Hi all! This is my first reddit post and I’m posting because I feel like I’m going crazy, and I simply can’t tell if I am in the wrong here. So I, 16f and my friend, lets call her C (also 16f), recently fell out. About a week before everything happened, she completely stopped talking to me. We hung out basically everyday so this was definitely strange. I tried to talk to her, asking or texting if she was okay or how she was, but these got ignored, or one or two word responses before she would walk away. This really hurt, and we had previously had conversations about talking to each other if we felt uncomfortable, but it felt wrong not asking how she was first and just going straight into blaming or saying ‘we need to talk.’. During this time, my mental health was plummeting, and my therapist advised me to leave school on Wednesday night instead of my planned Thursday afternoon for break (please keep in mind we go to a boarding school). So I leave school only telling who needed to know and my best friend, because she asked. That Thursday was my birthday, when everything fell apart. My best friend called me in class to show me some of the work and I hear her ask C if she wants to say happy birthday. She declines in a stern tone and I can even see the expression on my friends face go sour. So, I text C after the call saying ‘I love you, C. She responds by saying she loves me but needs to think about our friendship. This really confused me so i responded with ‘I don’t think you love me anymore and I would just prefer if you told me how you feel instead of icing me out of your life’. Which I can recognize might’ve been a lot but it truly felt as if she had not love for me anymore. She said she didn’t like how I immediately assumed she was mad at me (which I didn’t think) and that she wasn’t ignoring me on purpose. Again I was confused as she said she needed time to think about our friendship and she deliberately ignored me that morning. Then she responded with this:
1. You told me our gift giving was on Friday when you KNEW you were leaving on Wednesday, when I TOLD YOU that I got you a gift 2. I’ve had to have the same conversation like four times over where if you’re pissed at me JUST TELL ME instead of just sulking 3. You act like I’m supposed to know that you’re asking me “are you okay” because you need to talk to me, the last couple times you asked was in the middle of class while we were doing work. If I knew you were wanting to talk about something, I would’ve done it.
She says she needs to rethink our friendship and for now we shouldn’t be friends. Its a little over a month later, and I’m still struggling with this, and now she’s started talking poorly to me to my friends and roommate. Saying I got her bad gifts or just saying shitty stuff about me. I will update with more details if needed but this is plummeting my mental health and I really need an outside opinion, AITA?
nta i am so confused
what are you confused about I can try and help with some context?
Soft YTA the issue is you’re thinking from a self-centered place and then acting on that instead of stopping to think more. If your friend gets distant with you and isn’t very chatty, there are a ton of possible reasons for that and only one is that she’s mad at you and being passive aggressive instead of speaking to you. She may have been feeling tired, overwhelmed from school, personal issues, etc. For some people, when they’re emotionally/mentally drained, speaking is a lot of effort. So its self-centered for you to assume her change in demeanor is because of you and not the million other aspects of her life. Like you went home on Wed instead of Thurs, that wasn’t because of her, that was because of other stuff you discussed with your therapist, but you didn’t tell her any of that before you left, you just did. So it would be wrong for her to assume you left early to ditch her.
And if someone is being short with you, even if it IS aimed at you, you shouldn’t be going up to them asking why they’re mad or telling them your love them, that’s either smothering them or creating an unhealthy dynamic between you. You give them space and wait for them to come to you with their problem and then discuss it.
She sent you a list of issues. You should address those NOT defensively making excuses but acknowledging what she’s got issues with and address how you understand that and will do things differently in the future. Say “I’m sorry I forgot we were going to exchange gifts on Friday, I left early on my therapist’s advice, there’s been some stuff weighing on me lately and I forgot. And I’m sorry I’ve been smothering and badly communicating lately – I noticed a change in your behavior and assumed it was aimed at me, but I realize now that that’s in my head and my issue and I should have just asked if YOU were doing ok instead of making it about me. I hope you have a good break.”
Then don’t contact her again until she contacts you, don’t initiate any conversations until you see her in person again, prove to her you can hear and respect her space.
I totally get you here. Thank you for responding. I had to cut out a lot to fit into the word count so let me add just some context which might change up a little of what you’re saying? I totally considered the millions of other reasons she could be upset- those were my first thoughts before ever thinking it was about me. What made me start overthinking everything was that my best friend i mentioned told me that C started talking poorly about me earlier that week when the ignoring began- so that really made me spiral. Also I get what you mean with the smothering LOL, it seems so so so much like that out of context looking at my post. Its not out of the ordinary for us to just text “I love you” or “I care about you” out of the blue/ if someone seems off. I see how it might’ve been bad timing here though. And I never went up to her to ask why she was mad (though she did that to me a lot so your comment is giving me new perspective), i always started with are you okay or how are you. She would either say “fine” or something curt, or just ignore me. And in regards to the list of issues I apologized and acknowledged everything but also we have had the conversation before of approaching if something was wrong which she didn’t allow me to do so i couldn’t even address any of the other issues with her.
ANYWAY! thanks for your reply! and let me know if you have any other advice. Also the mock up response you sent was basically what I sent her in response, so if that helps with any context…