So, I guess I can’t put the whole thing in here, because there isn’t enough text body to contain it all, so I’ll do my best to give the facts expressly. My father was absent through childhood, and only met me when I was 11, after an incident with my mother’s family, another story entirely. It was a culture shock being sent to live with him, and I was treated as if I was expected to act like a dog, be minimal and stay out of the way, but the moment I made noise or stood up, I got to know my place all over again. Years of me trying to have a relationship, only to be constantly be put back in my starting position, so I finally gave up…that was almost 10 years ago and now he’s trying to reach out because he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and wants ME to be reasonable enough to reconcile with HIM before he dies. I got messages from other immediate family members of his too, like the last 10 years of silence were just a week, and that all the years of never saying anything or doing the right thing never happened…I should be expected to drop my feelings to make peace with a man that never conceded before, and made it out to be my fault. AITA for telling them that they don’t get to reach out and guilt trip me anymore just because he’s dying?
NTA. Dying doesn’t absolve anyone of the things they did in life. We all die and it doesn’t change the life we lived. He should have made choices he could die with.
He’s reaching out for himself not for you. You don’t owe him anything. Let the man die without giving any more of you. NTA
NTA – You don’t owe him a thing. He’s made his bed, let him lie in it
Don’t do it. Don’t sell out your self worth for someone who never EVER saw you as worthy. Long after he’s dead you’ll regret comforting a man who saw no value in you until HE needed something.
NTA if you ignore his request. You should, however, consider how you will feel if you do not contact him and he dies. If you think it won’t upset you, then go ahead and ignore him. He was a crap father to you your entire life, so you don’t owe him anything.
Only make a decision that benefits you. Period. Think about the future after he’s gone. Will you feel guilty you didn’t reconcile? No? Block out the voices and never see him again. Think you might regret not making peace? Then go see him, tell him he was a shit to you and wish him well. I mean, he has absolutely no right to you at this time in his life. He never showed up for you, and he never parented you. You make this decision based on what’s best for your own mental health. No “shoulds” from family need sway you. Hugs.
NTA
If he weren’t dying, he never would have reached out. You don’t owe him absolution. You don’t owe him peace or forgiveness.
He had ten years to do better, plus all of the time before that. He has earned the consequences he’s suffering, and cancer is not a get out jail free card to excuse his past.
Nta. And when you get text messages from these people, use just four words. “New number, who dis?”
NTA – he wasn’t a part of your life whilst alive, why would it be any different once he’s dead.
You owe him nothing, his mortality changes nothing.
NTA, do what you need to heal and move forward on your own life. Your shit father can kick sand. But, consider if there’s any part of you that wants closure or the relationship and do it for you, not him.
you don’t have too… but think carefully. He will be gone soon. What do YOU want.
NTA. Explain to the flying monkeys that he has been dead to you for years. You grieved about it 10 years ago. Now that he is really dying, it is already too late for you to reconnect since to you he has been dead for years and you no longer care. A true case of too little and too late.
NTA. Protect yourself, 1st. If you choose to forgive, fine. If you don’t that’s on you. But do not allow them into thinking you’re going to be a caretaker for him. Prostate cancer is notoriously slow growth. More than likely you have time to decide.