I (F) 27 was out one night with my boyfriend, his sister (22), and two of his cousins (24 and 30). From early on in the evening I wasn’t feeling too good, nauseous, weak, and exhausted. My boyfriend knew this, but we don’t see his cousins often, so I still wanted to show face and stay out for a bit.
After a few hours, I told my boyfriend I really needed to go home because I felt awful. (At the time, I didn’t know I was pregnant) His sister and cousins wanted to continue the night.
My boyfriend said that his mum had asked him to “look out for” his sister, so I said ok to staying out a little longer abs we all went outside to wait for a taxi together. While we were standing there, they couldn’t agree on where to go next and another 45 mins had passed.
I told his sister that she should go ahead and stay out with the cousins if she wanted to, but that I really needed to go home and my BF was our ride. She’s 22, was with two adult cousins, and I didn’t see anything wrong with her continuing her night. I also would’ve been fine with my boyfriend going back out if he wanted to. I felt so bad at this point that I was sat down on the floor because I genuinely felt like I might pass out while they decided what to do
My boyfriend later told me that I shouldn’t have been okay with him leaving his sister out, and that his cousins didn’t like my tone. I did apologise for being so frustrated as I wasn’t trying to be rude and can understand if I was being blunt or short
What bothers me now is that he still brings this situation up as something I did wrong. Since then, we’ve found out I was pregnant at the time, which explains why I felt so sick and irritable. Despite that, he says he doesn’t understand my point of view and gets upset that I showed him up in front of his family and couldn’t have acted differently
I don’t think I did anything unreasonable by saying his adult sister could continue her night while I went home unwell but I kind of wish I’d just found my own way home atp. So am I the AH?
NTA – and WTF did I just read? This is ridiculous and what a shitty thing your partner is doing by bringing it up.
NTA. A 22 year old doesn’t need permission from anyone to stay out. Your BF and his mother are treating her like a child. You treated her like an adult.
He’s her brother, not her keeper. NTA
NTA. Are you sure you want to have a baby with this man?
NTA. The next time he brings this up, tell him it has been discussed to death and you aren’t going to rehash it again. Then don’t. Walk away, end the call. Look at him like he’s an alien. He’s trying to manipulate you whenever you argue by bringing this up to throw you off balances
NTA and that man is not ready to be a parent. See if he’d go to therapy to work on his control issues and lack of empathy.
NTA. First of all she is 22, she’s an adult, she can look after herself and make her own choices. Second, the girl was with her brother, her cousins, and her brother’s girlfriend (you). They are all her family!!! You are the last one that would bear any responsibility for her!!!
NTA your boyfriend sounds insufferable and controlling. It’s perfectly valid and reasonable to not be able to control your tone of voice perfectly when you’re in pain. On the night they all should have been more concerned about you and made sure you were OK as a priority. It’s worse that your boyfriend is continuing to bring this up afterwards, especially knowing its cause you were pregnant with his baby. I’d be reconsidering this whole relationship
NTA. You were out for hours despite feeling awful in an attempt to support your boyfriend and spend time with his family, so I feel like whatever was “off” with your tone can be excused unless you were outright rude to people, which it sounds like you weren’t if the post is truthful.
While obviously it’d be nice to have a partner that focuses on taking care of you, I don’t really understand why you two didn’t just split up for the night—ex. You could’ve stayed home while he went out, or could’ve gotten a taxi/Uber/etc home, or he could’ve dropped you off and then went back for his sister, etc. Is that sort of codependence normal for you? And speaking of codependence, why is 22F sister not trusted to be out on her own? Cousins’ presence aside, she is a fully grown adult so barring any special circumstances, shouldn’t she be trusted to fully live on her own, let alone stay out with her family? Why is everyone babying her?
Unless we are missing info, I don’t have a clue what is going on here, and I don’t know why your boyfriend would be so hung up on this.
NTA
Why haven’t you looked at him like your pregnant girlfriend couldn’t stand under her own power and your priorities were partying with your family instead of getting her medical attention?
If he plays the well we didn’t know you were pregnant card: it’s still not normal to be unable to stand up, and even if you were drinking, being drunk to the point where you’re unable to stand/passing out in public still warrants care. If that would’ve happened in a bar or restaurant you would’ve been getting an Uber or an ambulance.
Also, at 22 I was driving across the Continental United States looking for somewhere not small town Maine and going to bars in the big city all by myself before GPS was a thing and cell phones were still minute plans with roaming and text charges.
Sister should know how to be smart and stay safe by herself at this age, without the necessity of family.
I think you need to seriously evaluate this relationship, because many many things can go wrong in pregnancy that are life threatening. I’ve been there, and an inattentive partner who doesn’t put you first will be the biggest danger if something goes wrong.
I had two kids and a husband by 22… my daughter is 23 and i’ve literally dropped her and her roommate off for bar crawls. She has the sense to give me a call if she needs picked up, and to keep her wits about her. Especially if you left her with two other adults, I fail to see the problem.
NTA. Partner unwell and needs to go home means you get your partner safely home promptly. Bf handled this badly to start with, and is very wrong to keep bringing it up. I agree, SIL was in the company of other relatives, a perfectly safe arrangement for her.
At 22, his sister doesn’t need a keeper, particularly if she’s with her cousins. He should stop bringing this up and you need to understand that it appears that his family is more important than you are. There is no way he should blame you for not feeling well and wanting to go home. He could have driven you and gone back or you could have gotten an Uber.
Are you keeping the baby? If so, he has to decide if he wants to support you or his family. He should have your back and you’re NTA.
“My boyfriend later told me that I shouldn’t have been okay with him leaving his sister out, and that his cousins didn’t like my tone.” – this made me say “what the fuck?” out loud to myself.