Hi, sorry if this is badly written, I’m still shaken up, and english isn’t my first language. I’m a 16F and alternative (specifically goth), and my mom and I have always clashed over it. I’m neurodivergent and have struggled with bullying and fitting in, so I have always been drawn to counter culture and alternative ideologies.
In early 2024, I tried really hard to fit in because I was really depressed and tired of being different. I dyed my hair blonde, dressed like my classmates, followed the whole “clean girl” aesthetic. I was miserable, but ironically that’s when my relationship with my mom was the best. At the start of 2025, I realized I wasn’t happy pretending to be someone else, so I slowly started dressing and doing my makeup the way I actually wanted to.
At first my mom didn’t care much, but as I became more comfortable being alternative and started wearing heavier eye makeup, her comments got more frequent and mean. She constantly criticized my appearance and said I looked better with less makeup. Eventually she even got my dad involved to tell me I didn’t need to look like this.
Today she picked me up from school, and I already felt awful (I had nausea). She started criticizing my makeup again, and I ignored her. She blew up, and we had a huge fight. She told me this “isn’t the real me,” that I’m wearing a mask, that I look horrible and like a clown, and that I’m too young to wear makeup. She threatened to throw my makeup away and said if I want to express myself, I should find another way. I told her she doesn’t understand what it’s like to already feel different, and that she’s supposed to love me anyway.
This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had. My friends say I did nothing wrong, but now I’m wondering if I was disrespectful or if she’s right about me being too young or dramatic. We haven’t talked since, and I’ve been crying in my room. Should I go and apologize? AITA?
Goth make up is beautiful. It’s a form of art, and a form of expression. Not everyone can appreciate art and can’t understand expression of anything that doesn’t fit with their personal norm. Parents can be controlling. They often try to push their children into “normal” activities in the hopes that they will be more likely to succeed in the future. They fixate on who you used to be as a child, and get scared when they see you growing away from them as you gain independence. I have no idea what your mom‘s motivation is, but it’s not out of the ordinary. It’s also not your fault. You’re doing nothing wrong as a person. It’s just an interpersonal conflict between two people with opposing values. Keep some spare makeup in your locker. Be your authentic self, but be mindful of your safety and mental health. NTA.
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Nah, this is ridiculous, her mom should just let her be
You are in the wrong profession if this is your advice to young adults expressing themselves in a safe and healthy way.
Her mother is a bully. And apologizing and changing your behavior to appease a bully is not the correct course of action.
Self expression is important for helping you find out who you are and your place in the world, especially at your age. Make up can be washed off at the end of the day; if anything, this is one of the simplest and safer ways someone could explore different versions of themselves (I am a mother of a 13 yr old going through the same) Your mom seems like she is struggling with control issues that she probably needs to work on, but I wouldn’t have blown up on her for it, as it helps no one in this situation. Apologies can lead the way to honest communication, but it takes both parties. I hope she is willing to listen.
NTA, not really. Yea blowing up at her wasn’t the most mature thing but you’re very young, and your mom was pushing hard. She’s supposed to be the mature one, but she was being mean. It’s really hard when parents refuse to try to understand and accept who their kids are instead of who they wanted them to be. I agree with everyone saying to talk it out with your mom, to take the first step and apologize for blowing up, and explain how she made you feel, and how this is an art to you and a form of self expression that is temporary and safe, etc. Some really great advice here so far.
But if all else fails, my friend who had the same issue back in high school used to get to school early and do her makeup there, then take it off at the end of the school day before heading home. It wasn’t ideal, but her mom refused to understand her self expression and was also threatening punishment and making her home life really tense and hostile. So she toned down her makeup a lot around her mom, and toned it back up to express herself whenever her mom wasn’t around. Her mom never reflected or tried to understand her, and as far as I know they barely have a relationship now. I hope that your mom is different. But if not, a travel make up bag and a pack of remover wipes will go a long way towards easing tensions for now.
Good luck!
I wish I’d have listened to my Mom more as a teen. I was walking around looking like a damn fool with my caked on orange dream matte mousse, frosted lipstick and baby blue eyeshadow with two tendrils of hair gelled to the side of my face 😂Most Moms just want the best for their kids and she is probably concerned about you getting bullied even more for looking a bit different. I’d just let it go. The older you get the more you’ll realise these things don’t really matter much.
NTA
I’m in my mid 30s and held on true to the goth aesthetic when i have time to do my makeup and clothes, and I went through the same thing.
You don’t need to be “pretty”. You don’t need to be someone else’s ideal. Thats not to say you aren’t pretty! But Im not living my life for other people, and I dont need to be their version of pretty. I do have some people say I look better without the makeup. I have others who love all of me and think I’m always beautiful and friends would actually get sad when I wasn’t wearing it because they knew it meant I wasn’t feeling my best! (Like i would be depressed and not have the energy to do it, if i was doing it it meant i felt happy enough to do it).
My mom turned out to be a narcissistic asshole that I no longer speak with. I’m not you and I dont know your mom so I cant say if she’s being an asshole or just worried. Granted, even if she IS just being worried she is still being an asshole. My dad has said things during that phase that hurt cuz he was worried. But him and I have a wonderful relationship still because he did do his best to support me.
Do what you will with all of this, I just wanted to show support as someone who has been there.
My experience with my mom was horrible because of her always belittling me for how I expressed myself, unfortunately a lot of times mothers belittle their daughters because of their own insecurities, ultimately you should do whatever makes you happy because trying to fit in when you don’t will just take away your energy and make you feel even worse constantly. YNTA
Former goth here (now you can always find me in sweats and a hoodie, usually band merch and I’m too lazy to wear makeup anymore) Are you comfortable dressing how you want? Do you enjoy the makeup? Do you feel safer this way? This isn’t criticizing. Babe, do what makes you comfortable. You’re young. Remember comfort matters. You don’t have to go out of your way to impress people. I was an outcast in high school, very VERY few real friends. But I found expressing myself, my true self, was more important than trying to adhere to someone else’s standards of me. Follow what makes you feel LIKE YOU. That’s the important part. Have a sit-down and TALK with your parents. I grew up with my dad never caring, my mom working all the time so she never had time for us kids. I tried to match my sisters at one point. I was forced into different clothes because of my grandma. It was awful. It killed me. DO WHAT YOU NEED TO BE YOU!
I don’t think either one of you are wrong. You are still only 16 but to your mom you are almost an adult but still not an adult and it’s just weird for both of you. She’s probably afraid she might be doing something wrong in raising you that is causing you to start from the norm, since the norm is generally considered the safe and non-problematic route to parents. I wasn’t a goth girl but a grunge girl and my mom dyed my hair purple for me when I was 15. I was the first one to ever do this in my school and boy oh boy was it a big deal. People stared everywhere we went, and my mom would say, “she’s a good kid, gets good grades, why does it matter?” Maybe talk to your mom to try to get her to understand what it is you like about your look, ask her for advice about something related to it (ie do you think liquid eyeliner is better than pencil??), and most importantly tell her what my mom said to me many years ago. You have a good head on your shoulders and she has nothing to be afraid of, so what IS she afraid of?
Hard NTA.
As someone who was once a 16 year old neurodivergent tired of trying and failing to fit in with the early 2000s Hollister/Abercrombie aesthetic, who was also listening to a lot of metal and alt/emo music, I went through a very similar style change and an identical fight with my mom. But I’ll tell you that today at 37 I still wear dramatic smokey eyes and winged eyeliner, and I dress exactly how I want (regardless of how other people feel about that, especially my mom). From my sometimes very colorful vivid hair to my piercings, to the 34 tattoos covering me, I know who I am and I am very happy with it. The very cliche “it’s not a phase” is clearly truth.
Don’t let anyone else dictate who you are in this lifetime, I’m saying that as a mom. I tell my son (who’s a senior in high school) that he should be the person he wants to be. You only get one shot at being this version of yourself, and as long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, do what you want to do.
I’m truly proud of you for embracing what feels like the most authentic version of yourself, that’s an act of radical self love. Good for you 💜