18m was hanging out with a couple friends for this I’ll call them Luke and David.
Luke is gay, and recently got a boyfriend his first relationship. We were just talking about it asking him stuff and we knew this person before, or we knew it was a FWB turned more. And David Joked he knew it was more when Luke snapped him back with his head on the guys chest and then several hours later when David opened it and replied and snaps Luke back, Luke replies with a snap in the exact same position.
I’m like ugh what the fuck why you sending snaps like that. Luke was like what am I meant to do not reply to people when we’re like that and I say he can angle his camera away to not show anything and Luke says well that just comes across rude and he doesn’t think about it which fair enough.
Then I’m like wait you said your heads on HIS chest and Luke said yeah? And I joke sorry though you were the top and Luke laughed. And I say wait so like you’re the little spoon and he gets a bit awkward and doesn’t say first but then is like yeah every time can’t lie. And I say nah that’s unacceptable.
David asks what are you talking about. I say it just doesn’t feel right, ruins the dynamic you know. Not that I’m gay so can’t speak with authority but that doesn’t sit right with me at all. David then says so when his girlfriend plays with hair is he gay? And I said no because that’s different. The roles aren’t as flexible there. But Luke’s gotta maintain his position or he’ll wake up one morning to a scare and we all laugh.
I say I have an uncomfortable question but a really good one and Luke SAYS ITS OKAY TO ASK. I say so when you’re doing that do you ever playfully grind back on it when you’re spooning but setting up for more like a girl does even though you’re the top. David starts HOWLING with laughter and saying that’s actually a really good question.
Luke just gives me this DISGUSTED look out of nowhere and starts having a go at me saying I’m making him feel bad. Like his word was BAD, not just a bit shy about that can we stop but I’m making him feel bad????
David then agrees and says I’m being really weird and inappropriate and I say you just agreed it was a good question and he says yeah but not one you’re meant to ask. You’re crossing the line a bit. I say nah but you’s where laughing though and David said to be honest it should’ve been obvious Luke wasn’t happy from the start and I call him out for being a massive hypocrite and Luke tells us to stop and we talk about something else.
But nah what they were both laughing and suddenly both randomly turn on me? The escalation surely was justified by the fact it seemed okay? And I know text doesn’t convey the tone everything I said was in an exaggerated jokey tone, it’s a specific type of humour but one we all use.
YTA – It sounds like it was not just the question, but the slow build-up of prejudiced remarks. From criticizing the way that he snaps, to how he spends time with his partner, to his relationship and dynamics being “different” from David’s – you were really building up some casual homophobia.
Yes, if the question was asked in different spirits maybe it could have gone differently but how it was asked makes YTA.
There’s nothing wrong with bottoming. The way you talked made it sound like if your friend bottomed you wouldn’t accept him. Most people don’t perfectly stick to topping or bottoming every time and will try something different eventually. Especially because your friend is seeing someone else really enjoy bottoming right? So it’s normal to get curious.
Also OP you sound like you’re getting a little curious yourself. Which is fine! But if you’re uncomfortable with your own curiosity, could be part of what is driving you to ask these questions in demeaning ways.
YTA. this is a weird question to ask a friend regardless of gender or sexual preference.
YTA who cares if he’s a top or not? Why are you being so weird
YTA it wasn’t an inappropriate photo and it wasn’t sent to you
YTA.
It started as jokes, but once it got sexual and personal about his relationship and role, that’s where it stopped being funny. Laughing doesn’t equal consent and people laugh when they’re uncomfortable all the time.
Intent matters less than impact. He told you he felt bad. That’s the signal to stop, not debate whether it was “allowed.”
You don’t need to be a villain here, just own it, apologize, and move on.
I didn’t consider his laughing was out of discomfort which I guess yeah could’ve been though it did seem really genuine though so it was hard for me to know that. But thanks something to consider.
YTA and you’re being really weird about this whole thing. Who cares how he cuddles with his boyfriend? You come off kind of misogynistic and homophobic. And your questions really crossed the line.
YTA. Your comments were homophobic, and your questions were invasive and overly personal. You were extremely rude and inappropriate. Any laughter was probably out of discomfort more than anything.
YTA. No question about it. You made your gay friend uncomfortable by expecting him to A) adhere to some weird gender role that you’ve assigned him, and B) answer questions about his sex life that are absolutely none of your business. Not only are you being homophobic, but downright invasive.
To clarify, I don’t expect him to suddenly start acting a certain way with his boyfriend. It was all a joke.
YTA. You claim he is your friend but you sure aren’t treating him like one. You were way out of line.
When clueless straight men project all their fetid heteronormative baggage all over the place.
YTA