For context, my grandad passed \~2 weeks ago, and the family is fairly close. We’re a Chinese Family in Asia, and his funeral was conducted in a Buddhist manner. Chinese and Buddhist rites don’t always align and are at times contradictory, and the wake/funeral itself also had a mish-mash of Chinese & Buddhist elements. Because of this, I (29M) tend to be follow all these rites quite loosely, just to appease my elders, rather than doing so with genuine sincerity. The mourning rite in question here is that the family of the deceased cannot wear any bright-coloured clothes (red, yellow, orange etc.) for a 100 days after their passing, which originates from Chinese Tradition. In Buddhism, there is no explicit mention of this restriction, and given the conduct of the funeral, I felt it didn’t matter if I adhered to this rite or not.
This morning, my older sister and I were leaving to go to work (our immediate family stays together). I was wearing a bright red polo T-shirt. My sister saw me and asked, "don’t you know that we’re not supposed to wear red during this period?" To which I responded with, "..and.?", instinctively rolled my eyes and muttered something under my breath while leaving the house. She called out saying something (i didn’t catch the first part), "…if you don’t listen to me when i speak to you nicely, why should i bother (speaking nicely)?"
At dinner, my sister brought up our earlier interaction, asking "You know we’re not supposed to be wearing red; what’s so difficult about not wearing red?". I kept quiet for a bit, trying to ignore her question/conversing w other family members. She asked me again a 3rd time before finally raising her voice and hurling expletives at me, saying that I am rude and condescending for not listening to her, despite her efforts to speak in a softer/nicer tone. I responded by saying to her, "where is this coming from, since when were you a stickler for tradition?".
She continued to hurl expletives/raise her voice at me. I responded again, saying, "so do you want to listen, or do just wanna shout at me?". She responded with "I was opening to listening earlier, but now i don’t wanna listen and just wanna shout at you. I made an effort earlier to speak to you nicely, but what’s the point if you don’t listen anyway? You told me before that you don’t like it when i start any question with "you know that we’re supposed/not supposed to…", so i took that out, but you still stayed silent. So why do i bother to try (speaking nicely)?"
Frustrated, I finally told her, "when you ask me these questions, i can never tell if you are genuinely asking, or looking to shout at me. So, i just choose to stay silent. This is my defense mechanism". I stopped there, but she continued on for a bit more before stopping.
I struggle to tell her that whether or not i choose to follow the rites is my decision, and no amount of shouting/guilt-tripping is gonna change that.
**EDIT:** For more info, 3 days after the passing of my grandad, my youngest brother n dad also broke some mourning rites. In this case, they ate meat (where as per the rite they were supposed to observe vegetarian for 7 days). My sister knew about but just joked about it. i feel she selectively enforces the rites, and holds me to a higher standard than my dad/youngest brother. I mentioned this during the dinner conversation but she just dismissed it as irrelevant.
A very *light* YTA. The tradition of not wearing bright colors is obviously important to your sister. She lost her grandfather, too, and is likely grieving that loss. Are you *allowed* to wear whatever colors you want? Yes, clearly. But, in a period of grieving for a lost family member, it’s not a bad idea to consider how our choices can impact other family members.
Again, this is very light YTA. You’re not wrong, but a bit of sensitivity to grieving family members can go a long way.
Respectfully, I don’t think wearing red is the cardinal sin here. Being completely dismissive of his sister, and treating her with rudeness and condescension is.
You’re not wrong, but the issue began with him wearing red. He made a decision. She didn’t like it. The YTA part was how he handled her reaction. As I said, “a bit of sensitivity to grieving family members can go a long way.” This is not just about what colors he wore, but also about how he dealt with a grieving sister voicing her displeasure.
Rolling your eyes and giving a sarcastic “and…?” was asshole behavior. You didn’t know this element of the mourning tradition would be important to your family, so wearing the red polo in the first place wasn’t a problem. But when your sister made it clear that this was important, at least to her, you dismissed her in a very rude and snarky way. Then you continued dismissing her feelings, outright ignoring her, and escalating the situation. YTA.
YTA. You dismissed and then ignored your sister’s concerns. You should respond to express your opinion, then you can have a normal discussion. She was rightfully upset. It’s more about the way you responded rather than your position on the tradition.
YTA
You *can* wear whatever you like, but if you “follow all these rites quite loosely, just to appease your elders,” and you *know* your sister found your wearing red offensive, what would be the harm in changing your shirt to a more neutral color? It’s no skin off your ass, and it would make you sister (and possibly other family members, if they saw you) more comfortable.
But the real reason you’re an asshole here is the *way* you responded when she first mentioned it. Had you just said *what you told us*, something to the effect of, “there’s no restriction of wearing red in Buddhist traditions, and the funeral followed Buddhist traditions, so I thought that’s the way we were rolling. Do you think it’s a problem?” then the two of you *could* have had a calm conversation about it. Instead, you rolled your eyes and muttered something under your breath like an ornery teenager.
Basically, you didn’t give y*our own sister* the same courtesy you extended to us Reddit randos.
YTA. Rolling your eyes and being a smart ass when someone asks you a question is something a child would do, especially at a time of family mourning.
It would be e-s-h for me, but for a few detail.
Yes, she appears to be trying to police your grieving process and, according to your account, did it in a way that would bother me too.
But it seems like she at least tried to adapt to your feelings. You say she said:
“You told me before that you don’t like it when i start any question with ‘you know that we’re supposed/not supposed to…’, so i took that out, but you still stayed silent.”
That sounds like she listened to you and tried to change how she spoke. And it suggests that she really cares about the content of the conversation and conveying something that is important to her, not just giving you a hard time.
You, conversely, rolled your eyes, responded sarcastically, muttered under your breath, and doubled down by ignoreling her when she was speaking directly to you at a family dinner. That is all incredibly rude, confrontational, and unkind. Yelling isn’t an ideal response, but it’s not an unexpected one.
More to the point, you were not once honest with her, either by explaining your thinking (‘I find the blended rites difficult to parse and the informality of the funeral made me think this rite didnt need to be strictly observed’) or just telling her it was a choice you were sticking to (‘I prefer not to follow the no-bright-colors rule. I do not wish to discuss it.’).
So, she was a little out of her lane, but to my mind, you behaved worse. YTA.
If the customs make you feel better, follow them, if they don’t, don’t.
YTA. If culture A says “wearing red during the mourning period is bad”, and culture B says “we have no stance on mourning period colors”, then obviously wearing red in a mixed cultural space is going to come off badly. Even if literally half the people there don’t care about what you’re wearing (which seems unlikely because many individuals hold a mixture of beliefs), your actions are still rude to the other half. Add to this your snarky, rude response to your sister when she might be mourning or stressed about funeral logistics? Totally asshole behavior.
Also, as someone who’s part of the Chinese diaspora, I think it’s nuts that you don’t acknowledge that red is an actively celebratory color. Like every big Chinese holiday/event it’s red decorations and red envelopes and red outfits if your family is really into the lucky vibe. It’s one thing to wear, like, something that’s more orange than brown this close to your grandad’s death, it’s another thing to wear what sounds like a textbook good event shirt.
Honestly, YTA
You picked a fight and were being stubborn at your grandfather’s memorial to make it about yourself.
From your own cultural background, you knew red was insensitive and rude to be wearing. Apologize to your sister and family.
And just because someone else was rude doesn’t excuse YOUR own behavior
YTA, pretty self explanatory.
YTA
She said you were not supposed to wear red.
You agreed by saying “and?”
You sound have just told her that you didn’t not feel like you were supposed to wear red.
Instead, you didn’t think she was worthy of the explanation you gave to a bunch of internet strangers.
You left her feeling like you had no problem disrespecting family.
Red rag to the bull OP. You needn’t have worn any of the prohibited colours for a few days at the very least..it feels like you did this deliberately?