I (f22) live alone in an apartment between my siblings and my parents (f55, m60). My parents have in the past and to this day, critizised my grandpa for often visiting others before getting to their place, as it makes them feel like a part of a journey… I have previously pointed out to my parents that they seem to do this to me.
I now have had a visit from my family, because my parents were driving my siblings home and came for a stop at my place. I do like having my family over, but on the way out my mom said something along the lines of "we might come by next week"
I tried to ask her in a non-judgemental tone if this was another visit because they had other plans, and she admitted it was but instantly turned to telling me she would now cancel the plans of visiting me – even after I asked when it would be, as I would like to have them over.
On this note I wonder: AITA for asking if there was external reasons for visiting me?
NTA. You want your family to visit you just for the sake of visiting you. That makes total sense. My feelings would be a little hurt also. Maybe rather than throw out a flippant remark like you did, sit down with your parents and let them know how you feel. They maybe completely unaware that’s how you perceive the situation and how it’s making you feel
YTA, although it’s super mild, and it’s because this was a peevy dig, not a real question.
You are absolutely correct that your mother is engaging in the exact same behaviour that she complains about in others, but where is the harm in it? Did she ever tell your grandpa not to come over because of those reasons? I assume not.
Now that she’s older and visiting her own kids, the same thing is happening. The more things change, the more they stay the same, am I right?
But you didn’t make this comment lightly as a joke, you took a dig at your mother because you were feeling judgy about this behaviour in her. You can claim it was a non-judgemental tone all you like, but the timing means that anything other than a very clear and loving comment is a dig.
Taking a dig at your mother when an opportunity presents itself is A-holery. Is it mild? Yes. Is it understandable? Absolutely. However, was it right? I can’t give you that one, OP.
ESH
Apparently you learned it from them, so maybe they’re slightly worse than you for modeling this ugly behaviour for you, but you’re an adult now, seemingly aware that it’s unpleasant and perpetuating it.
I can’t imagine nitpicking, criticising, and judging my own family for something as petty and inconsequential as exactly how and why they visit me, rather than just taking a visit from family that I (and I assume you) love at face value as a nice thing.
Literally *who cares* if they also visit someone else the same day, or if it makes life easier to visit multiple family members because one live on the way to the other? What possible consequence does it have? Family members stop in to see my elderly parents all the time while they’re out running errands or on their way to something else, and no one thinks anything of it at all, because why would they? It’s just nice they made time to stop by.
You and your parents all sound way too concerned with looking for reasons to judge and be annoyed at each other instead of just enjoying your relationships and time together.
Do they ever just come to visit you without it being a convenient place to stop while on a more important journey? If not, there’s your answer.
Rarely. They helped me move, and I have offered them to come over a lot of times – and a few times it actually happened. Apart from that they tell me I don’t visit them enough (which happens monthly)
YTA
Be thankful that your parents are visiting you. What would you do if something happened to them today? You would instantly regret the missed opportunities. Don’t attach strings to their visiting (like you described). I get if you have plans, or are busy, but just be thankful they come and see you. There will be a day when they don’t or can’t.
Nta. If a simple question like that caused her to cancel plans to see you, then how much did she even want to see you.
NTA. Your mother is defensive because you spoke the reality that she is doing what she criticizes your grandfather for doing.
Instead of letting them choose the time to visit you, invite them over for lunch.