hello I am a 29F and my long distance best friend is also 29F. a year or so ago we both started a weight loss journey, mine included going to the gym and cutting out bad foods while her’s included getting weight loss surgery and sticking to that diet. I want to point out I am very proud of her and all she has accomplished, she finally is smaller than me by twenty pounds and that is something she never thought was possible. I bring that up because when she talks about her weight loss she always tells people we know, including me, how she is now finally "smaller than (my name)." and how she can’t wear my clothes because now they will be too big, this is a lie we are still the same size in shirts and dresses.
I bring all this up because tonight she did her weekly "I don’t see myself different in the mirror" text to me, waiting for me to go off about how skinny she is now. I usually do.this for her but I realized my own ED has been acting up worse whenever I do it. I decided to tell her I was super proud of her and to quote the texts I sent her: "Progress isn’t always physical appearance, a lot has to do with on the inside. I can scream from the rooftops about how good you look But that doesn’t matter if you don’t feel good or like you did something. I am so proud of you."
she didn’t respond to me but I didn’t think much of it since we are adults and are in different time zones. that was until her husband sent me a message on Facebook telling me I upset her with what I said and that we need to tell her that she looks good and talk about how good she looks until she believes it.
no I apologize to her, letting her know I didn’t mean to upset her and I quote "I was only trying to tell you that even if you don’t see the difference you feel the difference and that’s just as important."
she hasn’t responded and I feel like crap because I am meant to be her cheerleader but I don’t want her to put all her value on how skinny she is or how she looks on the outside.
so am I the asshole?
NTA, you just spat some inspiring facts.
NAH. Your intention was clearly supportive, but she’s in a really vulnerable headspace right now and probably wanted validation more than a reframing. When someone is struggling with body image, “it doesn’t matter how you look” can land as “you don’t look that different,” even if that’s not what you meant. You weren’t wrong, just mismatched in what she needed in that moment. A simple “you look amazing and I’m proud of you” probably would’ve gone further, and you can still follow that up later with the deeper stuff.
But does she have to do this daily?
NTA. Being friends is one thing, but it seems to me that she’s using you to make herself feel better.
NTA. You were still supportive and it has been costing you your positive headspace. Honestly the fact that you both were doing this journey but she uses you as a reference isn’t the kindest thing. I think you’ve been nicer than I ever could be.
Nta, but she’s only fishing for compliments because she’s insecure about how she looks. I wouldn’t enable this because it’ll probably only get worse.
NTA and stop feeding her ego. It sounds like she’s needs therapy rather than people telling her that they think she looks good. You did the right thing and should continue to do the right thing by telling her she needs to also do the internal work.
NTA, but pick your friends carefully… this person clearly only wants you around so they can feel better about themselves
NTA. You gave a healthy response and protected your own mental health, which matters. You’re her friend, not her hype machine on demand. If she needs constant validation about looks, that’s something she has to work through, not outsource to you.
NTA, sounds like she needs a therapist rather than a friend here
NTA and from where I sit, your friend is competitive with you.
>when she talks about her weight loss **she always tells people we know, including me**, how she is now finally “smaller than (my name).” and how she can’t wear my clothes because now they will be too big, **this is a lie we are still the same size in shirts and dresses**.
…she did her **weekly** “I don’t see myself different in the mirror” text to me, **waiting for me to go off about how skinny she is now.**
…**her husband sent me a message** on Facebook telling me I upset her with what I said and that **we need to tell her that she looks good and talk about how good she looks until she believes it.**
Your friend needs therapy, not people telling her how good she looks until she believes it. Maybe she believes that or has made her husband believe it but her needing to be told it until she believes it (from those around her) is a bunch of baloney.
Because your friend believes this, she’s constantly finding a way to get compliments. Now she could do this without comparing the both of you? Of course she could and that’s the thing: why’s she doing that? She’s either jealous, competitive, or out of touch. No matter what it is, it’s her problem and you don’t need to be a part of this journey for her. I’d advise you to speak with her as gingerly as possible about your discomfort but something tells me that she’ll just weaponize your words and victimize herself in order to garner sympathy from her husband and others socially.
There’s quite a bit of distance between you physically and you’re not hanging out much or often. This gives you a lot of control and opportunity to find something else to occupy yourself with while you give her a little more space to get the help that she needs or to tell herself that she looks good until she believes it.
You’re not responsible for her insecurity.
NTA – but why are you friends with somebody who is secretly in competition with you, especially physically?
She doesn’t care if her words sting to you, but demands you encourage her in a very specific way, that requires degrading you yourself. You need to stop enabling her for your own mental health. If her husband wants to continue to, then he’s well within his rights to do so, but he cannot demand you do the same.
Are you her cheerleader or punching bag?
You have to tell her how good she looks.
She can tell everyone shes smaller than you.
Really? She sounds pretty toxic. If shes causing you so much stress it triggers your ED, is it worth it? Is she ever your cheerleader? Where is the support for you?
Shes now giving you the silent treatment because you did not perform to her specifications. Is she really your friend?
NTA and congratulations on your weight loss journey, its bloody hard. Dont keep people around who make it harder.