AITA? I have 3 younger adult children all whom live away from home. Son 1 (30) I will call Bobby, Son 2 (28) Billy married to Barbie (28), then daughter 22 (Bonnie) still in college & also can come home as well. Bonnie is a dancer & competes higher level for school. There are only three competitions for her. I do love to accompany her to her dances & spend quality mother daughter time. My older boys had sports events when they were younger we would attend together, now they are grown, working, etc. Son 2, Billy & his wife Barbie are pregnant with their first baby this spring. I’m so excited! Last week I was notified by Barbie’s mom that she was throwing a baby shower. Sounds great! Then she said the date. It is during the dance competition for daughter Bonnie that I already bought airline tickets across the US, hotel rooms (part of a block owned by this dance company comp) as well as tickets to the competition. Bonnie has always gotten super anxious when I’m not there. I am sad the baby shower is the same weekend as the prior arranged trip. I told my DIL & son I was disappointed not to be able to attend, but what if i threw her another party or dinner for ones who couldn’t come to that shower. My sister has a wedding that weekend and I know she would have loved to have gone to the baby shower. I was told “no one has more than one baby shower” and that I should “just cancel the dance event with Bonnie.” But I don’t think that’s fair. Also, I would be out airline money hotel money etc. Ok I could try to suck it up for purpose of my sweet new grand baby shower, but no one asked me anything about a date. Also – Billy knew his sister Bonnie competes that weekend. Also, I’m hurt I felt I was an afterthought for the party planning. I don’t do much on weekends (I’m a caregiver for my elderly parents but I hired help for the weekend I am gone for the competition) but my sons and new DIL know I always attend her major dance comps. They are a big deal, only 3 this year. Out of all the weekends that have no dance contests – none of those times worked for the baby shower? I want to be with the new mom celebrating the birth of my new grandchild & now I feel I’m the a hole because that’s like one weekend I’m out of town. The comp is in such a way I can’t fly in for part, fly back home then fly back then fly back. Or maybe I could on a private jet I can’t afford. I truly love all my children, haven’t had any issues with my wonderful new daughter in law. I’m really saddened that DIL & her mom feel I am the one ruining all of this & “making Barbie be so upset when she is pregnant and shouldn’t be upset because YOU are choosing not to come.” I offered to do anything she wanted for another shower- smaller, bigger, afterwards when we know the sex so she could get some personalized gifts, we could do a lunch or private dinner or anything! My treat! I was told no. No one does 2 baby showers nowadays I guess?
NTA
I had 4 baby showers— friends and family, work, other set of friends and another set of friends.
Hi, it’s very rude not to ensure the two grandmothers can make it when the relationships are good. And yes, multiple showers are still in style and are proper etiquette as well. So sorry this is happening.
NTA You had plans for that weekend and your son knew this.No one else asked you if you were free. It is unfair of them to expect you to eat the money that was spent prior to her mother planning this. Honestly it is unfair to you. However you are an adult and know that this is about you son, daughter in law and new grandbaby so you are doing the adult thing and offering to make it up
to her.
Two showers is a thing. Often one is given for either family or one for family and one for friends.NTA You can’t come.
Neither can your daughter or sister attend the shower.This shower was not planned with your families attendance as an importance.
This is the thing. Her whole family was frozen out without checking dates – her, the younger sister, and the aunt. That is SO RUDE on the other grandmothers part, and I’m astonished this “wonderful” DIL and her own son don’t see that, given that none of them will accept an alternate shower for people who can’t attend this one date they unilaterally picked. It’s so rude as to seem intentionally malicious or a power play.
This is likely a harbinger of bad interfamily relations to come. I hope I’m wrong and people have just temporarily lost their minds for some reason. Big NTA.
If they don’t come around, I’d be the bigger person and have a nice gift and flowers delivered on the day.
NTA, if she wants you there, the date should be changed especially since it’s still early in planning. or, she should be understanding that you have a prior engagement
NTA. You already had a trip booked and paid for. I’m kinda shocked they would actually ask you to cancel and lose money, especially if you weren’t even part of the planning process, including picking a date. Also, having multiple baby showers is definitely common. Your offer to throw another shower was kind and generous. Sounds like they are being stubborn and it’s their fault they didn’t check with you first about the date.
NTA. Especially since you said do something later after they find out the gender, I’m guessing she’s not even halfway through the pregnancy. It seems intentional that they scheduled it for that one weekend as some weird test for you. They could’ve definitely scheduled it later.
I don’t think you’re the AH! Barbie and her mom had plenty of opportunities to clear the date with you. Kinda seems like they’re trying to see who you’d choose, by picking a date that your son knows to be a conflict. If this was a competition that hadn’t already been paid for, hotels reserved and flights booked, then you’d be the AH. But, you’re already committed to the dance competition. NTA
NTA. All they had to do was give people a heads up about dates and ask around to see if there were any likely scheduling conflicts. This is your DIL’s family, metaphorically speaking, pissing on the lamp post and, I hate to say, this is going to be your lot from now on. How you handle this is going to have a huge part to play in your involvement with your future grandchild.
I have been there and got the t-shirt.
Go to your daughter’s dance event. You’ve booked it, it’s going ahead. Send DIL a gift and nice card. Meet any sniping from her mum with politeness but stick to a simple statement that this could all have been avoided with a little foresight on their part. Don’t engage in any further to-ing and fro-ing with them. It *will* backfire on you.
Maintain this attitude of polite interest. Do not start getting butthurt (I’m not American, but I loove this word) if you seem to be taking a backseat to her mum where baby is concerned. No pouting, no recriminations, no little guilt trips. Stay lovingly and nicely in the picture but don’t push yourself on her. Be a serene background presence in their lives. Eventually what happens is they get fed up with the mother’s drama llama farming and will turn to you more often.
Play the long game here. It’s worth it.
This is the response you need OP.
People have muuuultiple baby showers with different groups -.-
Your son sounds pretty self absorbed. They all seem bent on making you the bad guy When All They Needed To Do Was Communicate.
You’ve rearranged your life to attend the event w/ your daughter and now you are supposed to toss that money away? Or fly private?
Yeah, no.
Send a lovely gift and card. Go with your daughter and leave it be. If you rearrange all your plans you’ll be the bad guy for something else.
NTA
Your son seems pretty clueless about your life.
And DIL is being weird about the parties, why is that? Is it just you or is she uptight in other places in her life? How’d the wedding go? What happens during holidays?
NTA. You’ve already committed to your trip, financially and socially. You can’t be expected to back out.
Oh the shit I would stir. “It’s really unfortunate that this was planned knowing your sister had a competition that day. I didn’t realize you had an issue with her and didn’t want her to attend. What happened that was so bad you would want me to abandon her while she’s competing?”
I’m not telling you to do that I’m just saying I love to occasionally take it way too far for the hell of it.