So for context my husband and I have been planning a family holiday for the past couple of years. Our eldest is sixteen and our youngest is now at the age where she’ll remember the vacation. I’ve been saving and putting money aside for my flights and half for the kids flights.
I’ve been telling my husband for the past few months that I want to book the flights in January. We recently sold our house and I even put some of his money aside so he wouldn’t spend it. He’s now had to use some of his saved money to pay parking fines.
I’ve basically told him that I’m going to book mine and the kids flights and he can book his flight when he has the money. He’s then said ‘Well it doesn’t feel like a family holiday, doesn’t even feel like you want me there’ and I can’t help but feel this is emotional manipulation on his part. I’ve said I’m booking the flights anyway because I’m not going to let the kids down because he can’t manage his money and I’m done mothering him.
He’s now not talking to me and was slamming things around downstairs, obviously angry, but I don’t feel that we should suffer because of his financial incompetence. I’ve pretty much spent the past five years bailing us out whenever we’re short on money and I just can’t afford to keep doing it…
Am I being an a\*\*hole here? Should I just cover his ticket now so we can all go and hope he’ll pay me back?
NTA, sounds like you have a whole other child you didnt birth living in your home
NTA – Obviously this is less than ideal, but you have a problem bigger than this particular vacation.
Also, how expensive are parking tickets?
Serious question…why are you married to someone that you have to constantly bail out financially and “mother”? Like, what is he bringing to this relationship that’s keeping you around?
You don’t have to answer, but you should take some time and think about it.
While you’re at it, think about if this is the kind of relationship you want your children to have in the future. Because you are modeling to them that financial irresponsibility, angry outbursts, and emotional manipulation are valid ways for a partner to behave.
Also, as a kid, I would be really sad if my dad didn’t come with me on vacation as a family in this situation tbh
So mom should suffer because of dad’s consistent financial mismanagement and emotional outbursts?
Families should have family accounts so the family can pay family expenses. If people are married, and have both legally and in practice blended their lives, and have created new lives that they are raising together, then they should act like the unit they are supposed to be and not keep track of who pays for what or you end up with crap like dad being left behind on a family vacation. If dad is financially inept then mom should manage the family’s money. Not everyone has the same strengths and that’s ok. As long as you work together as a family on everything, the family will be stronger. Keep track of who paid for what, did what part of whatever chore and the chance of a happy and sustained life is dramatically reduced. Score keeping is a marriage death knell. Now, if dad brings nothing to the table and is just a drain on mom rather than a partner with complementary skills, then mom should divorce dad and go it alone or find a more worthy partner.
idk, might be one of those situations where the dad’s a debbie downer and just poops all over everything. They might be glad he’s not there, whining about how he had to GASP buy his tickets.
I feel like there’s a lot of missing information and unresolved issues that have led to this blowup. Seems like there is more to this. I don’t think it’d be fair for the kids to miss out but it may be the beginning of the end of this marriage. I don’t think you’re an AH, but you both need to talk and figure this out, at least for the sake of the kids and what they are seeing/experiencing.
How much was his share of the house money? How much were the parking tickets? I feel like a LOT is missing from this story.
ESH. Doesn’t seem to be a partnership at all. I mean – I get separate finances, but there’s also finances for joint things – like vacations. You two need to learn to work as a team…
ESH (except the kids).
You are speaking like you’ve been living like roommates rather than spouses. You sold your house and you put some off “his” money away? Did you split the proceeds from the house sale?
There’s a whole pile of info that’s missing here because spouses don’t just get to this point spontaneously.
PS – What you do to your husband, you do to your children’s father.
If the husband had been financially responsible with “his” money then he wouldn’t have run out of money for the sake of parking tickets.
OP was able to afford her ticket and the kids tickets. He can’t afford his. His money is his problem, but despite being partially bailed out by his wife saving for him he still can’t afford it. This is the type of bloke who bankrupts his wife then moves on to the next woman because his wife can’t stand dealing with his nonsense anymore.
This. I got sick and had medical debt but what really sealed the bankruptcy is the debt my ex husband got us into. Managing someone else’s finances takes a whole other mental toll no one wants to talk about. I make significantly less than him (I’m at the poverty limit and he makes $80-100k) and he never has money despite living in his parents home.
ESH (not the kids). Why so much focused on separate finances? Who books plane tickets for 3/4 of their family and expects the other member to buy a separate ticket? Everyone (adult) involved is making the entire situation more complicated than it needs to be