I’m 20(M) and have been lifelong friends with Mark (19M) and Spencer (19M). All fake names cause Mark uses reddit a lot, I also won’t specify where we live. But just for context, the three of us grew up together in the same province and got into the same university in the capital city. Mark and I are roommates to save money since it’s pretty pricey to live near the university.
The thing is, I really hate smokers. I don’t mean to trauma dump, so I’ll cut the story short and say my dad died because of lung cancer. He wasn’t a smoker, but his roomie was. I’ve had a vendetta for smokers ever since, and I’m the type to cough when passing by smokers on the street. Both of my best friends know this.
I got separated from them when they switched highschools and they fell into a pretty bad crowd where they would just smoke and get wasted. I don’t want to be one of those purity culture freaks, and I originally didn’t wanna say anything cause I also don’t wanna be seen as controlling. I thought that they’d grow out of it.
But now that we’re in university, I think its gotten really out of hand. Whenever we hang out together, they separate from me and smoke together, leaving me alone in some random street. Mark would smoke in the balcony, but with the door open, so it seeps through our living room + the shared bathroom.
I keep telling them to lay off it, to at least restrict their intake because Spencer would chug a whole box in a week, but they said that its normal. I also tried to casually tell them about how dangerous it could be, but they said they wanted to die anyways. I tried reminding them about my father in our gc before but Spencer just hearted my message without even replying.
But Mark smoking inside really pissed me off. I tried to confront him about it and he said that I shouldn’t be so controlling of his life. That as a friend, I should be supporting him instead of trying to make his own decisions??? I called him out for that stupid logic and he just got mad at me because I was being judgmental, pushy, and called out how "effeminate" I was for being a purist. Like since when was smoking and drinking required to be a man?
Mark probably told Spencer, cause I got a dm about my "repeated unsolicited advice" and that I shouldn’t be a tiger parent and that I was using my father’s death as leverage over them.
I just feel really shitty that my friends would be offended at me getting worried about them or just at me setting boundaries at my own home. I feel so betrayed, and now the two of them won’t talk in the gc and Mark is almost always outside the house. I don’t really wanna lose Mark and Spencer because aside from being avid smokers, they’ve been pretty good friends. I’m trying to think about what I did wrong but I genuinely can’t understand, but then again, I think maybe I’m overreacting because smoking is a sensitive subject for me. They’re sensible people and were never like this before, so I wanna hear outside opinions on the issue.
EDIT: Theres a lot of comments so I can’t reply to all of it, but thank you for everyone’s output! I genuinely appreciate it, both positive and negative ones. I’m gonna try to change my mindset about it by being more open minded. I plan to talk to Mark when he comes home about it, to apologize and tell them that I’m trying to work on how I view smoking but to also set firm boundaries about smoking indoors since we do have to pay for any possible damages to the walls and furniture if we move out. If he doesn’t stop, I plan to move to one of the uni dorms. But do note that I am not planning on dropping my friends. They’re the few friends who stayed with me in my conservative province after finding out I was gay. One of the comments said were growing into our own people, and I guess it was inevitable. They were open minded about my sexuality so I’ll try to be about this as well.
YTA in a way.
Because the way you write the post, it feels like you want them to stop smoking period (and as sad as it makes you, it’s none of your business whether they smoke or not) .
In your home? Boundaries are fine. Outside? So long as they don’t smoke in your face, you have to decide for yourself if this is a friendship worth pursuing.
Did you say that one of your friends “would chug a whole box in a week”?
Tf are you talking about
ESH. Mark shouldn’t be smoking in the house and you can bring up your concern but that should be the end of it. Apologize for crossing the line but tell mark that you don’t want smoke in the house because of secondhand smoke and nicotine on the walls and furniture.
YTA – There is a difference between asking for them not to smoke in the house compared to nagging them about quitting. If you just asked them to stop smoking inside and when around you I would get it, but nagging them about how dangerous it is and telling them to quit for their health and all that is just putting strain on your relationship. They are clearly not gonna stop smoking because you don’t like it, but I’m betting they wouldn’t mind not smoking inside if you just asked them nicely.
You have every right to demand that they don’t smoke inside the home. I’m a longtime smoker, over 20 years, and I don’t smoke inside. It’s disgusting and unfair to other people. If you’re in rented accommodation it’ll also likely lose you your security deposit, as the landlord will need to deep clean and repaint when you guys move out.
But outside of that, they are right that you need to keep your opinions to yourself. They know smoking is bad for them, they are choosing to do it anyway. As is their right. If you don’t like it you are free to remove yourself from the situation, but you don’t get to tell them what they can and can’t do.
You can separate yourself from smokers. Just stop being friends, but respectfully, you sound judgmental as hell. I also have a dead dad sob story, the way he died was brutal. I also did hospice for my loved one with lung cancer. It’s tough. I would, however, never use it to control the behavior of other people, or shame them. You need therapy my guy. ESH because smoking inside is gross.
ESH – having an agreed approach for your shared home is important. Smoking inside / close enough outside for smoke to get in is gross for a number of reasons. Boundaries need to be discussed, but if he’s a smoker, and you knew that moving in – that should’ve been agreed and if it wasn’t it should now.
You might not have handled this the best way, and it does read like you want them to stop all this completely (which isn’t your choice to make) but it’s totally understandable that you’re upset by their behaviour, and their responses were unkind.
Everyone was likely a bit rude here, but you’re all young and trying to figure yourselves out and who you are. That looks different for everyone and we all regret things we said back when we were 19/20.
Maybe you need to think about how the friendships can be maintained in a way that respects everyone’s choices.
ESH for them smoking inside
It’s not clear who’s living with who but you do have a right to say they can’t smoke in a shared space you’re also paying for.
You don’t have a right to demand they stop in general. You’re making it about yourself, but packaging it as ‘care’. They see through it and so do we.
I’m not sure if you’re saying you want them to quit smoking entirely, or want them to not smoke inside.
NTA if it’s just inside. I used to smoke, my husband smokes, I grew up around it and so the smell doesn’t bother me. But I absolutely won’t let anyone smoke inside.
YTA if you want them to outright quit. Or cut back. Because they are adults and it’s none of your business. They’re aware smoking isn’t good for ones health. If they chose to smoke anyway that’s up to them to decide, not you.
YTA- You and your friends are all growing into your own people, now is not a time to be policing their actions aside from “please keep it out of the house” as you’re already being compared to a parental figure which they’ll rebel against. I think while you may have some genuine concern for them as friends, there is an underlying hurt at not being included. Don’t forget that expressing concern involves more than just the issue at hand, sure they smoke but they said they wanna die anyway and I think that takes priority over some cigarettes. My mom started smoking at 13, her life is better because of it as it keeps her going. Not every bad habit has to be kicked.
Part of the problem too is you blame your dads roommate for smoking when lung cancer amongst non smokers happens and it’s unlikely it happened to your dad because a roommate he lived with for a couple of years smoked. Now someone who worked in a Smokey bar or lived with smokers their entire life smoking in the house is a different story.
I get not wanting to see anyone else die from lung cancer because it’s a horrible way to go. That being said they mostly try to do it away from you but it’s their choice. Focus on just not smoking inside the house and learn to let the rest go. You’re being a nag. It’s like someone who had an alcoholic parent refusing to let their friends drink.
…. ESH, in this case, I think.
You need to get off their backs about smoking in general. And they need to start smoking properly outside and closing the balcony door while doing so, so the house doesn’t smell. It’s not okay to smoke where you force other people to smell/breathe it in like that, or mess up a house with the smoke.
I understand your trauma around smoking, but you can’t take it out on other people. Smokers know exactly what they’re doing, how much it costs and what it can do to one’s health. Telling them that is a waste of time for everyone involved.
ESH. You suck for constantly pressuring and nagging them, mark sucks for not closing the balcony door and being considerate about where the smoke is going.
People have the right to live their lives how they want and if smoking is what they want, leave them be.
I want to point out that although smoking is a cause to many issues, there have been smokers who have lived well into their 90s without lung problems and people who have NEVER smoked nor been around smokers that have had lung problems and died early.
Smoking is a bad habit (I smoke myself and i know its bad) but its also an addiction and like any addiction, until you are mentally ready to beat it, you will continue to give into it. Pushing them on it and using your dad’s death constantly is just pushing them away and probably making them want to smoke more because you’ve pissed them off by nagging.
That said, a smoker should be considerate of those around them, like going outside *with the door closed*, not smoking infront of shop doors, move as far away as possible when passing people on the street and not blowing it out as they pass.
ETA im only on about cigarettes and tobacco, not weed.
If you’re the type of person that walks past strangers on the street that have nothing to do with you and feel the need to “cough” you’re already an asshole. This situation just makes you a bigger one and one that’s very shortly not going to have any friends. Yeah, inside where you live you should be able to be comfortable so that boundary makes sense, everything else is your own pretentious pearl clutching.