38F, my boyfriend is 35M. We’ve been together 5 years, living together for 4. Things look fine from the outside, but I keep noticing the same pattern: whenever I’m scared, sick, overwhelmed, or need support, I end up handling it alone. When I bring it up, he says I’m dramatic or overreacting.
Some examples.
We went to his cousin’s wedding on a small island (one main road, no taxis). We rented e-bikes. Both bikes died in the middle of nowhere on an uphill stretch. Cars were flying past. I’m small and not strong and I started panicking. I asked him to call the bike shop. He said it would be embarrassing. I got overwhelmed and told him to just go.
He immediately rode off and left me there.
I eventually made it back in tears. The bike owner couldn’t believe we tried riding them back ourselves. My boyfriend acted totally fine about it and got annoyed that I was upset. We basically never talked about it again.
About a year later we went to a friend’s rave. After about an hour I told him I was cold and overwhelmed and wanted to leave. He had taken drugs and wanted to stay, but walked me to the exit. At the door he suddenly turned around and went back inside. My friends started texting me to make sure I got home safe. He never checked in. Later he said he didn’t text because I would’ve “overreacted.”
Then a few months later I had really bad abdominal pain and almost called an ambulance. We were both working from home. I stabilized later but I was still shaky and sweating and scared I might pass out. That night he went out with friends until 2–3am. He doesn’t understand why that hurt me.
Last thing: for my birthday I asked for a small weekend trip instead of a party. I already had flights covered with points and had found a place. He told me not to book it and said he’d handle everything. I trusted him. I checked in a couple times. The trip never happened. I still had a nice local birthday, but I don’t understand why he took over planning something important to me and then just let it die. I would’ve booked it myself.
He says these are isolated incidents and that I’m too sensitive.
To me it feels like a pattern. When I really need him, he’s just… not there.
So AITA for questioning the whole relationship over this?
INFO: why do you put up with so many incidents that obviously hurt you?
Probably a multitude of things. 6 months ago (after the rave incident) when he continually wouldn’t recognize why I was upset I did initiate a breakup – he was very upset and asked for time to prove himself. He did improve, but he still went out drinking the day I had the abdominal issues and generally didn’t show up (domestic chores, financially, emotionally) so in December I told him I’d given him time and I wanted out. He begged to start therapy and it’s been helpful. He’s suddenly over the last month been emotionally open and supportive – he’s promising an engagement in 3 months. It just seems like a panic response and I’m not trustful that he won’t revert to old habits.
My ex panic responded when I tried leaving. Too bad for him he already put me through enough and my limit was already reached, his efforts didn’t mean anything anymore. You just haven’t gone through enough from him because when you’re really done it won’t be hard to walk away.
Why would you be – he’s “reverted to old habits” time and time again. But you say in addition to these incidents, he *generally* doesn’t show up. So it’s not just when things really go wrong in an intense way, but every day, all the time, in all the things. You’re only taking note of the bigger stories. He won’t change unless he wants to change for himself. Get out of this relationship and leave him to grow and change, or not, without you.
Find a partner that doesn’t need months and years of terrible acts, second third fourth fifth chances, and therapy to do the bare minimum of being an adult human much less in a relationship.
I bet you can’t think of a single friend of yours that would do even one of these things to you even one time, can you? Don’t give this man a pass you wouldn’t give to a casual acquaintance. Throw him out yesterday.
NTA
Why are you still with this guy?
OP… 4 posts about this relationship in the last hour? I think you know the answer about your boyfriend.
ETA: NTA for “rethinking the relationship, big AH to yourself for degrading yourself to this level.
Info: what does he bring to the relationship? How is your life with him better than without him? Does he ever show support so that these really are separated incidents?
I’m going to tell you straight up: that man does not care about you. At all. Any one of those instances is enough to call it off, let alone three.
Left you on the side of the road in a foreign place?
Didn’t check on you to see if you got home ok?
Left you alone all night after telling him you’re feeling extremely unwell?
Canceled your birthday plans so you stayed home and did nothing he said he was going to do?
Are we serious? That is not a man you can trust nor rely on. And the fact that he is dismissive of your feelings is insult to injury. You need to dump him yesterday.
Four. I think it was 4.
One of those and I would have dumped his ass. Run before you are pregnant having the baby alone in an ambulance because he is a deadbeat loser
NTA he doesn’t care about you.
NTA. He’s just not that into you. After five years, four of them, shacking, he still can’t muster a damn to give. Cut your losses nd find a guy who actually loves you.
This guy is not your person and your person is out there waiting for you to break up with this loser
Kind of sounds like he’s the asshole.
This doesn’t even sound real… that’s how bad it is.
Girl, run, run as fast as you can.