Since we were young, my mother always bailed my sister out from situations rising from her bad decision, stubbornness, impulsiveness. In the past I would get mad at my mother for enabling my sister, handing her more financial assistance than me to help her out and so forth. Compounding years of this has caused me to be distant from my mom (among other things). It was affecting my well being and so I decided that I would stay low contact with my mom to diffuse the hurt and pain. And it worked. Throughout the years she would continue to help my sister financially, helped her after her 1st marriage failed, then her second, financed x number of business ventures my sister would get into and would close shop, give her money, etc. Not just my sister but my mom’s nephews and nieces down to their kids. She would pay for their school, give them what they would ask for (although not big ticket items), even offered a niece-in-law to pay for her legal fees because of some child support issues with my mom’s loser of a nephew. In fairness, my mom has given me financial help as well but nowhere near my sister’s et al. I navigated through the ups & downs of life pretty much on my own – getting a second job to support what we call life, buckling down on expenses to make ends meet, working 2 jobs and going to school so that I could have a better future, pivoting to a different career as I could no longer do my main job anymore, kept pushing to where I am today.
Yesterday my sister called me and my mom that she is going to lose her job as her work is closing. My mother asked me if my sister can use a portion of our shared family income (rental properties). At any other point I would have just given a direct non-emotional response. To my surprise, it struck something, and I felt something in me break and I snapped. I don’t know if I just had enough resentment, the feeling of being left out just because I do not ask and I am not needy and I don’t put myself in jeopardizing situations, or hearing the stories of what she had done for and given her nephews and nieces in addition to my sister. I basically feel like the forgotten child. So I snapped. And I told her that I resent her. I made it clear why I resented her. I told her pretty much that I have tried to do my parents good but where has it left me. In a way I feel bad because it is not my sister’s fault why she is losing her job. I also feel like I should have been more empathetic to my mother who was only concerned for her child. But I could not control my emotions and anger. So much anger. Later that night I wrote her a message explaining where my resentment came from. I told her I was tired of the heartaches repeating over and over. Not just figuratively. I am literally having chest pains. So last night I made the decision that it is best to go no contact. My mom just looked at my message (not sure if she read it) and did not even respond. AITA for telling my mom I resent her and going no contact?
Edit: Shared Family Income – from our rental properties that I have actively managed and taken care of that the three of us collectively use for trips, eating out, savings etc. It is not being divided proportionally. So if one chooses and asks to solely get money from the account, as how it is set up right now, the other 2 people would have lesser money to consume as the balance would still be shared by 3 people.
NTA, your feelings are valid. Now you have made your mother aware, its on her to try and make things right or not. You have to do what is good for you. Good luck x
Admittedly, your mother has helped you out here and there but she’s been enabling your sister’s helplessness and poor choices her whole life. It’s understandable that you’re frustrated that now you’re being asked to sacrifice for your sister.
If your shared family income (??INFO on that, please) is meant to where everyone gets their portion, then it’s not as if your sister won’t be receiving anything at all. She will receive her portion and will have to make it work and make sacrifices the way you have always needed to. You’ve never wanted to be a burden to your family and your sister has never minded being one. She will be the one incapable of handling life once your parents are gone.
You can’t be upset if your mother chooses to use her income on all these other people, that’s her money and her choice. But you can be upset with being asked to sacrifice income that you should rightfully receive.
My vote is NAH. You can be asked, but have the right to say no. You can be frustrated with the enabling and your sister’s entitlement but your mother has the right to help her as much as she wants to as long as it doesn’t infringe on what is yours.
NTA, I can understand your feelings. I lived with the same situation. Maybe your mother will realize your feelings of hurt after this. Im doubting your sister will. It would not be advantageous for her to. Maybe your Mom will reach out to you but if not. You worry about fixing you and living happy life.
INFO: I don’t understand how you’re LC but you have “shared family income?” Do you live with your mom? Do you pay money to support the home your mom lives in?
Sorry just added an edit.
Who paid for the rental properties? If all three of you did, did you all put in an equal amount of money?
Are you the only one managing the properties? If so, do you receive a regular fee, or greater proportion of the earnings?
I mean, it definitely sounds like you’ve been treated unfairly… I’m curious whether this is an issue you’ve raised with your mother in the past? Not just the fact that your sister and cousins receive more money, but you feeling like the “forgotten child”?
When you were struggling, did you ever ask your mom for help? If so, what did she say?
I’m surprised that you went in on the rental properties with your sister and mom, considering the fact that they (and, specifically, their relationship with money) has been such a source of pain and aggravation for you.
Yes, time to split out those properties. You are all adults. You should be in sole control of your finances.
What do you mean by shared family income?
I don’t understand what “shared family income is.”
NTA. As someone that went no contact with my mom and all but one sibling, I understand where you are coming from. There is only so much of it you can take. You said how you feel, let them come to you now, and if they don’t, you’re better off.
INFO: Can you share more information on the “shared rental income”? Because it sounds like you are receiving financial support from your mother while framing yourself as independent and struggling to make ends meet without a second job. If you didn’t buy these properties, then your mother isn’t asking you to help out your sister. Its not your money.
Additionally, have you asked your mother for support and she has said no? Because it looks like you acknowledge that your mother has helped you out, its just that she has helped your sister out more. If the reason for that is because your sister is asking and you are not, then you have no right to be upset.
I am open to changing my vote with more information, but I am leaning towards YTA right not because you seem a little bit entitled. Going “no contact” with a parent (that may or may not be providing you with financial support) because they give more money to your sister is a little silly and this might be something that is better handled with a therapist.
No honey, it’s all good. Now she knows too.
NTA and well done. Now the hard part. She might not necessarily respond in a way sympathetic to you. All the same You’re ready for no contact so don’t sweat it.
ESH, whether its having the silver spoon, or being jealous of those being fed by it currently.
Your emotions are valid, but if this isn’t the definition of “my steak is too juicy and my lobster too buttery.” -_-;