My husband and I both work full time and have three teens (18, 16, and 14) at home. The kids are good kids. Good grades, no trouble at school, and my oldest is even taking college courses in high school. We don’t have chores and don’t pay for them. We call them contributions because everyone contributes to the household since they live here. We’ve done this since they were young.
I handle making appointments, getting everyone to them, keeping track of schedules, who needs money and when, making the grocery list, shopping (husband goes with me), meal planning, cooking four nights a week with three fend-for-yourself nights, and making sure they have rides to activities. I don’t complain much because this is my part. Everyone does their own laundry and makes their own food three nights a week. My husband handles more of the yard, cars, bills, and house maintenance.
What I ask of the kids regularly is pretty minimal. Put things back where they belong, sweep and mop, take out trash, feed and water the animals, and wipe counters. I believe that if I cook, I shouldn’t have to clean afterward, especially since I’m exhausted. I’m not a messy cook and I clean as I go, even loading dishes if the dishwasher is available.
All five of us have ADHD, some medicated and some not, so reminders are constant and things often don’t get done unless I get mad. I’ve tried charts, rotating schedules, timers, you name it. We’re not filthy or overly clean, just somewhere in the middle. I have a medical disease that requires me to be on oxygen about 75% of the time and will eventually end in a transplant. As much as I try not to let it hinder me, my condition does limit what I can do. The house doesn’t get deep cleaned like it should because I don’t have the energy or can’t tolerate cleaners very well.
Today the kids stayed home for an appointment. Afterward, they came to visit me at work. When they left at noon, I asked them to rotate loading the dishwasher based on availability. I said I wanted to come home to a clean sink. Between the three of them, I thought it would get done at least once. It didn’t. When I got home, one kid was home, one at practice, and one with dad. When I asked, I was met with “I was after them” and “I fell asleep.”
On the way to practice pickup, I wondered if I should stop doing everything I do to contribute. I’ve expressed my frustration over the years and tried mini strikes, like not cooking if the kitchen isn’t clean, but it doesn’t seem to affect them much. When I got back, one kid had loaded the dishwasher and cleaned the living room. I didn’t yell or take anything away. I just withdrew to my room. Now they’re laughing and playing while I’m being “crabby”. But I’ll wake up to a clean sink.
So my question is WIBTA if I went on a mom strike and stopped doing everything I do? Or is this just what I signed up for when I had kids? I feel like I need to teach them how to live without me, but I also feel responsible for taking care of them.
NTA. Calling it a “mom strike” might not stress the lesson you want to teach, but setting boundaries for respect and responsibility is vital. Remember, raising independent adults is the endgame here. It’s about teaching accountability, not starting a rebellion at home. You got this!
NTA.
So what does your husband do? It sounds to me that you carry both the physical AND the mental load of the household. On top of a full time job. Just stop. Let the house fall into rack and ruin.
Don’t do another, single, thing.
Go to bed early. Watch tv in bed and relax. Don’t cook. Let the rest of the family do the cooking. And cleaning the kitchen. And grocery shipping. And laundry. And EVERYTHING. Why are you doing it all? Not once have you mentioned your husband doing any ‘contributions’. Sounds like you are making all the contributions.
I mean, why would anyone in your family do anything when they have trained you to be their free housekeeper and cook, etc. As a kid, I certainly wouldn’t bother doing anything for you because I know you will eventually do it. Why would I? Mum’s going to do it. She always does!
Your family has trained you well.
No, you wouldn’t. I feel like this is my story 100%. 3 teens, a husband that does the less often but slightly more physical chores, kids that have basic “clean up after yourself and do your part” chores. It’s so frustrating
NTA for being fed up but where is your husband? Can he not parent his kids?
And how much housework does the husband do? That wasn’t mentioned. They both work. He and the kids should be doing all the physical housework as her medical condition will make it harder for her to do. And she has to handle all the mental load of the household.
NTA- If your family can laugh while you’re struggling to breathe, they don’t value your labor. Stepping back is the only way to teach them responsibility before they have to learn it the hard way.
NTA. I’d take a different approach though. In ADHD households, reminders alone don’t work; behaviors need immediate, consistent consequences. Right now there aren’t any that really matter, so nothing changes.
Instead of a mom strike, I’d go with a clear “no contribution = no privileges” system (rides, Wi-Fi, spending money, etc.). That’s not punishment, it’s cause and effect.
If they don’t contribute, they don’t get privileges. Period.
No rides to social stuff or extracurriculars beyond what’s required
Wi-Fi pauses, gaming systems locked, phones restricted
No spending money, no favors, no schedule flexibility
Also, it sounds like you’re the only parent consistently setting expectations. Your husband needs to be part of enforcing consequences, otherwise the kids just wait it out.
Don’t call it a “Mom Strike” – but do hold them accountable for growing up.
I also wouldn’t just “stop doing everything” without communication – instead – communicate “Since you didn’t do the dishes for the le last x days as requested, and I had to cover them – for the next x days – you all need to cover A, B, & C. Turn it into a lesson rather than a petty squabble; and yes – Teach your kids how to take care of themselves.
Warning, though – a problem you are likely to encounter is there are things that will bother you, but they won’t care about (e.g. *most teenage boys couldn’t care less about a pile of laundry in the corner of a room – whereas for you it might drive you up the wall*!);
For me: having dishes piled in the sink is something that bothers me, even if it’s just for an hour or two, let alone days — but a miscelaneous pike of boxes? I’ve got 3 of them that have lasted between 1 and 5 years… they’re just… there… That same pile of boxes would infurate my sister – but she has no problem with dishes in the sink for 2-5 days… the dishes only becoming a problem when she needs to use them again and they’re still dirty.
So choose the chores appropriately – something that will impact you the least, and them the most, if not completed or completed badly. Something that they will notice and actually care about. That is; things **they** care about rather than things **you** care about.
They sound like typical teens to me. It’s why we’re happy when they move out. (Sort of kidding).
It seems that the problem is your husband. Why doesn’t he do some of the organizing or cleaning after a meal.
NTA but why are you making it your kids problem that your husband is useless most days?
When my awesome stepmom got fed up with 4 kids and a too-busy husband she would leave for a week to go camping with her best friend. Once it was for 3 weeks!
We got the message and she came home to a clean house and humbled family. It didn’t happen that often but it worked.
Soft YTA start moving some habitual chores to your husband and start treating him like a parent as well. (yard, cars and house maintenance are hardly chores, paying bills is not a chore.)
You told your kids to load the dishwasher, husband got home at some point to pick up a kid and didn’t see that the sink was full? Why didn’t he say anything?
The kids did what you asked (even if late) so that’s solved, idk why you’re sulking.
NTA but I think you could do with reframing it. tell everyone that you need them to step up a bit more because you’re a burntout with home stuff and hopefully things will fall into place without any dramatic arguing. there doesn’t need to be blame at this point, you’re struggling and they’re forgetful
I’m a single mom. I do all of it. The home, yard, and auto maintenance is nothing compared to the cleaning/cooking/managing that you’re doing. 1/10 of the time. And that includes a veggie garden (a very neglected one!!) and doing my own firewood, about 2-3 cords per year.
Your husband needs to do more.
The kids can do more too, but they’re harder to train, which is why the hubby should do more of that part too.
I love the idea of you taking a 2 week vacation.