I (17 F) and my friend (18 F) have hung out since meeting in high school, I go to a very strict school where you might walk in the classroom the first day with 20 people and graduate with ten of them. It’s stressful and honestly the first three years were an awful experience, to the point where some of us would fear professors and most of the time, to this day, at least two of us cry or panic during tests.
The first years were seriously hard for me mostly because I had a long depressive period and I still didn’t have a diagnosis for my autism which led me to totally relay on outside validation.
So here comes in my friend, she had “adopted” me into her friend group and honestly I did enjoy it, she was fun to be around and we started taking the bus together in the morning.for the first year she had been fine, I had managed to mask my problems well enough also because we hadn’t warmed up to each other. Second year was shit for both, she got bad grades and started going through a rough patch of her own, she started dumping her problems on me, each talk turned into something about how bad she felt and how everything was going wrong, I tried to help her as much as I could, which turned into late night calls in the middle of the week, and heavier issues for both.
At that point I fell back into some of my ‘bad habits’ and had serious problems keeping up with her issues as well as mine, I wanted to tell her parents but I had barely ever met them and didn’t want to go behind her back, I was scared and started offering favors to her. It was homework, research, translations(we do ancient languages), I changed my studying method to help her, she started depending on me for school matters and after she got better started threatening me to cut contact with me unless I kept helping her , I felt responsible and kept going.
Right now we have to prepare a simulation of our graduation exam, she’s having a hard time because she’s recently lost her grandma she grew up with and now is demanding I prepare her exam. I think that the word ‘exam’ immediately made me uncertain about helping her, this test is important grade-wise but especially to get ready for the exam. She waited last moment cause she counted on me to do it but our classmates heard me and her argue about this and one of the friends we have in common has been blaming me for the situation saying she’s grieving and I should help her.
At this point I feel awful cause it is my fault I ‘helped’ her up to now and she’s gotten used to it, and cause I’d be refusing to help her when she really needs it, but I’m worried if I don’t stop this it will go on until the real exam. So, am I the asshole for denying to help her with the exam?
I don’t know what you mean by prepare her exam, but if she’s needing help she needs to reach out to the teacher. Possibly get a tutor. Do not help her with anything related to any exam as that’s getting close to cheating which is an academic integrity issue. Which would affect both of you, up to and including expulsion in many cases. You can share tips on how you study, but I wouldn’t go further than that. Please let her parents know what’s going on so they can help her. I’d recommend stepping back from the friendship until after the exam. Possibly until you’ve had a chance to reconsider the friendship. She isn’t coming across as a friend, just someone who wants to use you. NTA.
We are basically doing a simulation of the spoken exam since we are mid year, from February we have to start preparing the thesis, so a teacher assigned us subjects to prepare a portion of a theoretical exam on. My school doesn’t do ulterior researching on who did what, especially the teacher that gave us this work in the first place, so I wouldn’t be in trouble, still I wanted to set down boundaries
NTA? You definitely shouldn’t have started to help her as it’s not benefiting her at all. She is grieving, however you’re not her therapist and she needs to know that. Tell her you’re here for her and understand she’s going through a lot, but it’s downplaying on your mental health and you cannot play the therapist role for her. Offer her advice to seek help somewhere else. Next time stick to your work only!
Draw a clear boundary with her. It’s not your responsibility to carry the entirety of her burden, but if you want to help out in some way there’s nothing stopping you. Otherwise it’ll just brew resentment between you
My dear, this girl is not your friend. She’s using you for a number of things, including being her emotional support human and doing her school work.
You know that she isn’t learning anything by having you do it. She’s gotten used to you doing it for her and has grown lazy and demanding. Why else would she threaten to cut you off if you stop helping her? Friends DO NOT act like that! What she is doing is blackmailing you, plain and simple. What happens if she decides to increase the stakes?
It’s nice to feel needed by someone, but that should go both ways. What has she done to help you? What positive things does she bring to the relationship? If it’s just having a person around, there are MANY people in this world who are friends without draining you emotionally.
It’s sad that her grandmother died, and I’m sure she is grieving. However, her life isn’t going to simply stop until she decides she’s ready to face the world. If she’s truly struggling, her parents need to address it. If you don’t feel comfortable doing so, perhaps you could speak to a counselor at your school who could make the contact.
While she may be in need, that need is not necessarily yours to fill. If your classmates are saying you should, tell them you have too much going on at the moment, and they are more than welcome to help her. See how many of them suddenly aren’t available.