a tv with free view and his bed. That’s it.
I felt really bad and told him I was gonna transfer some money, mentioned I knew he’d buy drink with it but I didn’t care. If him having a drink would help him, then I’ll help him with that.
My family found out and are angry at me, overly I think.
So, AITA?
It is extremely dangerous for an alcoholic to suddenly stop drinking! Please educate yourself and your family on this topic.
Yeah. My sister a friend that decided to stop drinking cold turkey. He was at a dinner with family and fell asleep on the couch. Never woke up. Wasn’t even 30. There is a reason liquor stores were considered essential during lockdown. Its scary
You’re enabling your brother by giving him money. You knew it was going to go to alcohol. You’re not helping him, you are hurting him further. Your family has every reason to be angry with you. YTA
YTA you know he will buy drink but you still give him money.
YTA You could have ordered some food for him or have groceries delivered, but giving him money and telling him you don’t care if he buys alcohol was not a good choice.
YTA.
What you did is called enabling. You did it because you felt bad for him. I get that. But you have to understand this is the consequences of his addiction. In order to want to actually get sober, he has to experience the weight of those consequences.
If you want to help him, giving him that phone call just to talk to him was okay. A lot of people struggling with addiction will chose to get better if they know there is someone in their corner who, while not enabling or making excuses for their behavior, will still have their back when they make that choice. I’ve known a few people who gave up on getting sober because they knew no one would be there to care if they did.
You do not have to completely abandon your brother. But do NOT give him alcohol or access to ways to get it.
YTA.
You saw a drowning man and tossed a bucket of water on him.
You saw a man trying to claw his way out of a hole and you stepped on his fingers.
You saw an addict who is destroying his life and you gave him more fuel for the fire.
If you really wanted to help, you SHOULD HAVE:
* gone to visit him
* order some food for him
* buy some furniture/books/game system/etc. and have it delivered to his apartment
Giving up on helping someone is NOT the same as helping him continue in their addiction.
Drinking isn’t helping him.
He’s never going to get over his addiction with people like you enabling him.
YTA.
You could have sent him a pizza? Or bought breakfast for him on New Year’s Day. YTA
As a recovering alcoholic I’m gonna say NTA. You expressed your concerns whilst giving him the autonomy to choose his path. He would have found a way to drink with or without the money. You made him safer.
I really hope he decides to get help. Being there for him at his worst in a non-judgmental way us the best thing you can do for now.
YTA for not only intentionally supplying an addict, but bringing UP drinking and spending the money on it. if he wasnt, you gave him the idea and the go ahead to do it, you stamped your approval and told him to essentially.
NAH, This is much more complicated than Reddit can handle. On one hand, addicts will find a way regardless. My brother frequently sold stuff to fund his habit. On the other hand, it’s super hard to write someone off because of a disease like addiction, especially when they’re someone you care about. Also stopping a habit like that cold turkey can in fact kill you as mentioned in previous comments. Your brother needs professional help to stop, and he won’t get it until he hits rock bottom if even then. All in all, I wish you and your brother luck and my only advice is if you want more ways to help him you should talk to an addiction counselor or therapist. They might be able to give you some ways to help him or advice at least.
YTA
You enabled his addiction. You could have gone over, taken him out, etc, and basically done anything else to engage with him.
Instead you literally tossed money and invited him to drink by himself.
Actually as a recovered alcoholic I can say that the only way your brother will get sober is if they completely hit bottom and decide to seek help for themselves.
Or they will pursue the obsession that they will one day be able to drink like other people to the gates of insanity or death. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You can encourage him to seek help or you can choose to leave his life entirely which make help wake him up
I would suggest going to al anon meetings they are free support groups for loved ones of alcoholics and would have more direct experience dealing with these types of situations.
But no i dont think youre the asshole giving money to a family member in need and them misusing it is not your fault